7 A.M. the phone starts to sing a crazy punk song ment to make people jump and bang their heads like animals. David opens his eyes a little bit confused and then searches for his phone on the bedside, picks it up and stares at the display for a couple of seconds. It was a hidden ID phone-call and the hour made it even stranger. He decided to pick up anyway:
-Ya.
-Souls are needed today.
And then silence. David just froze with his phone close to his ear speechless.
-Who is this and why are you calling this early in the morning?
-Are you up for it?
-Up for what? You’re making no sense at all...
-God doesn’t care about you! Do the right thing!
The conversation ended there. David took another look at the phone, busy trying to figure out who could do such stupid jokes so early in the morning. He entered the phonebook and scrolled down to one of his friends’ number and hit dial. It rang for like 10 seconds and then a hoarse voice answered:
-What?
-Don’t “what” me! Why the hell are you in the mood for jokes like this at freaking 7 in the morning?
-David, I am sleeping. Was and to be honest still am. If you are trying to challenge me with a riddle this is not the time. I’m going to hang up now and get back to sleep. Bye!
Confusion was the word anyone could read off David’s forehead. Obviously the one that called him wasn’t his friend, their voices were nothing alike. “Such a terrible way to wake up and God, I am so hungry!” he said in his mind and then got out of bed to find out that his room was awfully cold. He got dressed real fast and as the cold clothes touched his skin he started to shiver. With his eyes completely opened he went to the kitchen and drank some water to ease the pain in his throat. Then he started his daily routine: coffee, breakfast, reading the news on the internet with a big focus on what new movies were released. Without realizing he lost himself through web-pages and when he decided to take a look at the clock it was already 10 A.M.
-Damn, time’s flying so fast!
He picked up his phone and dialed his girlfriend’s number. She answered really fast:
-Good morning David!
-Hey honey! How are you?
-Just woke up, my head kinda hurts. You?
-Just fine. I woke up like 3 hours ago... Actually somebody woke me up. I got a strange phone-call from a hidden ID number telling me that I don’t know how many souls are needed today and that God doesn’t care about me. Haha! It must have been a crack-head or one of my friends was in the mood for stupid jokes.
-Ha! Well, at least your day started off with a bang!
-Not exactly what I had in mind but I guess you can say that. Honey, I dreamed about you last night!
-Really? What exactly?
-We were in a strange place that seemed familiar in some way thou I can’t picture it now. Anyway, you were begging me to stay and even thou I was screaming my lungs off that I am not going anywhere you just kept on crying and begging. Then you just disappeared and strangely my grandfather was right behind me saying that I did the right thing. And I was like “But I didn’t do anything!”. Really weird!
-Weird indeed... Have you ever dreamed about your grandfather before?
-Yes, lately he comes in my dreams almost every night. I have no idea why this is happening considering the fact that when I met him he was old and in the dreams he looks just like 30 years old and seems to always carry a sword with him. If I give it a better thought... Damn! Last night the sword was stained with blood...
-If only I had your dreams! I again dreamed about the exams and me failing them. Nightmare after nightmare...
-Aw, honey, calm down it’s just your mind letting you know that you fear failure. To be honest if you dream about the exams so much it means that they mean a lot to you and that you want to pass them no matter what!
-I guess so. Listen, David...
“Souls are needed... Why does this sound familiar?” While his mind was flying through other place his girlfriend didn’t stop talking.
-So? What do you say?
-Yes! I mean... What? Sorry I was thinking about something else.
-Oh God! I said let’s go to the cathedral later today, I feel the need to pray a bit!
-Sure thing honey! Now get your pretty ass off the bed and start your day! Call me when you’re ready so we can meet.
-Okay, love you!
-Love you too, bye!
David just kept on staring at the phone without knowing what to do next. Everything around him seemed to disappear in that moment and he felt a strange emotion that he couldn’t explain, like he had to do something today but couldn’t remember exactly what. The date was 12 December, nothing important, nothing noticeable, just another Saturday with no school and no plans. Except, of course, going to the cathedral with his girlfriend so that she can pray a bit to pass her exams. Nevertheless, David couldn’t understand why she’s making such a big fuss about the exams since they are at the end of January.
Faculty was important to him as well but he never gave it as much importance as his higher purpose to find a rule or a pattern that could explain reincarnation or how and where the soul is after the body stops supporting it. In the past few years he became so obsessed about it that he felt like a weirdo and decided to hide this thing from the others. Not even his mum or his girlfriend knew about his strange hobby, only his dead grandfather. David used to talk with him in his dreams and even if this made no sense at all he simply loved it. It was his only method of easing the pressure that would gather in his mind whenever he came to a dead end. In his dreams his grandfather, with a sword in his right arm, was always guiding him with new information and hints and even if they weren’t always clear or meaningful, they were enough to keep David going on his goal. “Death is only the beginning isn’t just a saying, I’m sure of it! There must be something I can’t figure out at the moment, there must be something hidden somewhere!”
-Ah, yes! “Victim souls are needed” this was the sentence! Now, where have I read it?
David opened his internet browser and googled the phrase. Way too many results appeared but by doing a quick filter he found what he was looking for. “So the balance must be kept. Awesome, now this is useful!”. Then he remembered something else, he read earlier today that at the local maternity 24 children were born today, which was an all-time record for his small town. Again confusion filled his mind and he started to stare at the monitor without thinking anything. “Does this mean that people are supposed to die today?”
To be continued...
1/30/2011
1/27/2011
24
7 billion souls united by only 1 thing, only 1 supreme fact that makes us all the same, brings us closer, makes us brothers and sisters. It’s not material at all, you cannot touch it, neither see it, smell it or taste it. Its beauty and lies in its perfection and simplicity. It’s one of the reasons for which people die or do amazing things, surprise the world in a positive or negative way. While some people find it ever since the moment their mind starts to work others feel the need to search through time, feel the need to find plausible reasons and facts. While some deny its existence and refuse its truth and beauty they are just confused because in the end everybody turns to faith. As human beings we have a undeniable need to believe in something bigger, something beyond our imagination, something that has the power to dictate the way we live, the power to forgive the bad things we do and the power to offer us continuity after death.
There is also quite a bunch of people that instead of accepting faith they proclaim themselves non-believers saying that there is absolutely nothing up there except for the blue sky and human imagination. David thinks this is denial, he believes that you don’t necessary have to prove your faith in order for it to bless miracles upon your existence, you simply need to accept it. He doesn’t consider himself a true believer but he embraced everything that faith means: God, the church and last but not least the Holly Bible. David read the book last summer and even thou at first he simply hated the style of the writings later on he found something buried deep in the meanings of the book. He actually found more meanings as if the book offers its readers an opportunity to choose their faith, as in religion isn’t so strict with tons of rules and traditions that need to be followed without mistakes.
At 21 he’s nor young, nor mature, nor a genius, nor stupid. He likes to think about himself as a person that’s been through a lot and the fact that he is still alive and kicking made him stronger. School has never been his thing and while his parents constantly tell him that only with education and brains he’ll achieve something in life, David likes to think that brains are inherited, not taught by others. Daily when he walks out his flat he prays to God “Please, let it be a good day full with accomplishments!” even if he realizes that God can’t listen to his prayers. His blue eyes shine brighter than fire when he’s mad or when he feels like he’s up to something that might have a huge impact in this world and while he feels something strange inside, like a voice telling him that he’s destined to achieve great things, David never had the guts to speak up his mind or to get an active role in his society. He’s just one of the “Let me be and I’ll let you be.” persons that love the comfort of their regular activities and love things plain simple. He dresses accordingly to the music he listens to, he eats whatever the fridge contains without thinking about health or calories, he drinks when he’s out with his friends if they all do the same thing, he always finds more important things when talking about studying. Although he wants to be extraordinary, absolutely everything in his life is ordinary.
Or maybe not... David found out one of the most intriguing facts that ever came to his ears. His grandfather, who had passed away 3 years ago, was born on 24.12.1922. He found a strange coincidence in the fact that his grandpa was a priest, a holly man, as his parents described him: 24 has so many meanings that even with a simple Google search tons of web-pages appear. Also 12 is half of 24 and it symbolizes as many different things as 24. Last but not least the year 1922, even nothing really important happened during it, if you sum up 1+9+2+2 you get 24 and you go back from the start. So it’s all a cyclic action as David concluded later on and while his conscience dictates him that he’s a bit crazy, he likes to convince himself that life after death exists and that reincarnation is really possible. He didn’t yet find out how or under what conditions it can be brought to reality but it’s obviously that this has become his greatest purpose in life.
Thus he studies the Bible, old writings not related to Christianity, Occult Arts, symbolism and last but not least fantasy. Lots and lots of fantasy only to reach the conclusion that behind every legend and unbelievable story there is a little truth, that at a certain point in time something so radical and amazing happened that generations after still want to talk about it.
Even thou he has many great things destined these will be the last 24 hours of his life, this is how all will end for him, this is how he’ll lose his faith and realize something much more important, this is how David will pass to eternity.
There is also quite a bunch of people that instead of accepting faith they proclaim themselves non-believers saying that there is absolutely nothing up there except for the blue sky and human imagination. David thinks this is denial, he believes that you don’t necessary have to prove your faith in order for it to bless miracles upon your existence, you simply need to accept it. He doesn’t consider himself a true believer but he embraced everything that faith means: God, the church and last but not least the Holly Bible. David read the book last summer and even thou at first he simply hated the style of the writings later on he found something buried deep in the meanings of the book. He actually found more meanings as if the book offers its readers an opportunity to choose their faith, as in religion isn’t so strict with tons of rules and traditions that need to be followed without mistakes.
At 21 he’s nor young, nor mature, nor a genius, nor stupid. He likes to think about himself as a person that’s been through a lot and the fact that he is still alive and kicking made him stronger. School has never been his thing and while his parents constantly tell him that only with education and brains he’ll achieve something in life, David likes to think that brains are inherited, not taught by others. Daily when he walks out his flat he prays to God “Please, let it be a good day full with accomplishments!” even if he realizes that God can’t listen to his prayers. His blue eyes shine brighter than fire when he’s mad or when he feels like he’s up to something that might have a huge impact in this world and while he feels something strange inside, like a voice telling him that he’s destined to achieve great things, David never had the guts to speak up his mind or to get an active role in his society. He’s just one of the “Let me be and I’ll let you be.” persons that love the comfort of their regular activities and love things plain simple. He dresses accordingly to the music he listens to, he eats whatever the fridge contains without thinking about health or calories, he drinks when he’s out with his friends if they all do the same thing, he always finds more important things when talking about studying. Although he wants to be extraordinary, absolutely everything in his life is ordinary.
Or maybe not... David found out one of the most intriguing facts that ever came to his ears. His grandfather, who had passed away 3 years ago, was born on 24.12.1922. He found a strange coincidence in the fact that his grandpa was a priest, a holly man, as his parents described him: 24 has so many meanings that even with a simple Google search tons of web-pages appear. Also 12 is half of 24 and it symbolizes as many different things as 24. Last but not least the year 1922, even nothing really important happened during it, if you sum up 1+9+2+2 you get 24 and you go back from the start. So it’s all a cyclic action as David concluded later on and while his conscience dictates him that he’s a bit crazy, he likes to convince himself that life after death exists and that reincarnation is really possible. He didn’t yet find out how or under what conditions it can be brought to reality but it’s obviously that this has become his greatest purpose in life.
Thus he studies the Bible, old writings not related to Christianity, Occult Arts, symbolism and last but not least fantasy. Lots and lots of fantasy only to reach the conclusion that behind every legend and unbelievable story there is a little truth, that at a certain point in time something so radical and amazing happened that generations after still want to talk about it.
Even thou he has many great things destined these will be the last 24 hours of his life, this is how all will end for him, this is how he’ll lose his faith and realize something much more important, this is how David will pass to eternity.
1/19/2011
Failed attempts at living simple life[last part]
I try and I try and I try again. Bottom line is I will never stop trying. I know it is said that trying is not enough, I know that you should give your best, that you should put passion in everything, that you should do every single thing, even the simplest things, extraordinary. I know you shouldn’t do things for the sake of it, just to get it done but... This will be the end of my story and God, I realize now that I am writing it on imaginary toilet paper!
Daria’s death was the biggest and toughest shock I had in my life. I could feel my heart crying, my soul toss and turning deep inside of me and I could feel my eyes wetter than the ocean. I couldn’t cry at her funeral, not a single tear. Only now I realize that I was filled with rage, not pain. Rage, one of the purest and most strange states of mind, it can give you superhuman strength, it can make you blind, it can make you evil, it can make your brain process everything 10 times faster, it can suppress pain. After the funeral I came back home with Sandra, without saying a single word. We had dinner in complete silence and then went in our rooms. I turned on the TV and started navigating through channels without looking for anything special. My mind was empty like it never had before. Every single stupid thought was disappearing a moment away from birth, everything was turning into darkness. At 3 in the morning I felt something strange, something I couldn’t explain.
I got out of my bed and went for some fresh air on the balcony. I felt it invading my lungs and tearing them apart because it was the coldest air I ever felt. I climbed up on the railing in front of me without thinking at the 30 meters distance ‘till the sidewalk, I spread my hands up high and took another deep breath of air.
I still don’t know what happened after that even thou I heard stories. You know, the nurses here are women and they talk, they talk more than they should sometimes but I guess it’s in their nature. I am the youngest patient here and of course, I don’t belong in this place. My room is 103 and there’s nobody else, except the nurses, at this floor. Anyway, during the night, when even the nurses go to their rooms at the second floor I am embraced by the silence, darkness and loneliness, time when I can think clear. Also the drugs fade away so my mind works perfectly. “He was screaming he is godsend on earth, he was smiling. Everybody thought he’ll jump down eventually but after 10 minutes of screaming he went back inside and killed the woman that took care of him. We have to keep him sedated, there’s no telling what he might do... “ one of the nurses said when I was brought here. I am 100% sure I haven’t killed Sandra... I mean, I had the power to forgive her and I was feeling better with her. “He chopped her head off ‘till the police broke the door and went inside. He was sitting near her beheaded corps hugging her and crying while her head was sitting like a trophy on the bedroom table. There’s a monster behind those green eyes and calm face.” she continued.
Did I crack? Is it just a bad dream from which I can’t wake up? I want to meet my parents really bad, it’s the only thing that matters to me at the moment. Of course, they both died when I was born so that’s why I’ll never stop trying. I often get out of bed, during the night of course, because during the day I am tied down and under drugs, go out the doors and look through the bars on the wall in front of my room. “Dead or alive, we will be together!” these are the words written there. I can’t exactly tell if they’re written with blood but I like to think so. I am sure they were written at rage and that’s why I believe in them, that’s why they became my motto. The guy that wrote them absolutely felt it and I like to think that if you feel it, it’s true, no matter what that thing is.
I’ve gathered 7 shoe-laces ‘till now. I need 7 more and I can meet my parents... Pray for me if you read my story because no matter what i did or did not do, god knows i tried to be just like you: normal, simple, beautiful, smart, loved!
The end.
Daria’s death was the biggest and toughest shock I had in my life. I could feel my heart crying, my soul toss and turning deep inside of me and I could feel my eyes wetter than the ocean. I couldn’t cry at her funeral, not a single tear. Only now I realize that I was filled with rage, not pain. Rage, one of the purest and most strange states of mind, it can give you superhuman strength, it can make you blind, it can make you evil, it can make your brain process everything 10 times faster, it can suppress pain. After the funeral I came back home with Sandra, without saying a single word. We had dinner in complete silence and then went in our rooms. I turned on the TV and started navigating through channels without looking for anything special. My mind was empty like it never had before. Every single stupid thought was disappearing a moment away from birth, everything was turning into darkness. At 3 in the morning I felt something strange, something I couldn’t explain.
I got out of my bed and went for some fresh air on the balcony. I felt it invading my lungs and tearing them apart because it was the coldest air I ever felt. I climbed up on the railing in front of me without thinking at the 30 meters distance ‘till the sidewalk, I spread my hands up high and took another deep breath of air.
I still don’t know what happened after that even thou I heard stories. You know, the nurses here are women and they talk, they talk more than they should sometimes but I guess it’s in their nature. I am the youngest patient here and of course, I don’t belong in this place. My room is 103 and there’s nobody else, except the nurses, at this floor. Anyway, during the night, when even the nurses go to their rooms at the second floor I am embraced by the silence, darkness and loneliness, time when I can think clear. Also the drugs fade away so my mind works perfectly. “He was screaming he is godsend on earth, he was smiling. Everybody thought he’ll jump down eventually but after 10 minutes of screaming he went back inside and killed the woman that took care of him. We have to keep him sedated, there’s no telling what he might do... “ one of the nurses said when I was brought here. I am 100% sure I haven’t killed Sandra... I mean, I had the power to forgive her and I was feeling better with her. “He chopped her head off ‘till the police broke the door and went inside. He was sitting near her beheaded corps hugging her and crying while her head was sitting like a trophy on the bedroom table. There’s a monster behind those green eyes and calm face.” she continued.
Did I crack? Is it just a bad dream from which I can’t wake up? I want to meet my parents really bad, it’s the only thing that matters to me at the moment. Of course, they both died when I was born so that’s why I’ll never stop trying. I often get out of bed, during the night of course, because during the day I am tied down and under drugs, go out the doors and look through the bars on the wall in front of my room. “Dead or alive, we will be together!” these are the words written there. I can’t exactly tell if they’re written with blood but I like to think so. I am sure they were written at rage and that’s why I believe in them, that’s why they became my motto. The guy that wrote them absolutely felt it and I like to think that if you feel it, it’s true, no matter what that thing is.
I’ve gathered 7 shoe-laces ‘till now. I need 7 more and I can meet my parents... Pray for me if you read my story because no matter what i did or did not do, god knows i tried to be just like you: normal, simple, beautiful, smart, loved!
The end.
1/08/2011
Failed attempts at living simple life[part 10]
I don’t know what love really is. I’ve never experienced true love and I’m 22 for Christ sake! Ask me now to write an essay about love and I’ll start with “Love is...” and finish 190 pages later with “... something like this.” without writing anything else. I had my first crush on a girl many years ago and ever since that crap happened I couldn’t fall “in love” with another person. I just can’t trust anyone except myself... When I think about this, it may be the reason I got where I am at the moment.
School went by me pretty fast. High grades at history, good grades at the others as well, my final was successful and then I went to high-school. I really can’t remember much about this episode of my life, there’s really nothing to mention. Different class mates, different teachers, I was a weirdo most of the time so nobody quite enjoyed talking to me, no friends, nothing. I haven’t even heard anything about Adi in those 4 years. I was back where I started from: loneliness. It sucked pretty bad to be honest... Actually it sucked so bad that I even gave up on history and started watching a lot of TV, started listening to music and other crappy stuff, instead of reading like I used to. I also started smoking while in high-school. I saw everybody quite happy while smoking so I thought I’d give it a try as well and I have to admit it’s pretty cool. At first I was experiencing a warm dizziness and it was new for me. Obviously I didn’t always have money for smokes, moments when I was irritated by everything around me, even by the birds. I was getting addicted, I knew, but I couldn’t stop for a second and say “Alexander, smokes suck, they really do! You’ll die faster and spend a lot of money on basically nothing at all, you’re going down the same road many did and that road ends with loneliness.”
If it all comes down to the quiet in the end, why not enjoying the noise ‘till then?! Life is already a bitch and it keeps reminding me how cursed I am so why not enjoying the little things while I still can?
I was in the 12th grade when finally a good thing happened to me. Sandra received a phone call one day – oh, I forgot to mention one important detail: she gave up on drinking and bringing home strangers and drunks. Apparently she accepted the idea of being alone for the rest of her life so she is treating me a little bit better as well because as far as I know, I’m the only person she has at the moment, the only person that will have lunch or dinner with her, the only person that will listen to her even if I don’t care what she’s talking about. I figured one thing: revenge and hatred come easy but to be able to forgive a person that treated you so bad requires tons of guts and power. And I am a powerful boy, I do hold the power to be extraordinary so why not forgive her?! Anyway, I was saying about the phone call. I have a grandmother! A relative! Her blood flows through my veins and better yet, I could find out how my parents were like.
Happy-happy, joy-joy! Well, think again! C’mon Alexander, haven’t you learn you’re destined to misery?!
I went the next day to meet my grandmother. Woke up early in the morning with my heart pumping out of my chest, with strange butterflies in my stomach and with the energy of a cheetah going in for the kill on an uber fast gazelle. Sandra wanted to come along with me even thou I didn’t really want that. We took a bus and went to an old people place. Except the nurses, nobody else had less than 70 years so you could consider it was the last ‘home’ for most of them. Anyway, one of the nurses said we will find my grandmother in room 308 but that we should wait until 4 in the afternoon, when she’ll be awake. “Well, sure, no problem! I just hope my heart won’t make its way out of my chest until then.” We went for a coffee, a really long coffee, but at least we had smokes. The strange part was that Sandra’s eyes were filled with worries and that we didn’t talk about anything for five long hours, not even a word. When the time came we went back to the place where my grandma was ‘living’. I was moving so fast that I had to slap myself when Sandra told me to slow down. We climbed up to the 3rd floor of the building and looking around I could sense the silence, the calm surrounding the place. I guess for most of the people this is really a good place to spend their last years of life, to make the transition to the eternal silence.
On the door there was only 1 name written although there was room for 2 more: Alexandra Daria. “That’s her name! I’m named after her!” I wanted to knock but Sandra hold me and she just opened the door. Inside the smell was quite awful, like that room was staying closed all day long, like air refused to enter, the curtains were pulled so it was dark as well.
-I wonder if she’s awake… Sandra said.
-Alexander?!
“I skipped a heartbeat and chills climbed up my spine reaching my heart and making it beat like faster than I ever felt! She knows me! I can’t believe she was waiting for me all of this time! Can this be happiness I’m feeling right now?”
-Yes grandma, it’s me! I am so happy to see you!
-No, you’re not Alexander, go away! She replied.
“What the hell?”
-I am, I am your grandson!
-I don’t have a grandson you stupid boy! My son, Alexander... I haven’t seen him in a long, long time and I need to see him before...
“I am named after my father then or maybe he was named after her and that would mean... Bah, I’m loosing myself in stupid details!”
-Before he died, he was married. Do you know with who and what was her name?
-No. Daria said crushing all my joy.
-Uhm... What about Alexander, your son, how was he?
-It doesn’t matter.
-It matters to me! I am his son and I never had the chance to meet him! I don’t even have a photo of him!
-Listen kiddo, my son was never married and he had no son. I don’t know who you think I am and I don’t care who you are. So get out of my room or return with my Alexander. In case you cannot find him, write him a letter and tell him where I stay, that I’m dying and that I want to see him for one last time.
-Your son, Alexander died almost 18 years ago. Sandra said.
Then it was silence. The same silence you can experience in the deepest point of a cave. We all turned into stone statues and nobody was making a noise...
-Let’s go Alexander, she’s obviously insane.
-Hell no Sandra! She’s my only chance to find out who I really am, I won’t give up without an answer! Daria, listen to me! My name is Alexander and I have almost 18 years old. At my birth both of my parents died so I never got the chance to meet them or to see how they looked like. Please, it is really important for me to know some details about my father. It would make me happy, it would give me reasons to continue with this struggle called life, it would give me reasons to fight for something better and hopefully it would give me a role model to look up to. So please, look at me and tell me how my father was like!
Still nothing, not even a sound.
-Daria, look at me! I raised my voice. Grandma! I reached my hand out for her shoulder to turn her facing me. I grabbed her and pulled gently and she turned. Her eyes were closed and her mouth was open, open in a strange way. I felt Sandra making a weird face and putting her hand over her mouth and then she grabbed my shoulder for a second. In the next second she was out on the hall screaming loudly:
-Nurse! Nurse, come quick!
Daria was dead.
To be continued...
School went by me pretty fast. High grades at history, good grades at the others as well, my final was successful and then I went to high-school. I really can’t remember much about this episode of my life, there’s really nothing to mention. Different class mates, different teachers, I was a weirdo most of the time so nobody quite enjoyed talking to me, no friends, nothing. I haven’t even heard anything about Adi in those 4 years. I was back where I started from: loneliness. It sucked pretty bad to be honest... Actually it sucked so bad that I even gave up on history and started watching a lot of TV, started listening to music and other crappy stuff, instead of reading like I used to. I also started smoking while in high-school. I saw everybody quite happy while smoking so I thought I’d give it a try as well and I have to admit it’s pretty cool. At first I was experiencing a warm dizziness and it was new for me. Obviously I didn’t always have money for smokes, moments when I was irritated by everything around me, even by the birds. I was getting addicted, I knew, but I couldn’t stop for a second and say “Alexander, smokes suck, they really do! You’ll die faster and spend a lot of money on basically nothing at all, you’re going down the same road many did and that road ends with loneliness.”
If it all comes down to the quiet in the end, why not enjoying the noise ‘till then?! Life is already a bitch and it keeps reminding me how cursed I am so why not enjoying the little things while I still can?
I was in the 12th grade when finally a good thing happened to me. Sandra received a phone call one day – oh, I forgot to mention one important detail: she gave up on drinking and bringing home strangers and drunks. Apparently she accepted the idea of being alone for the rest of her life so she is treating me a little bit better as well because as far as I know, I’m the only person she has at the moment, the only person that will have lunch or dinner with her, the only person that will listen to her even if I don’t care what she’s talking about. I figured one thing: revenge and hatred come easy but to be able to forgive a person that treated you so bad requires tons of guts and power. And I am a powerful boy, I do hold the power to be extraordinary so why not forgive her?! Anyway, I was saying about the phone call. I have a grandmother! A relative! Her blood flows through my veins and better yet, I could find out how my parents were like.
Happy-happy, joy-joy! Well, think again! C’mon Alexander, haven’t you learn you’re destined to misery?!
I went the next day to meet my grandmother. Woke up early in the morning with my heart pumping out of my chest, with strange butterflies in my stomach and with the energy of a cheetah going in for the kill on an uber fast gazelle. Sandra wanted to come along with me even thou I didn’t really want that. We took a bus and went to an old people place. Except the nurses, nobody else had less than 70 years so you could consider it was the last ‘home’ for most of them. Anyway, one of the nurses said we will find my grandmother in room 308 but that we should wait until 4 in the afternoon, when she’ll be awake. “Well, sure, no problem! I just hope my heart won’t make its way out of my chest until then.” We went for a coffee, a really long coffee, but at least we had smokes. The strange part was that Sandra’s eyes were filled with worries and that we didn’t talk about anything for five long hours, not even a word. When the time came we went back to the place where my grandma was ‘living’. I was moving so fast that I had to slap myself when Sandra told me to slow down. We climbed up to the 3rd floor of the building and looking around I could sense the silence, the calm surrounding the place. I guess for most of the people this is really a good place to spend their last years of life, to make the transition to the eternal silence.
On the door there was only 1 name written although there was room for 2 more: Alexandra Daria. “That’s her name! I’m named after her!” I wanted to knock but Sandra hold me and she just opened the door. Inside the smell was quite awful, like that room was staying closed all day long, like air refused to enter, the curtains were pulled so it was dark as well.
-I wonder if she’s awake… Sandra said.
-Alexander?!
“I skipped a heartbeat and chills climbed up my spine reaching my heart and making it beat like faster than I ever felt! She knows me! I can’t believe she was waiting for me all of this time! Can this be happiness I’m feeling right now?”
-Yes grandma, it’s me! I am so happy to see you!
-No, you’re not Alexander, go away! She replied.
“What the hell?”
-I am, I am your grandson!
-I don’t have a grandson you stupid boy! My son, Alexander... I haven’t seen him in a long, long time and I need to see him before...
“I am named after my father then or maybe he was named after her and that would mean... Bah, I’m loosing myself in stupid details!”
-Before he died, he was married. Do you know with who and what was her name?
-No. Daria said crushing all my joy.
-Uhm... What about Alexander, your son, how was he?
-It doesn’t matter.
-It matters to me! I am his son and I never had the chance to meet him! I don’t even have a photo of him!
-Listen kiddo, my son was never married and he had no son. I don’t know who you think I am and I don’t care who you are. So get out of my room or return with my Alexander. In case you cannot find him, write him a letter and tell him where I stay, that I’m dying and that I want to see him for one last time.
-Your son, Alexander died almost 18 years ago. Sandra said.
Then it was silence. The same silence you can experience in the deepest point of a cave. We all turned into stone statues and nobody was making a noise...
-Let’s go Alexander, she’s obviously insane.
-Hell no Sandra! She’s my only chance to find out who I really am, I won’t give up without an answer! Daria, listen to me! My name is Alexander and I have almost 18 years old. At my birth both of my parents died so I never got the chance to meet them or to see how they looked like. Please, it is really important for me to know some details about my father. It would make me happy, it would give me reasons to continue with this struggle called life, it would give me reasons to fight for something better and hopefully it would give me a role model to look up to. So please, look at me and tell me how my father was like!
Still nothing, not even a sound.
-Daria, look at me! I raised my voice. Grandma! I reached my hand out for her shoulder to turn her facing me. I grabbed her and pulled gently and she turned. Her eyes were closed and her mouth was open, open in a strange way. I felt Sandra making a weird face and putting her hand over her mouth and then she grabbed my shoulder for a second. In the next second she was out on the hall screaming loudly:
-Nurse! Nurse, come quick!
Daria was dead.
To be continued...
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