Failed attempts at living simple life[part 6]

How could i ever be normal? How can i act normal? I know that people sometimes fall into a state called depression but i never felt it until now. I had no idea that people can close themselves so much, I had no idea that depression is such a stupid state in which you basically do nothing at all. You just sit and moan about your life all day long refusing to see anything else except the sealing or maybe a beautiful life holding your eyes closed. I am feeling it now and although I totally disagree with this state of mind I can’t get out of it. I hate everything and everyone at this point, I swear I’d be able to kill a bear using all the anger I feel inside… But the thing I hate the most is myself. I hate myself for not having any friends, I hate myself for living this life, I hate myself for trusting that few people that turned out to betray me, I hate myself for coming to life.
Time passes, it never waits for anyone, time’s the most cruel thing that people have. It just passes by you without caring that you’re miserable, it messes with your mind, it runs faster than a cheetah when you’re happy and slower than a turtle when you’re sad. I have to get out of this depression, I have to get my ass out of bed and make a change, I gotta start doing things for me, I gotta be selfish now, I gotta trust myself and nobody else, I gotta make things right. Too bad I’m only 9 at the moment but I swear to God that when I’ll finish school I will do things right for me, I will claim my happiness without waiting for anyone’s help. And Sandra will pay for all the terrible things she brought upon me and she will feel the pain I feel right now and she will suffer 10 times more.
School eventually started. Good thing about my escape was that the authorities made Sandra promise that she’ll sign me up for school and assure all the things I need to go to school. I don’t care how she will get the resources to buy me books and pens, all I care is that she has to. And it makes me feel good, it actually makes me wake up each morning with a silly smile on my face and it warms me in the cold winter mornings. I also gotta admit that school kicks ass! So many kids my age… Sometimes I just feel scared standing in the middle of 200 other kids, sometimes I feel angry when they laugh too loudly or when they make stupid jokes about their shyer classmates, but most of the time I’m just grateful to be somewhere else than ‘home’. The teachers are more or less nice and everything is good until now. I excel at history because I just love it and I read so much about it. The history teacher likes me as well and said that I’m her favorite student and that I should study even more in order to attend the history Olympiad next year. I’m so up for it!
On the other hand I suck at math, numbers just aren’t my thing, I just hate them. The bad part about this thing is that when I’m at home and giving my best to finish the homework for the next day and just can’t figure it out I get so nervous that I blank out. I wake up after a couple of hours with my entire room turned upside down and I just can’t remember what happened… I gotta say that school would be awesome without math… and without bad kids… and without stupid people that piss you off when you get back home… and without sports.
Things at home didn’t change much thou. I am away for like 4-5 hours per day but I can’t say that I see Sandra less. The same crap happens each night when she brings another dude, both of them really drunk. They make so much noise that during some nights I even had the strange desire to grab a bat and hit them in the head with it when they fall asleep. One thing is for sure: Sandra started to have feelings for the guy that gave me money two years ago when I turned 7. I have no idea what love is but from movies I understood that the first symptom of love is not being able to get the other person off of your mind. That’s exactly what happens to Sandra at the moment… Obviously, when she’s drunk she even shows it, she just comes next to me and talks about him for hours. Sometimes she blames him for being a jerk and not loving her but most of the times she only blames me for the fact that he doesn’t show her any attention. I feel sorry for her and I think she realizes that if she loses this guy she’ll be single for the rest of her life, that she won’t ever feel love, that her heart will get frostbitten and stay like this for eternity. She is actually supposed to be all alone and frozen…
What hurts me the most is that even thou I never felt love and it’s not likely for that to happen any time soon, nobody else ever told me that he or she cares about me. Except for the secretary from the school I went that day, nobody else was kind to me… And I can’t say that I still appreciate her kindness, she betrayed me after all, she turned me down. This probably is the main reason for the anger I feel inside, the reason for turning into an animal sometimes, the reason for hating rainbows, the reason for which I have a dark side, a side so evil that it’s scaring me. It’s scaring me because I know of no meaning to tame what’s inside me, I have no control over it and it just takes over whenever it wants. Because of this I have a problem with making friends, with talking to people, with trusting others. I’m in the 2nd grade now and I still have no friend, I only salute everybody when I enter the class then go to my desk, put my headphones in my ears and wait for the teacher to enter so that the class can start. I just can’t stand the way my classmates act, I just can’t stand knowing they’re around me, I can’t stand breathing the same air they do, I can’t stand knowing that at a certain point my eyes will have a glance of their stupidity, I can’t stand knowing that I am way above them mentally but yet I am forced to learn in the same place and at the same level with them. I don’t have any parents, I never pronounced the word ‘mother’ with its true meaning, I never had a single day when I could say I’m the happiest kid on earth but I think that takes me closer to perfection, that makes me indestructible, powerful, wise and out of the ordinary.