„Dear Sara,
I didn’t get scared at all, in fact i was really happy to read your e-mail because i’ve been dying to talk to you as well. Now regarding your question... There are tons of answers and i don’t think any is the right one. Humans need to believe that there is something greater influencing everything. Only a few people have the courage to step up and shout out loud that there is no such thing, that there is absolutely nothing controling their life.
I am one of the persons that don’t have the courage to deny God out loud. I don’t believe in His existence yet i always make the cross sign whenever i walk outside of my home. You see, when you deny God’s existence you exclude yourself from the society because people judge. The fact that there are so many christians is just a proof that everybody wants to blend in, that people find it a lot more comfortable to be just like everybody else because let’s face it, when you try to rise above everybody else you’ll realize that they will do their best to drag you back down. And it sucks big time...
I do believe that we are the only ones controling our destiny and how good or bad each day can be, i do believe that there are no miracles of God, just miracles of the human body or the soul. On the other hand, my girlfriend is a real believer and it kind of freaks me out. She always „blames” things on God’s will and she always turns to God whenever things are good or bad. I sometimes feel sorry for her because she just doesn’t realize that she’s the one responsible for the outcome of her days. She even „blames” God for meeting me which is stupid because i met her at a party where she was drunk as hell. Nevertheless, my point is that i would do something to change everybody, i would make them all break out of the „christian prison” so that they can just liive their life as they should. But i don’t know what so i rather live like i know and sometimes enjoy the little things that the church offers. By enjoying i understand having fun as in easter when I usually hang out all night long with a few of my friends.
So tell that person you were talking about that what she did is really brave and that she should be proud. We could talk on this topic for ages without reaching a conclusion to be honest...
Sara, let’s play a game! It feels really great to talk to you so I was thinking if we can play a questions game. Let’s keep talking through e-mails until we find time to talk live again but let’s ask questions, give answers to them and then end with another question. I will presume you like this idea and start with a simple question.
I sometimes feel like what I am doing at the moment is a waste of time. I often feel that I am simply wasting my life with the simple things that happen around me. I do have a purpose, a really big dream I am fighting to achieve but it I am not sure I will be able to do it in this life. So my question is: Do you believe in the after life or in reincarnation?
Best of wishes, take care!
Hugs and kisses,
David.”
-That should do it, said David as he clicked the “Send” button. Aw, damn it! It took me a hole hour to write an e-mail?! It doesn’t matter actually… Why didn’t I meet this girl before? Damn it Sara, you should have been my girlfriend and I would have gave you the love you seek and more!
To be continued...
3/28/2011
3/21/2011
24 [Episode 9]
She got off the bus and kept walking towards her home as if she was the only human being walking the Earth surface. She wasn’t even stopping at zebras, she couldn’t even hear the horns or the dirty words drivers were screaming at her as she was just crossing the streets. She was simply mesmerized by the fact that she finally accomplished the first action step of the big plan and her mind was filled with possibilities, what to do next, details and the eyes of that boy that she saw in the cathedral. Every now and then she realized that he was haunting her thoughts therefore she was getting angry. “Damn it! Get out of my mind boy! I need to think straight! You’re kinda pathetic Sara, you don’t even know his name and yet you think about him a lot...” After she passed the small store at the very beginning of the small alley she suddenly came back to reality but for no particular reason apparently. Sara felt really weird, as if she had another crazy night when she’d be partying until forgetting where or with whom or how did she get back home. She took a look around at the bushes bordering the alley and at the little colored stones that were trapped inside the concrete she was stepping on. She felt like everything was imprisoned and that she was the only one free but it was a freedom that didn’t quite have sense without a good purpose and its achievement. And then it hit her “Aw, damn! I’m out of smokes!”
When she finally got home and closed the door behind her she ran inside her room without even getting her jacket off and opened the laptop. While the operating system was booting a strange state of impatience got a hold of her so strong that she was tapping he table with 4 fingers of her right hand. The welcome screen finally appeared so she typed fastest than ever the password and pressed enter. After 30 more seconds she had already opened the internet browser and typed her e-mail address. She wanted to see if David sent her another e-mail, it was all she was wishing for. “Sara, are you serious? Your plan just came to life today and all you desire is an e-mail from a boy you just met online?!” Still she waited for the web-page to load but there was no e-mail there. Not from David at least. Instead she had received one without any subject and from no sender at all. “Strange. I wonder what the hell could this be...” She gave it a little bit of thinking before clicking it but she eventually gave in to her curiosity. It was empty, really long but with no words at all. She took the scroll down bar and pulled it ‘till the very end of the page and there they were. 4 words written with small letters and colored in red: “Do the right thing!” She raised both of her eyebrows and stared at it for 30 seconds after which she closed the internet browser, lighted up a cigarette and turned on the music. She then went to the bathroom with the cigarette between her soft lips and took a really short look in the mirror, smiled pleased and went back to the laptop. She opened the internet browser again and typed “homemade explosives” and hit enter. “Boom!” Way too many results appeared yet there was one which description was exactly what she was looking for. “Let’s see what we have here!”
After three hours she closed the lid and just started starring at nothing. Her blue eyes were wide open but they weren’t focusing at anything. Sara had reached another dead end. All of the homemade explosives recipes she found on the internet were useless. Almost none of them had the appropriate power to do damage to a concrete structure. Another problem was the fact that the cathedral had been constructed using the finest materials, therefor the walls and columns were really tough. She needed powerful TNT or C4 or some other military stuff... “ Enough for one day I guess, it’s time to celebrate!”
Still her mind ran again to that boy she saw in the cathedral but she ignored it and instead thought about the strange e-mail she received. Sara just couldn’t understand how somebody could send an e-mail with no ID. The message itself was also strange: “Do the right thing! Now what’s that supposed to mean? What is ‘the thing’? And how am I suppose to know what’s ‘the right thing’? Weird...” After one more minute of starring at nothing at all she decided it’s time to write to David.
“Dear David,
How was your day? I would love to speak with you again tonight but I think I will go out. My day was more or less awesome and I feel the need to celebrate a little. Plus I am really hungry and I’m not quite in the mood for cooking. Let’s go to a restaurant and eat something good! Can you come and pick me up at 8 P.M.? Haha, just kidding!
I would like to ask your opinion about something. I know a person that at a certain point in her life was a human that dedicated everything to God but then a 180 degrees change made her deny the very existence of Him and hate the Christianity cult. The experiences through which the person went empowered the hate and now she thinks that the rest of the world needs to know her opinion. I don’t know if you have studied the Holly Bible and noticed how many pagan symbols there are. Of course, the ‘pagan’ term was also invented by Christians so it’s kinda hypocrite to use it. Nevertheless, you get my point. So I would like to ask you: Do you believe that there is a greater force guiding all our steps or deciding our destiny from the moment we come to life, as if we are simple puppets? Or do you think that we are the only ones responsible for the outcome of our life or for what happens around?
As far as I know, the person I was telling you about thinks that dedicating her life to God was a waste of life, just like spending time in a jail. Knowing that she met other persons that still do this she feels free now.
Talk to you soon I hope! Best of wishes and hugs!
XoXo,
Sara.
P.S. I hope you won’t get scared by this e-mail and by my questions.”
To be continued...
When she finally got home and closed the door behind her she ran inside her room without even getting her jacket off and opened the laptop. While the operating system was booting a strange state of impatience got a hold of her so strong that she was tapping he table with 4 fingers of her right hand. The welcome screen finally appeared so she typed fastest than ever the password and pressed enter. After 30 more seconds she had already opened the internet browser and typed her e-mail address. She wanted to see if David sent her another e-mail, it was all she was wishing for. “Sara, are you serious? Your plan just came to life today and all you desire is an e-mail from a boy you just met online?!” Still she waited for the web-page to load but there was no e-mail there. Not from David at least. Instead she had received one without any subject and from no sender at all. “Strange. I wonder what the hell could this be...” She gave it a little bit of thinking before clicking it but she eventually gave in to her curiosity. It was empty, really long but with no words at all. She took the scroll down bar and pulled it ‘till the very end of the page and there they were. 4 words written with small letters and colored in red: “Do the right thing!” She raised both of her eyebrows and stared at it for 30 seconds after which she closed the internet browser, lighted up a cigarette and turned on the music. She then went to the bathroom with the cigarette between her soft lips and took a really short look in the mirror, smiled pleased and went back to the laptop. She opened the internet browser again and typed “homemade explosives” and hit enter. “Boom!” Way too many results appeared yet there was one which description was exactly what she was looking for. “Let’s see what we have here!”
After three hours she closed the lid and just started starring at nothing. Her blue eyes were wide open but they weren’t focusing at anything. Sara had reached another dead end. All of the homemade explosives recipes she found on the internet were useless. Almost none of them had the appropriate power to do damage to a concrete structure. Another problem was the fact that the cathedral had been constructed using the finest materials, therefor the walls and columns were really tough. She needed powerful TNT or C4 or some other military stuff... “ Enough for one day I guess, it’s time to celebrate!”
Still her mind ran again to that boy she saw in the cathedral but she ignored it and instead thought about the strange e-mail she received. Sara just couldn’t understand how somebody could send an e-mail with no ID. The message itself was also strange: “Do the right thing! Now what’s that supposed to mean? What is ‘the thing’? And how am I suppose to know what’s ‘the right thing’? Weird...” After one more minute of starring at nothing at all she decided it’s time to write to David.
“Dear David,
How was your day? I would love to speak with you again tonight but I think I will go out. My day was more or less awesome and I feel the need to celebrate a little. Plus I am really hungry and I’m not quite in the mood for cooking. Let’s go to a restaurant and eat something good! Can you come and pick me up at 8 P.M.? Haha, just kidding!
I would like to ask your opinion about something. I know a person that at a certain point in her life was a human that dedicated everything to God but then a 180 degrees change made her deny the very existence of Him and hate the Christianity cult. The experiences through which the person went empowered the hate and now she thinks that the rest of the world needs to know her opinion. I don’t know if you have studied the Holly Bible and noticed how many pagan symbols there are. Of course, the ‘pagan’ term was also invented by Christians so it’s kinda hypocrite to use it. Nevertheless, you get my point. So I would like to ask you: Do you believe that there is a greater force guiding all our steps or deciding our destiny from the moment we come to life, as if we are simple puppets? Or do you think that we are the only ones responsible for the outcome of our life or for what happens around?
As far as I know, the person I was telling you about thinks that dedicating her life to God was a waste of life, just like spending time in a jail. Knowing that she met other persons that still do this she feels free now.
Talk to you soon I hope! Best of wishes and hugs!
XoXo,
Sara.
P.S. I hope you won’t get scared by this e-mail and by my questions.”
To be continued...
3/14/2011
3/13/2011
24 [Episode 8]
She felt a strange energy guiding her that day. After sending the e-mail she put on some music and got out of bed, went to the kitchen and started the coffee maker after which she headed to the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror. She really liked what she was seeing. The Sara that was smiling back from the mirror was more or less perfect, even with the curl not hiding that ugly cut anymore. Nevertheless she knew it had to be hidden because the others won’t understand it and will just stare at it and feel either pity, either think about mocking words.
A short sound let her know that the coffee was ready. She didn’t even blink, she just smiled and nodded. “This is it Sara, let’s get down to business! Let this be the first day of the rest of our life!” She went back into the kitchen, poured the coffee in a big cup, took the ashtray and headed back into her room, took her laptop closer and lighted up a cigarette. She opened the internet browser and tried to find some blueprints for the town’s cathedral. Tons of results were generated which made her raise her right eyebrow without being discouraged because Sara knew she had the perseverance needed to achieve her goal. She spent 5 hours at the laptop surfing through web-sites and almost 2 packs of smokes. She did not find anything useful so she took a moment to think. “Screw this, internet sucks sometimes! I can just go and check out for myself!” She got up and went back into the bathroom, put some makeup on, not too much thou because she just hated the feeling of chemical stuff on her face and because she knew that her face and skin were perfect just the way they were. But still, some makeup will make her even prettier. Then she took her black leather jacket, her snickers on, a pair of glasses, her wallet, the keys and left. The weather outside was lovely even for an autumn day so instead of paying a lot of money on a cab she decided to wait for the bus.
She finally got there, the cathedral was right in front of her. The 48 crosses on the 4 pillars at the entrance were just a proof of how huge the structure was. The actual building process started many years ago, in 1906 and lasted for 9 long years. A massive earthquake in the 1940’s collapsed one of the towers but after reconsolidation, the cathedral was once again new. Like any other Christian building, the cathedral was filled with symbolism and important faces with the rank of saints. “Aw man, pagan stuff everywhere... But no! They all claim that their religion is the only one worth following! Bullshit! 48 crosses, 4 pillars, obvious pagan symbolism!” The massive doors at the entrance were almost always closed so the only way to get in was through a small door situated on the cathedral’s right side. Once she stepped inside she couldn’t help not feeling weird, remembering her years spent at that church, in almost total isolation except for the other nuns. She had a strange instinct of making the cross sign with her right hand but she fought it easily. The paintings were amazingly alive and once inside you could almost feel that all those saint’s eyes painted on the walls were pointed straight at you. Sara smiled as she felt it and switched her point of interest from the paintings to the walls. She was curious where the main structure columns were located, she needed to know exactly where the strong and weak structural points were. Sadly she was no architect but she was smart. At that hour in the entire cathedral there were only 2 other people: a couple. The girl was on her knees praying towards the altar and the boy- pretty good looking, Sara considered- was just behind her with both hands deep in his pockets having that “C’mon already!” look on his face and no faith in God at all. “That’s my type of guy!” While staring at him Sara did not notice the bump on the floor and bumped into it, falling down on her knees. The boy turned his head towards the noise and when he saw her falling down he took his hands out of the pockets in a shy attempt of helping her but then abandoned the idea when he realized that the distance was too big and that she’d be up on her feet by the time he gets close to her. His girlfriend also looked and smiled, thing which irritated Sara a lot. “I’ll come there and wipe that stupid smile off your face with just a simple move you stupid girl!” She got up in a few seconds feeling a little bit embarrassed and then looked towards the altar from which a priest just entered the huge room. She started walking towards him with a “I could eat you alive” look:
-Hello father, said Sara with her head facing the floor!
-Hello, the priest answered!
-Father, I have a curiosity. I suppose you do know all about the building, am I right?
-Yes I do, it had been passed down from generation to generation, answered the priest with a warm, whispered voice.
-I am doing a project for my class and I decided I should chose the cathedral as the most important building in town. I want to ask if you: where are the strong and weak structural points of the building?
Surprisingly the question put a smile on the priest’s face and he decided to give Sara a tour, pin-pointing each spot, each column and introducing historical facts or architectural mistakes. “I am a genius!” Sara thought as she was paying attention to the priest’s indications. She could already picture everything in her head and on the spot everything made sense and it seemed quite simple. Sara knew that it wouldn’t be that easy thou, she knew that an ingenious way was needed to ensure the success of the plan. Nevertheless, the first phase was complete, she found out exactly what she was looking for. “Check!” an imaginary pen inside her head was writing beside a small action plan written on an imaginary piece of paper.
-Thank you very much father! This is all I need for a good grade!
-I am glad I could help you. God bless!
-Right! Bye, said Sara as she turned her back smiling with evil thoughts inside her head!
As she was walking towards the exit she couldn’t help not looking again towards that boy and she was amazed, she almost skipped a heartbeat when their looks met halfway. “Uh, damn boy, stop looking at me, imma blush!” she thought as she rewarded his look with a cute smile. Sara then started walking fast towards the bus station, almost as fast as the scenarios in her head. So many ideas, so many possibilities, so many ways towards success were running inside her head that she needed to get back home faster so that she can put pen to paper. Anyway, Sara spent the entire road back home thinking about the biggest challenge of the plan: getting the raw material that will do the trick. It wasn’t as if she could just go to the store and ask for it. “No worries, chemistry is my friend or at least it will become my friend. I will create my own magic stuff!”
To be continued...
P.S. Sper sa fie mai lizibil textul aranjat asa./ I hope the text is easier to read organized like this. Thanks Alex for the feedback!
A short sound let her know that the coffee was ready. She didn’t even blink, she just smiled and nodded. “This is it Sara, let’s get down to business! Let this be the first day of the rest of our life!” She went back into the kitchen, poured the coffee in a big cup, took the ashtray and headed back into her room, took her laptop closer and lighted up a cigarette. She opened the internet browser and tried to find some blueprints for the town’s cathedral. Tons of results were generated which made her raise her right eyebrow without being discouraged because Sara knew she had the perseverance needed to achieve her goal. She spent 5 hours at the laptop surfing through web-sites and almost 2 packs of smokes. She did not find anything useful so she took a moment to think. “Screw this, internet sucks sometimes! I can just go and check out for myself!” She got up and went back into the bathroom, put some makeup on, not too much thou because she just hated the feeling of chemical stuff on her face and because she knew that her face and skin were perfect just the way they were. But still, some makeup will make her even prettier. Then she took her black leather jacket, her snickers on, a pair of glasses, her wallet, the keys and left. The weather outside was lovely even for an autumn day so instead of paying a lot of money on a cab she decided to wait for the bus.
She finally got there, the cathedral was right in front of her. The 48 crosses on the 4 pillars at the entrance were just a proof of how huge the structure was. The actual building process started many years ago, in 1906 and lasted for 9 long years. A massive earthquake in the 1940’s collapsed one of the towers but after reconsolidation, the cathedral was once again new. Like any other Christian building, the cathedral was filled with symbolism and important faces with the rank of saints. “Aw man, pagan stuff everywhere... But no! They all claim that their religion is the only one worth following! Bullshit! 48 crosses, 4 pillars, obvious pagan symbolism!” The massive doors at the entrance were almost always closed so the only way to get in was through a small door situated on the cathedral’s right side. Once she stepped inside she couldn’t help not feeling weird, remembering her years spent at that church, in almost total isolation except for the other nuns. She had a strange instinct of making the cross sign with her right hand but she fought it easily. The paintings were amazingly alive and once inside you could almost feel that all those saint’s eyes painted on the walls were pointed straight at you. Sara smiled as she felt it and switched her point of interest from the paintings to the walls. She was curious where the main structure columns were located, she needed to know exactly where the strong and weak structural points were. Sadly she was no architect but she was smart. At that hour in the entire cathedral there were only 2 other people: a couple. The girl was on her knees praying towards the altar and the boy- pretty good looking, Sara considered- was just behind her with both hands deep in his pockets having that “C’mon already!” look on his face and no faith in God at all. “That’s my type of guy!” While staring at him Sara did not notice the bump on the floor and bumped into it, falling down on her knees. The boy turned his head towards the noise and when he saw her falling down he took his hands out of the pockets in a shy attempt of helping her but then abandoned the idea when he realized that the distance was too big and that she’d be up on her feet by the time he gets close to her. His girlfriend also looked and smiled, thing which irritated Sara a lot. “I’ll come there and wipe that stupid smile off your face with just a simple move you stupid girl!” She got up in a few seconds feeling a little bit embarrassed and then looked towards the altar from which a priest just entered the huge room. She started walking towards him with a “I could eat you alive” look:
-Hello father, said Sara with her head facing the floor!
-Hello, the priest answered!
-Father, I have a curiosity. I suppose you do know all about the building, am I right?
-Yes I do, it had been passed down from generation to generation, answered the priest with a warm, whispered voice.
-I am doing a project for my class and I decided I should chose the cathedral as the most important building in town. I want to ask if you: where are the strong and weak structural points of the building?
Surprisingly the question put a smile on the priest’s face and he decided to give Sara a tour, pin-pointing each spot, each column and introducing historical facts or architectural mistakes. “I am a genius!” Sara thought as she was paying attention to the priest’s indications. She could already picture everything in her head and on the spot everything made sense and it seemed quite simple. Sara knew that it wouldn’t be that easy thou, she knew that an ingenious way was needed to ensure the success of the plan. Nevertheless, the first phase was complete, she found out exactly what she was looking for. “Check!” an imaginary pen inside her head was writing beside a small action plan written on an imaginary piece of paper.
-Thank you very much father! This is all I need for a good grade!
-I am glad I could help you. God bless!
-Right! Bye, said Sara as she turned her back smiling with evil thoughts inside her head!
As she was walking towards the exit she couldn’t help not looking again towards that boy and she was amazed, she almost skipped a heartbeat when their looks met halfway. “Uh, damn boy, stop looking at me, imma blush!” she thought as she rewarded his look with a cute smile. Sara then started walking fast towards the bus station, almost as fast as the scenarios in her head. So many ideas, so many possibilities, so many ways towards success were running inside her head that she needed to get back home faster so that she can put pen to paper. Anyway, Sara spent the entire road back home thinking about the biggest challenge of the plan: getting the raw material that will do the trick. It wasn’t as if she could just go to the store and ask for it. “No worries, chemistry is my friend or at least it will become my friend. I will create my own magic stuff!”
To be continued...
P.S. Sper sa fie mai lizibil textul aranjat asa./ I hope the text is easier to read organized like this. Thanks Alex for the feedback!
3/11/2011
24 [Episode 7]
Huge plans for a teenager anyone would think. Sara wasn’t a regular teenager thou... As years passed she probably forgot or just put to sleep the crazy thoughts from that day. With the money her parents left her she bought her own apartment, a 1 room flat with bathroom and kitchen. Not too small, not too big, just her own little place she called home. And indeed, it was her home. She painted the walls in a warm cream-color, bought just a few pieces of furniture: a bed obviously, a dresser and a small table where she would put her cups of coffee, cigarettes and the ashtray. Only one painting was hanging on the wall and even if the ones that saw it judged it cool but weird or simply crazy, the picture symbolized a lot of things for Sara, even if it was just a simple sign with a quote below: “Do what thou wilt!” It was the sign of anarchy, the sign that she tattooed at a certain point on her back. It symbolized all the things that she lost, all the pain she went through, all the delusions, all the lies, all the perfect moments, tears, laughs, strength and weakness, energy and ambition. Whenever she would see it in the mirror she would know that she has a purpose in life and she would remember where she came from.
The kitchen was plain simple with a two persons table, a fridge, an oven, a microwave oven, a toaster, a coffee maker, a few jars with sugar, coffee, spices and right next to them the tableware. Sara rarely cooked but she liked to have all those things there, it made her feel normal. Her entire place was smelling like tobacco but she didn’t mind, she was a hardcore smoker after all. The bathroom was probably the flat’s darkest room because Sara enjoyed watching herself in the mirror a lot. The sad part about mirrors is that when one looks at them long enough they can see itself just as one is. When Sara was looking in the mirror with her eyes opened she would sometimes see a strong woman that went through more than anyone yet survived, but sometimes she would just see a social retard, a weak being that has a real problem, that has no reasons to live. She often cried out her soul in the bathroom, she even stood with a razorblade in her right hand thinking to cut open her wrist hoping that everything will end this way, that the pain would disappear, that she’d escape this stupid world. But she never had the guts to do it because whenever she was right on the edge her mum’s voice would echo loudly in her head: “Don’t you give up! Stand up, stop crying!” and she’d throw the razorblade away, wash her face and screamed. Screams of power, rage and courage, that’s what Sara considered they were.
She was almost 25 now. 7 years passed since she left the church, since she decided to deny God and faith and to start her own religion. It was the right choice and she had no regrets now, she accepted that period of her life as an episode of the story about finding herself. Her hair was still bloody red as she painted it that day and it made a strong contrast with her blue eyes. She had a messy hairstyle with a curl hanging down her face covering the one sign that always remembered her of darkness: the scar she stamped herself with lots of years ago. She tried letting it on display but it only accentuated her weirdo look, people always starring at it while she was in public. Tattoos also became one of her favorite things because they involved pain and she loved feeling at least pain than nothing at all. Her right hand was totally covered with tattoos, all of them linking together but with apparently no sense at all. It symbolized her personal chaos and as her friends well knew, Sara could explain the order and the links. On her back, besides the large anarchy symbol she also had a swastika and a few more symbols linking to reincarnation, immortality and good luck. Her legs were both “on flames” from the ankle up to the knee. These were the ones that she wasn’t proud of. First of all she had them done at rage, when she was not sober and dreaming. It was one of those “I bet you don’t have the guts to do it!” moments when she left herself influenced by her stupid friends.
Having her own money, lots of them even, Sara never had to work. She lived in a cyclic Saturday where she would go to bed or not, where she would drink as much as she could stand without going over the edge, do drugs, have fun, visit stupid places that seemed cool. All in all, in 2 years she almost spent 3 quarters of the money on nothing much. She bought a lot of clothes, shoes, hats, jewels and stuff like that but more she just threw away on alcohol, smokes, drugs, buying drinks for her friends, junk food, fancy dinners in places she knew she didn’t belong, and a car that later on she abandoned after running out of gas. One night she said it should all stop here. She sometimes felt used by her friends that would call inviting her to parties or just to go out for a drink and then when the bill came they would start saying they have no money at all, so she paid. At a certain point she got so fed up that she simply refused to go out with them. So she stood at home, in bed, with the laptop on her legs surfing the internet. Sara felt the need to talk with someone, even a stranger, she felt the need to let go of some of the rage she felt at the moment. So she found a simple website that required registration, following which you could randomly talk with a stranger from all over the world. “This is awesome! Just what I was looking for!” she thought as she completed the spaces required for the registration. RedAnarchy was her nickname and shortly after she completed the sign up process she was assigned a so called buddy to chat with. They said hello to each other and started talking. And they talked for hours and hours, they both laughed, exchanged funny stories, talked about the moments when they both felt the need to commit suicide, about the moments when love shone in their hearts – Sara preferred to lie here, she never knew true love - or about bad dates. It was amazing!
-I simply don’t understand how from all the people in the world, this stupid computer assigned you to me! Said Sara blushing a little.
-Me neither but I damn glad it happened! What’s your real name?
-Sara. What’s yours?
-David.
A few moments of awkward silence because they both realized that they would love to talk again, especially now when they weren’t just two strangers talking on the internet. They knew each other a little bit, they knew their real life names.
-Nice to meet you Sara, you’re a really cool person!
-Nice to meet you too and I am also glad for this coincidence. You seem like a really nice guy!
-Thanks! Hey, listen, I should head to bed because it’s getting kinda late. How would you like to talk again sometime? We could exchange e-mail addresses or something and keep in touch there.
-Uhm, I don’t know. I already told you that I was used by people before and I find it hard to trust you.
-Sara, I am not a hacker, I barely know how to install my operating system on this computer. C’mon, we would just mail each other whenever we would feel the need to talk about our crazy real life experiences.
-Okay, fine, let’s do it!
-Awesome, it will be just like in “You’ve got mail!”
-Haha, I loved that movie a lot to be honest! Too bad I don’t own a bookstore and have no passion for books whatsoever.
-It’s okay, I’m not Tom Hanks anyway. Haha!
-Okay David. Let’s get to bed, it is kinda late.
-Yep. Sleep tight, talk to you soon I hope!
-Sure thing. Good night David!
And she closed the website with a dumb smile on her face, feeling a million times better, feeling happy. This was the best conversation she ever had, it was all she needed that night, David seemed like the perfect guy for her. Then she groaned and yawned thinking that she would never get the chance to actually meet him, she would never see how he looks like or what color his eyes are. “Maybe he’s a fat guy with acne and glasses for all I know... But still, I can’t wait to talk with him again!” And she closed her eyes smiling and fell asleep like that. When she woke up it was almost 1 in the afternoon and sun invaded her room, making the atmosphere hot. She got out of bed, went to the kitchen and drank a huge glass of milk then she lighted a cigarette. Sara went back to her room and turned the laptop back on. Suddenly her heart started beating faster and that dumb smile came back: she had 1 new e-mail. She quickly opened her e-mail address and clicked on the inbox folder. There it was, 1 new e-mail message from David, her dreamy guy.
“Dear Sara,
Good morning! Rise and shine because it’s a beautiful day! Take a look out of the window and see the Sun smiling just for you, feel its rays embracing you and warming up your heart. Look at the little birds singing, at the flies minding their own business, listen to the music for a little, see its beauty... Just don’t mind the people always being in a rush, they are just running towards death without even knowing it, they have no purpose at all.
Have a great day Sara, you simply found a place in my mind and I thank you for that!
Hugs,
David.”
After reading it she was mesmerized for like 5 minutes, being unable to do anything except puffing her cigarette and looking out of the window. It felt so good that she could do this for an entire eon. But then she remembered that she wasn’t quite a regular person, that she has a dark past, that her future has a deadline and a few action steps that need to be completed; she remembered that she is not one of the people running like freaks towards their death, she has a purpose, she has something to do and it’s not for her own wellbeing but for the world’s. She decided to reply back:
“Dear David,
Thank you very much for everything! You have no idea of how much help you’ve been! Have an awesome day as well and I’ll talk to you soon! I just remembered I have a purpose and that it’s time I get down to business.
Hugs,
Sara.”
To be continued...
The kitchen was plain simple with a two persons table, a fridge, an oven, a microwave oven, a toaster, a coffee maker, a few jars with sugar, coffee, spices and right next to them the tableware. Sara rarely cooked but she liked to have all those things there, it made her feel normal. Her entire place was smelling like tobacco but she didn’t mind, she was a hardcore smoker after all. The bathroom was probably the flat’s darkest room because Sara enjoyed watching herself in the mirror a lot. The sad part about mirrors is that when one looks at them long enough they can see itself just as one is. When Sara was looking in the mirror with her eyes opened she would sometimes see a strong woman that went through more than anyone yet survived, but sometimes she would just see a social retard, a weak being that has a real problem, that has no reasons to live. She often cried out her soul in the bathroom, she even stood with a razorblade in her right hand thinking to cut open her wrist hoping that everything will end this way, that the pain would disappear, that she’d escape this stupid world. But she never had the guts to do it because whenever she was right on the edge her mum’s voice would echo loudly in her head: “Don’t you give up! Stand up, stop crying!” and she’d throw the razorblade away, wash her face and screamed. Screams of power, rage and courage, that’s what Sara considered they were.
She was almost 25 now. 7 years passed since she left the church, since she decided to deny God and faith and to start her own religion. It was the right choice and she had no regrets now, she accepted that period of her life as an episode of the story about finding herself. Her hair was still bloody red as she painted it that day and it made a strong contrast with her blue eyes. She had a messy hairstyle with a curl hanging down her face covering the one sign that always remembered her of darkness: the scar she stamped herself with lots of years ago. She tried letting it on display but it only accentuated her weirdo look, people always starring at it while she was in public. Tattoos also became one of her favorite things because they involved pain and she loved feeling at least pain than nothing at all. Her right hand was totally covered with tattoos, all of them linking together but with apparently no sense at all. It symbolized her personal chaos and as her friends well knew, Sara could explain the order and the links. On her back, besides the large anarchy symbol she also had a swastika and a few more symbols linking to reincarnation, immortality and good luck. Her legs were both “on flames” from the ankle up to the knee. These were the ones that she wasn’t proud of. First of all she had them done at rage, when she was not sober and dreaming. It was one of those “I bet you don’t have the guts to do it!” moments when she left herself influenced by her stupid friends.
Having her own money, lots of them even, Sara never had to work. She lived in a cyclic Saturday where she would go to bed or not, where she would drink as much as she could stand without going over the edge, do drugs, have fun, visit stupid places that seemed cool. All in all, in 2 years she almost spent 3 quarters of the money on nothing much. She bought a lot of clothes, shoes, hats, jewels and stuff like that but more she just threw away on alcohol, smokes, drugs, buying drinks for her friends, junk food, fancy dinners in places she knew she didn’t belong, and a car that later on she abandoned after running out of gas. One night she said it should all stop here. She sometimes felt used by her friends that would call inviting her to parties or just to go out for a drink and then when the bill came they would start saying they have no money at all, so she paid. At a certain point she got so fed up that she simply refused to go out with them. So she stood at home, in bed, with the laptop on her legs surfing the internet. Sara felt the need to talk with someone, even a stranger, she felt the need to let go of some of the rage she felt at the moment. So she found a simple website that required registration, following which you could randomly talk with a stranger from all over the world. “This is awesome! Just what I was looking for!” she thought as she completed the spaces required for the registration. RedAnarchy was her nickname and shortly after she completed the sign up process she was assigned a so called buddy to chat with. They said hello to each other and started talking. And they talked for hours and hours, they both laughed, exchanged funny stories, talked about the moments when they both felt the need to commit suicide, about the moments when love shone in their hearts – Sara preferred to lie here, she never knew true love - or about bad dates. It was amazing!
-I simply don’t understand how from all the people in the world, this stupid computer assigned you to me! Said Sara blushing a little.
-Me neither but I damn glad it happened! What’s your real name?
-Sara. What’s yours?
-David.
A few moments of awkward silence because they both realized that they would love to talk again, especially now when they weren’t just two strangers talking on the internet. They knew each other a little bit, they knew their real life names.
-Nice to meet you Sara, you’re a really cool person!
-Nice to meet you too and I am also glad for this coincidence. You seem like a really nice guy!
-Thanks! Hey, listen, I should head to bed because it’s getting kinda late. How would you like to talk again sometime? We could exchange e-mail addresses or something and keep in touch there.
-Uhm, I don’t know. I already told you that I was used by people before and I find it hard to trust you.
-Sara, I am not a hacker, I barely know how to install my operating system on this computer. C’mon, we would just mail each other whenever we would feel the need to talk about our crazy real life experiences.
-Okay, fine, let’s do it!
-Awesome, it will be just like in “You’ve got mail!”
-Haha, I loved that movie a lot to be honest! Too bad I don’t own a bookstore and have no passion for books whatsoever.
-It’s okay, I’m not Tom Hanks anyway. Haha!
-Okay David. Let’s get to bed, it is kinda late.
-Yep. Sleep tight, talk to you soon I hope!
-Sure thing. Good night David!
And she closed the website with a dumb smile on her face, feeling a million times better, feeling happy. This was the best conversation she ever had, it was all she needed that night, David seemed like the perfect guy for her. Then she groaned and yawned thinking that she would never get the chance to actually meet him, she would never see how he looks like or what color his eyes are. “Maybe he’s a fat guy with acne and glasses for all I know... But still, I can’t wait to talk with him again!” And she closed her eyes smiling and fell asleep like that. When she woke up it was almost 1 in the afternoon and sun invaded her room, making the atmosphere hot. She got out of bed, went to the kitchen and drank a huge glass of milk then she lighted a cigarette. Sara went back to her room and turned the laptop back on. Suddenly her heart started beating faster and that dumb smile came back: she had 1 new e-mail. She quickly opened her e-mail address and clicked on the inbox folder. There it was, 1 new e-mail message from David, her dreamy guy.
“Dear Sara,
Good morning! Rise and shine because it’s a beautiful day! Take a look out of the window and see the Sun smiling just for you, feel its rays embracing you and warming up your heart. Look at the little birds singing, at the flies minding their own business, listen to the music for a little, see its beauty... Just don’t mind the people always being in a rush, they are just running towards death without even knowing it, they have no purpose at all.
Have a great day Sara, you simply found a place in my mind and I thank you for that!
Hugs,
David.”
After reading it she was mesmerized for like 5 minutes, being unable to do anything except puffing her cigarette and looking out of the window. It felt so good that she could do this for an entire eon. But then she remembered that she wasn’t quite a regular person, that she has a dark past, that her future has a deadline and a few action steps that need to be completed; she remembered that she is not one of the people running like freaks towards their death, she has a purpose, she has something to do and it’s not for her own wellbeing but for the world’s. She decided to reply back:
“Dear David,
Thank you very much for everything! You have no idea of how much help you’ve been! Have an awesome day as well and I’ll talk to you soon! I just remembered I have a purpose and that it’s time I get down to business.
Hugs,
Sara.”
To be continued...
3/05/2011
24 [Episode 6]
People always do radical changes but most of the time because they aren’t satisfied with their current life or jobs. In Sara’s case the change she did had more than just one reason, and none of them had anything to do with satisfaction or job.
People are strange and they have different ways through which they can let go of one thing. Sara at that church learned so many things that she simply started to love it. She really loved all the nuns, the structure itself, the chickens, the green grass, the trees, everything. She felt safe and comfortable there and she quickly knew that it would be hard, maybe even impossible to ever leave that place. “They brain washed you!” little Sara used to whisper in her mind. “If I’ll ever want to leave this place I need to make it brutal and quick, I just have to go for it and do everything I can to know that I am not welcome here anymore” she decided one night. “This is the only way I will ever be able to leave my mothers behind, by hurting them. Of course it will hurt me even more, I will cry with my entire soul, but it’s a price I must pay.” Sara also had tons of rage that instead of letting out, she buried deep inside so she had to scream that day, she had to scream her rage out loud. “Rage may make me powerful but it makes me irrational as well, it has to go before I walk on this new road.”
Second of all, in the last two years at the church she started to doubt the existence of God more and more. She read the Holly Bible three times but she was never convinced. She heard stories about miracles that God made, about diseases cured “by the power of God” and about people that served God for their entire lives, the divinity granting their bodies “immortality”. Nevertheless there were too many things that must be like that just because God said so, too many routines, too many prayers, too many restrictions, too many traditions and too much isolation. “God, if you really are up there, could you please give me a sign? I could really use it right now!” Sara kept saying during the cold and lonely night when she couldn’t sleep. Nothing ever happened. After a while she thought that maybe there’s no sign because she is selfish and keeps praying for personal things. She changed the tactic and for 3 long months she prayed for one of the sick kids in the nearest town; keeping all traditions accordingly to the nuns, doing everything right, being honest and pure. Nothing, the kid died eventually. There was just too little justice around her to believe that God is deciding all of this, and the way He was taking decisions sucked big time in Sara’s eyes. “Why didn’t you let the little boy live? He was only 5 years old! You should have taken the old drunk instead, he has no purpose anymore, he just sits there all day long wasting his life.” Eventually, her faith died and she decided to deny God’s existence so she started doing things that regular girls her age do. No more tradition, no more abstinence, enough with the sins and the “please forgive me God!”. She was everything and she was doing everything for herself, answering to no one, requesting help from no one. The change became inevitable.
Still, she felt that she couldn’t leave that place. Leaving the church would mean starting from scratch with nothing at all; no money, no friends, no place to stay, no place to eat, absolutely nothing. Then, 2 days before her 18th birthday she received a letter from the social worker that years ago took care of her and brought her to this place:
“Dear Sara,
We haven’t talked for too long. I really hope everything is okay there, that you are happy and that you feel just like home. I am sending you my warmest wishes and I have one of the best news that you will ever receive.
Sometimes, people decide to make a will before they die and spread their things between the ones that remain alive. As far as I know your mother died when you were born and your father when you had the age of 10. Well, ever since you were a baby they started depositing money into a secret bank account that will remain hidden until you reach the age of 18, which is two days from now. I have no idea where do the money come from and they are untraceable but I can tell you that the sum is pretty decent. These money were supposed, I presume, to assure your faculty studies but as the years passed and so many things changed, they grew in that account as if they made babies. The sum your parents added 18 years ago was so small that you could blew it off in 2 months but now the sum is… Oh well, huge. You’re a millionaire!
The thing is that there’s a clause in the will that if you don’t claim the money in 5 days after turning 18, 60% will go to your uncle and 40% will be automatically donated to a church. My advice to you is to come and cash in the money as soon as possible because your parents wanted you to have them, not somebody else. Also you could do so many things with them, you can’t even imagine.
I think it’s time for you to step back into the world, it’s time for you to live!
Best of wishes and I am looking forward to see you!”
After reading it Sara found herself in the biggest state of confusion ever. How come her “dad, whatever” never mentioned this? How was she supposed to just forget anything and go back into the world without even a scar? Money can’t erase all her nightmares and the pain…
She had been torn apart for a few days by doubt. On one hand she felt comfortable and safe there but deep inside she knew that wasn’t her place, she felt that there are other things that she should do, other roads to be walked. Thankfully, the quiet at the church allowed her to think clearly and to make a plan. “I hope I won’t regret anything because at the moment everything makes a lot of sense in my head. This feels right although I wish my mothers wouldn’t have reacted this way. I am proud I was able to suppress my tears...” thought Sara now as she was walking down the trail leading to the town. She had been down this road for many times to get groceries for the nuns and she always hated it because the woods were always taking a creepy appearance. The way the sunrays were projected on the ground through the old trees and the torn apart branches was sometimes just like a horror movie scene; she hated horror movies. But now it wasn’t so scary, as if she grew up and now knows that there are no hidden monsters and nobody waiting for her in the bushes. “When I get in town I’ll grab some food for the road and get a train to my hometown. I’ll cash in the money, buy an apartment and start my mission. I don’t need anyone for this and the fact that I will do everything alone, with no interactions, no distractions, will ensure my success. It’s not like I am doing this for myself, the world needs it and apparently I am the person for the job! I’ll just start from down and slowly climb my way up until I get to Rome, there my true test lies and only by succeeding there the world would think again about all the lies surrounding religion.”
To be continued...
People are strange and they have different ways through which they can let go of one thing. Sara at that church learned so many things that she simply started to love it. She really loved all the nuns, the structure itself, the chickens, the green grass, the trees, everything. She felt safe and comfortable there and she quickly knew that it would be hard, maybe even impossible to ever leave that place. “They brain washed you!” little Sara used to whisper in her mind. “If I’ll ever want to leave this place I need to make it brutal and quick, I just have to go for it and do everything I can to know that I am not welcome here anymore” she decided one night. “This is the only way I will ever be able to leave my mothers behind, by hurting them. Of course it will hurt me even more, I will cry with my entire soul, but it’s a price I must pay.” Sara also had tons of rage that instead of letting out, she buried deep inside so she had to scream that day, she had to scream her rage out loud. “Rage may make me powerful but it makes me irrational as well, it has to go before I walk on this new road.”
Second of all, in the last two years at the church she started to doubt the existence of God more and more. She read the Holly Bible three times but she was never convinced. She heard stories about miracles that God made, about diseases cured “by the power of God” and about people that served God for their entire lives, the divinity granting their bodies “immortality”. Nevertheless there were too many things that must be like that just because God said so, too many routines, too many prayers, too many restrictions, too many traditions and too much isolation. “God, if you really are up there, could you please give me a sign? I could really use it right now!” Sara kept saying during the cold and lonely night when she couldn’t sleep. Nothing ever happened. After a while she thought that maybe there’s no sign because she is selfish and keeps praying for personal things. She changed the tactic and for 3 long months she prayed for one of the sick kids in the nearest town; keeping all traditions accordingly to the nuns, doing everything right, being honest and pure. Nothing, the kid died eventually. There was just too little justice around her to believe that God is deciding all of this, and the way He was taking decisions sucked big time in Sara’s eyes. “Why didn’t you let the little boy live? He was only 5 years old! You should have taken the old drunk instead, he has no purpose anymore, he just sits there all day long wasting his life.” Eventually, her faith died and she decided to deny God’s existence so she started doing things that regular girls her age do. No more tradition, no more abstinence, enough with the sins and the “please forgive me God!”. She was everything and she was doing everything for herself, answering to no one, requesting help from no one. The change became inevitable.
Still, she felt that she couldn’t leave that place. Leaving the church would mean starting from scratch with nothing at all; no money, no friends, no place to stay, no place to eat, absolutely nothing. Then, 2 days before her 18th birthday she received a letter from the social worker that years ago took care of her and brought her to this place:
“Dear Sara,
We haven’t talked for too long. I really hope everything is okay there, that you are happy and that you feel just like home. I am sending you my warmest wishes and I have one of the best news that you will ever receive.
Sometimes, people decide to make a will before they die and spread their things between the ones that remain alive. As far as I know your mother died when you were born and your father when you had the age of 10. Well, ever since you were a baby they started depositing money into a secret bank account that will remain hidden until you reach the age of 18, which is two days from now. I have no idea where do the money come from and they are untraceable but I can tell you that the sum is pretty decent. These money were supposed, I presume, to assure your faculty studies but as the years passed and so many things changed, they grew in that account as if they made babies. The sum your parents added 18 years ago was so small that you could blew it off in 2 months but now the sum is… Oh well, huge. You’re a millionaire!
The thing is that there’s a clause in the will that if you don’t claim the money in 5 days after turning 18, 60% will go to your uncle and 40% will be automatically donated to a church. My advice to you is to come and cash in the money as soon as possible because your parents wanted you to have them, not somebody else. Also you could do so many things with them, you can’t even imagine.
I think it’s time for you to step back into the world, it’s time for you to live!
Best of wishes and I am looking forward to see you!”
After reading it Sara found herself in the biggest state of confusion ever. How come her “dad, whatever” never mentioned this? How was she supposed to just forget anything and go back into the world without even a scar? Money can’t erase all her nightmares and the pain…
She had been torn apart for a few days by doubt. On one hand she felt comfortable and safe there but deep inside she knew that wasn’t her place, she felt that there are other things that she should do, other roads to be walked. Thankfully, the quiet at the church allowed her to think clearly and to make a plan. “I hope I won’t regret anything because at the moment everything makes a lot of sense in my head. This feels right although I wish my mothers wouldn’t have reacted this way. I am proud I was able to suppress my tears...” thought Sara now as she was walking down the trail leading to the town. She had been down this road for many times to get groceries for the nuns and she always hated it because the woods were always taking a creepy appearance. The way the sunrays were projected on the ground through the old trees and the torn apart branches was sometimes just like a horror movie scene; she hated horror movies. But now it wasn’t so scary, as if she grew up and now knows that there are no hidden monsters and nobody waiting for her in the bushes. “When I get in town I’ll grab some food for the road and get a train to my hometown. I’ll cash in the money, buy an apartment and start my mission. I don’t need anyone for this and the fact that I will do everything alone, with no interactions, no distractions, will ensure my success. It’s not like I am doing this for myself, the world needs it and apparently I am the person for the job! I’ll just start from down and slowly climb my way up until I get to Rome, there my true test lies and only by succeeding there the world would think again about all the lies surrounding religion.”
To be continued...
3/03/2011
24 [Episode 5]
All those scenes that she faced while a fragile kid left a mark on her, bruised her soul for eternity. Blood, alcohol, violence, trash talks and growing up without a mother made her cold, strong yet fragile. After her father’s violent death she found herself alone, without anyone that could take care of her, provide her a home or daily money for school. She had to take one of the hardest decisions ever back then: being adopted by another family or trying to grow up on her own in an institution for orphans. She had an uncle but he wasn’t in the country anymore so even if the authorities contacted him and managed to explain the situation he simply refused to take Sara under his protective wing. So she was left with only one option: growing up by herself.
Adoption was not an alternative for her because she simply didn’t want to deal with other’s problems again. So she was suggested by one of the social workers responsible for her case to “take the path of God as a nun”. At first it all sounded weird because as a nun she had to be surrounded by other women a lot older than her, in a church, to follow a daily routine, with no TV, no midnight snacks, no fun. Then she gave it a better thought and considered that she could use the time off to contemplate a little on her life and her future. Nevertheless a girl her age should never be put in this situation because her life experience is not at all wide enough to handle decisions like this. But Sara managed somehow; she didn’t crack, she never shed a tear but also she never smiled for a couple of years. Deep inside her, rage was dominating everything so she even stopped interacting with the other nuns for a while. She was following the daily routines and the work she was assigned but in complete silence, like she had taken a vow to never open her mouth. In her mind on the other hand a smaller Sara was the most talkative person alive. “The other me” as she called her thoughts, was judging everything, doubting everything and most of the time saying bad words about everyone. Sara kept screaming “Silence! Shut up! Don’t ever say that again!” but apparently it had no use. So she eventually surrendered to her thoughts and started talking again. This was a huge surprise for all the nuns because ever since she came there Sara didn’t say much and never spoke about herself with anyone. Nevertheless, all the nuns had faith in her and figured out that she needs a little bit of time to find herself after the horrors she had been through, so they kept saluting her and asking her different questions during the day, questions which Sara always answered with her body.
Until one day when one of the nuns met Sara early in the morning on the hallway leading to the kitchen:
-Good morning Sara!
-Good morning to you as well! What a beautiful day, isn’t it? Said Sara smiling with a strange warmth in her eyes.
The nun was so amazed that she just froze there without saying anything else, just watching as the girl continued her walk to the kitchen. Then she got out of the petrified state and ran telling everybody that Sara started speaking and that she was all joyful and happy. They all considered that their prayers have been listened and that God helped Sara find her way.
And so it was. Sara became one of the most talkative persons from the church, she started singing in the chorus, started going to the nearest town for supplies, started doing things as if nothing bad ever happened to her. It was a little bit weird for all the nuns because they just couldn’t understand how Sara had the power to burry everything behind her but seeing her happy was all the mattered. Time passed and Sara grew, she was 18 now, not a girl anymore. Over the years the nuns started to let her act like a real girl, not like a woman that chose the path of God and abstinence, so Sara even dated a few guys from the nearest town. Nothing serious, no love, not even sex but these “relationships” taught her a couple of things about boys.
On the day she turned 18 she decided that it’s time to head out into the world and to try put her plans in action. She stood up all night long and made a few radical changes regarding her looks. She painted her hair bloody red to mark the events that made her who she is today and added another 3 cuts on her right forearm for the three persons she lost until now: her mother, her… “dad, whatever” and herself. She packed her bags and as soon as the sun came up she got dressed just like a boy with a weird smile on her face, took her bags and went in front of the church. She stood there for a few minutes and admired the beautiful construction, all the columns, the painted saints, the environment, the sunrays hitting her face and then she started screaming. She screamed until she felt that her throat will start bleeding, stopped, let go of the bags and took a deep breath. In a few seconds all the nuns were outside staring at her as if she was somebody else, as if the joyful Sara disappeared and now her body was possessed by a demon.
-Sara, what in the name of God Almighty happened to you?
-Good morning! Nothing, I just wanted to make a few changes.
-But why? You were perfect the way you were. What has gotten into you?
-It’s time for me to move on. I felt the need to scream that out loud and I apologies if I scared you. In these years that passed you were everything to me, mothers, fathers, role-models, you all were my family. I love each and every one of you but you all are hypocrites.
-What are you talking about? Who is this girl? What have you done with Sara, the girl that was smiling whenever you passed near hear, the girl that always helped everyone, the good and kind Sara?
-She is still here. Deep inside she is crying for saying this but she has to. I know for a fact that many of you envy me, many of you feel that this is not your place, that you don’t belong here. But still, you lie in front of God everyday, you lie to yourselves every second. Grow some balls and do something about it! There’s a world out there you know? It’s absolutely okay to believe in God but ever since I came here he didn’t even listened one of my prayers, not even one! And who said that God is a He? Maybe it’s a She…
-He listens to them all Sara, don’t lose your faith because in the end it’s all humans have.
-Lies! All humans have is their life. And if you all decide to waste it here, then I pray to God that your soul will find another human body after the current one can’t sustain you anymore, a body through which you’ll truly live. You are wasting time praying to some painted pieces of wood, kissing some rocks and worshiping something you can’t even touch!
Then Sara picked up her bags, looked to the sky and screamed with all her lungs, holding her eyes closed:
-There is nothing but air up there, air and birds enjoying it. You heard me God? You don’t exist! I, Sara, demand that you do one good thing and shine some light into these women heads and let them go, let them live!
A few of the nuns started crying, a few just raised their hands and put them over their mouths, others started praying to God for Sara’s forgiveness but one of them, the oldest nun started walking towards the girl. While Sara wanted to turn around and say one last thing to the nuns, her left check was instantly electrified. The nun slapped Sara as hard as her father did many years ago and then raised the other hand to slap the other check as well. From nowhere, the girl grabbed the nun’s left hand and was just holding it up.
-You shouldn’t have done that mother! Then Sara slapped the nun with her free hand and gave her a strong push, forcing her to fall down on the concrete. Nobody is allowed to slap me, said Sara smiling with one red check!
Then she picked up her bags and started walking towards the exit. 5 meters away she stopped, turned around and gave the church one last look with an evil smile on her face:
-Yep, we should do that sometime Sara! It’s about time the world opens its eyes and starts to live. Thank you mothers for opening my eyes! Kisses and hugs, love you all!
-I hope God will forgive you for this, said the nun lying on the concrete!
-Ya, ya, ya whatever! I am just like God, I am my universe, I am my own Lord, I am the only one that can decide which path my life takes. Buh-bye now! Ha-ha-ha-ha, said Sara as she kept walking towards the trail that led to the nearest town!
To be continued...
Adoption was not an alternative for her because she simply didn’t want to deal with other’s problems again. So she was suggested by one of the social workers responsible for her case to “take the path of God as a nun”. At first it all sounded weird because as a nun she had to be surrounded by other women a lot older than her, in a church, to follow a daily routine, with no TV, no midnight snacks, no fun. Then she gave it a better thought and considered that she could use the time off to contemplate a little on her life and her future. Nevertheless a girl her age should never be put in this situation because her life experience is not at all wide enough to handle decisions like this. But Sara managed somehow; she didn’t crack, she never shed a tear but also she never smiled for a couple of years. Deep inside her, rage was dominating everything so she even stopped interacting with the other nuns for a while. She was following the daily routines and the work she was assigned but in complete silence, like she had taken a vow to never open her mouth. In her mind on the other hand a smaller Sara was the most talkative person alive. “The other me” as she called her thoughts, was judging everything, doubting everything and most of the time saying bad words about everyone. Sara kept screaming “Silence! Shut up! Don’t ever say that again!” but apparently it had no use. So she eventually surrendered to her thoughts and started talking again. This was a huge surprise for all the nuns because ever since she came there Sara didn’t say much and never spoke about herself with anyone. Nevertheless, all the nuns had faith in her and figured out that she needs a little bit of time to find herself after the horrors she had been through, so they kept saluting her and asking her different questions during the day, questions which Sara always answered with her body.
Until one day when one of the nuns met Sara early in the morning on the hallway leading to the kitchen:
-Good morning Sara!
-Good morning to you as well! What a beautiful day, isn’t it? Said Sara smiling with a strange warmth in her eyes.
The nun was so amazed that she just froze there without saying anything else, just watching as the girl continued her walk to the kitchen. Then she got out of the petrified state and ran telling everybody that Sara started speaking and that she was all joyful and happy. They all considered that their prayers have been listened and that God helped Sara find her way.
And so it was. Sara became one of the most talkative persons from the church, she started singing in the chorus, started going to the nearest town for supplies, started doing things as if nothing bad ever happened to her. It was a little bit weird for all the nuns because they just couldn’t understand how Sara had the power to burry everything behind her but seeing her happy was all the mattered. Time passed and Sara grew, she was 18 now, not a girl anymore. Over the years the nuns started to let her act like a real girl, not like a woman that chose the path of God and abstinence, so Sara even dated a few guys from the nearest town. Nothing serious, no love, not even sex but these “relationships” taught her a couple of things about boys.
On the day she turned 18 she decided that it’s time to head out into the world and to try put her plans in action. She stood up all night long and made a few radical changes regarding her looks. She painted her hair bloody red to mark the events that made her who she is today and added another 3 cuts on her right forearm for the three persons she lost until now: her mother, her… “dad, whatever” and herself. She packed her bags and as soon as the sun came up she got dressed just like a boy with a weird smile on her face, took her bags and went in front of the church. She stood there for a few minutes and admired the beautiful construction, all the columns, the painted saints, the environment, the sunrays hitting her face and then she started screaming. She screamed until she felt that her throat will start bleeding, stopped, let go of the bags and took a deep breath. In a few seconds all the nuns were outside staring at her as if she was somebody else, as if the joyful Sara disappeared and now her body was possessed by a demon.
-Sara, what in the name of God Almighty happened to you?
-Good morning! Nothing, I just wanted to make a few changes.
-But why? You were perfect the way you were. What has gotten into you?
-It’s time for me to move on. I felt the need to scream that out loud and I apologies if I scared you. In these years that passed you were everything to me, mothers, fathers, role-models, you all were my family. I love each and every one of you but you all are hypocrites.
-What are you talking about? Who is this girl? What have you done with Sara, the girl that was smiling whenever you passed near hear, the girl that always helped everyone, the good and kind Sara?
-She is still here. Deep inside she is crying for saying this but she has to. I know for a fact that many of you envy me, many of you feel that this is not your place, that you don’t belong here. But still, you lie in front of God everyday, you lie to yourselves every second. Grow some balls and do something about it! There’s a world out there you know? It’s absolutely okay to believe in God but ever since I came here he didn’t even listened one of my prayers, not even one! And who said that God is a He? Maybe it’s a She…
-He listens to them all Sara, don’t lose your faith because in the end it’s all humans have.
-Lies! All humans have is their life. And if you all decide to waste it here, then I pray to God that your soul will find another human body after the current one can’t sustain you anymore, a body through which you’ll truly live. You are wasting time praying to some painted pieces of wood, kissing some rocks and worshiping something you can’t even touch!
Then Sara picked up her bags, looked to the sky and screamed with all her lungs, holding her eyes closed:
-There is nothing but air up there, air and birds enjoying it. You heard me God? You don’t exist! I, Sara, demand that you do one good thing and shine some light into these women heads and let them go, let them live!
A few of the nuns started crying, a few just raised their hands and put them over their mouths, others started praying to God for Sara’s forgiveness but one of them, the oldest nun started walking towards the girl. While Sara wanted to turn around and say one last thing to the nuns, her left check was instantly electrified. The nun slapped Sara as hard as her father did many years ago and then raised the other hand to slap the other check as well. From nowhere, the girl grabbed the nun’s left hand and was just holding it up.
-You shouldn’t have done that mother! Then Sara slapped the nun with her free hand and gave her a strong push, forcing her to fall down on the concrete. Nobody is allowed to slap me, said Sara smiling with one red check!
Then she picked up her bags and started walking towards the exit. 5 meters away she stopped, turned around and gave the church one last look with an evil smile on her face:
-Yep, we should do that sometime Sara! It’s about time the world opens its eyes and starts to live. Thank you mothers for opening my eyes! Kisses and hugs, love you all!
-I hope God will forgive you for this, said the nun lying on the concrete!
-Ya, ya, ya whatever! I am just like God, I am my universe, I am my own Lord, I am the only one that can decide which path my life takes. Buh-bye now! Ha-ha-ha-ha, said Sara as she kept walking towards the trail that led to the nearest town!
To be continued...
2/22/2011
2/18/2011
24 [Episode 4]
“He won’t do anything. I don’t even care if he was a cop or not, actually I hope I didn’t call a cop because he will never guess what’s going on! Nevertheless, who would think about what I’m going to do? Nobody!” She kept smiling in the mirror, admiring herself and her cuts. “People nowadays are so ignorant! Put more of them at the same spot and they will even watch another person die without doing anything, thinking that the person right next to them will. Pathetic! That’s why I have no chance to fail, not even if I go with a bandana around my eyes!” Then she turned around, killed the light, closed the door, took a deep breath and went inside the kitchen. A quick look at the clock and she was ready for her biggest day. “It’s 12:45. Just a few more hours and I will achieve immortality, I will become a legend! Oh, how I will crumble their reality today! But first, I’d better eat something...”
Life’s harder than a rock sometimes. No doubts that life is as cruel as Lucifer himself with some people. Sara knew this better than anyone, or she loved to think so. She was born exactly 25 years ago, on 12 December 1985. A cold winter, a cold bed, a cold mother. Her mother gave her life so that she may live, so that she may taste fresh air, feel the green grass, experience love and all those great things that make life beautiful. One thing her mother forgot to mention: her husband. Sara referred to him as a thing for his entire life, always called him ‘dude’ and never loved him. Sara’s father was a drunk and a drug addict. Nevertheless he had a well paid job, lots of friends and at a certain point she even found a clear smile on his face. Alcohol was already a huge problem for him, it made him lose his job but not his ‘friends’. Sara remembered the days when she used to come back from school to find her father laughing with his friends in the kitchen, drunk as hell, as if life was amazing. Then things got worse…
“Don’t regret it Sara, not at all! You did the right thing, he deserved it!” her mother’s voice echoed in her head whenever she remembered that day. Things weren’t going so smooth at school, she fell in love with a boy that wasn’t giving her any attention, the grades dropped because she just couldn’t find silence at home to study and she got into a fight with one of her classmates. Sara was just happy that finally school ended and she can go home to listen to music in her room without being bothered by anyone. She got home faster than ever:
-Hey, I’m home!
-Sara, how are you my dear?
-Aw man, you’re drunk again! Leave me alone, go to sleep!
-Honey be careful how you talk with your dad!
-Ya, whatever...
-You may be 10 but I raised you, I gave you food, I gave you a home! Stupid kids, they are never grateful for the sacrifices their parents do! Her father said hitting the table hard with his fist.
-Shut up! You never sacrificed anything! You always did what you wanted to, you always brought your friends over and got drunk even if I was asking you not to because I have to study! Don’t give me that bullshit because I’m not buying it!
He slapped her. Harder than ever... Her cheek became red instantly and it felt as if 1000 lightning bolts were playing underneath her skin. Sara put her right palm over it without knowing how to react. She just couldn’t hear anything around her but she saw her father screaming, waving his hands and throwing things all over the place, filled with anger. It was something strange in his eyes. It wasn’t the same person she knew. Eventually he stopped and went back to the kitchen for another drink. She took advantage, ran into her room and closed the door with the key. Apparently he heard it and rage filled him once again. He started pounding at the door while Sara stood speechless near her window listening how the wood from which the door was made did its best to keep the enraged father away. It didn’t last for long, the door eventually gave away and he blasted inside with fire in his eyes. He did not slap her this time, instead he grabbed her right arm and pulled her away from the window throwing her in the bed. Then slowly, while she was crying with all of her soul, he started untying his belt, then his shirt, smiling like a crazy, mindless freak. “Don’t you give up! Stand up, stop crying!” her mother’s voice shouted in her head. “Kick him in the balls!” She did so and then ran outside without shoes, without a jacket. “Police, the police can help me!” she thought. Sara ran ‘till the closest Police station without even looking back for 1 second. When she entered the building her mind focused on the first chair available where she sat with her feet bruised and her face half red and burst into tears. Tears of fear, tears of joy, tears of safety, it didn’t even matter much because it felt good, it felt like the only right thing to do. She stood there for like 5 minutes crying and crying without a single police officer to ask her if she’s okay. Eventually, a voice screamed from behind the desk:
-Get out of here!
Sara was amazed. She stopped crying instantly and lifted her head. Her eyes were swollen from all those tears and she couldn’t see much.
-But I need help, my dad tried to rape me!
-Maybe later, we’re watching the game now, get out! The same voice answered.
Sara started crying again but this time they were tears of fear. She knew that she had to go home eventually where the monster waits. Her mind was looking for solutions but nothing could be found. It was already night and rather cold, she had not eaten anything and she had a huge homework for the next day. As she got closer to her block her heart started beating faster and faster ‘till she could literally hear the beats. Instinct took over her and from somewhere deep inside, from places she never knew, courage embraced her heart. She looked around for something sharp, something to defend herself but slowly the courage started to disappear, until she remembered about the broken window at the entrance. “I will take a fragment of glass and if he tries to do anything to me I will stick it in his stomach!” Said and done, Sara was facing her flat’s door but right when she decided to take a deep breath and push the handle, the door opened and she closed her eyes throwing her arm to defend herself.
-Sara, forgive me, I don’t...
The glass went deep inside her father’s neck causing him to bleed to death while Sara watched even the last piece of life fading away from his body. It felt good, strange but good, so she didn’t even shed a tear. She ran inside the bathroom took a razorblade and cut her soft face. “He tried to cut me and then he tried to rape me. It was self defense, let him die.”
“Fuck it, I did the right thing!” she thought as she poured some ketchup on a slice of bread.
To be continued...
Life’s harder than a rock sometimes. No doubts that life is as cruel as Lucifer himself with some people. Sara knew this better than anyone, or she loved to think so. She was born exactly 25 years ago, on 12 December 1985. A cold winter, a cold bed, a cold mother. Her mother gave her life so that she may live, so that she may taste fresh air, feel the green grass, experience love and all those great things that make life beautiful. One thing her mother forgot to mention: her husband. Sara referred to him as a thing for his entire life, always called him ‘dude’ and never loved him. Sara’s father was a drunk and a drug addict. Nevertheless he had a well paid job, lots of friends and at a certain point she even found a clear smile on his face. Alcohol was already a huge problem for him, it made him lose his job but not his ‘friends’. Sara remembered the days when she used to come back from school to find her father laughing with his friends in the kitchen, drunk as hell, as if life was amazing. Then things got worse…
“Don’t regret it Sara, not at all! You did the right thing, he deserved it!” her mother’s voice echoed in her head whenever she remembered that day. Things weren’t going so smooth at school, she fell in love with a boy that wasn’t giving her any attention, the grades dropped because she just couldn’t find silence at home to study and she got into a fight with one of her classmates. Sara was just happy that finally school ended and she can go home to listen to music in her room without being bothered by anyone. She got home faster than ever:
-Hey, I’m home!
-Sara, how are you my dear?
-Aw man, you’re drunk again! Leave me alone, go to sleep!
-Honey be careful how you talk with your dad!
-Ya, whatever...
-You may be 10 but I raised you, I gave you food, I gave you a home! Stupid kids, they are never grateful for the sacrifices their parents do! Her father said hitting the table hard with his fist.
-Shut up! You never sacrificed anything! You always did what you wanted to, you always brought your friends over and got drunk even if I was asking you not to because I have to study! Don’t give me that bullshit because I’m not buying it!
He slapped her. Harder than ever... Her cheek became red instantly and it felt as if 1000 lightning bolts were playing underneath her skin. Sara put her right palm over it without knowing how to react. She just couldn’t hear anything around her but she saw her father screaming, waving his hands and throwing things all over the place, filled with anger. It was something strange in his eyes. It wasn’t the same person she knew. Eventually he stopped and went back to the kitchen for another drink. She took advantage, ran into her room and closed the door with the key. Apparently he heard it and rage filled him once again. He started pounding at the door while Sara stood speechless near her window listening how the wood from which the door was made did its best to keep the enraged father away. It didn’t last for long, the door eventually gave away and he blasted inside with fire in his eyes. He did not slap her this time, instead he grabbed her right arm and pulled her away from the window throwing her in the bed. Then slowly, while she was crying with all of her soul, he started untying his belt, then his shirt, smiling like a crazy, mindless freak. “Don’t you give up! Stand up, stop crying!” her mother’s voice shouted in her head. “Kick him in the balls!” She did so and then ran outside without shoes, without a jacket. “Police, the police can help me!” she thought. Sara ran ‘till the closest Police station without even looking back for 1 second. When she entered the building her mind focused on the first chair available where she sat with her feet bruised and her face half red and burst into tears. Tears of fear, tears of joy, tears of safety, it didn’t even matter much because it felt good, it felt like the only right thing to do. She stood there for like 5 minutes crying and crying without a single police officer to ask her if she’s okay. Eventually, a voice screamed from behind the desk:
-Get out of here!
Sara was amazed. She stopped crying instantly and lifted her head. Her eyes were swollen from all those tears and she couldn’t see much.
-But I need help, my dad tried to rape me!
-Maybe later, we’re watching the game now, get out! The same voice answered.
Sara started crying again but this time they were tears of fear. She knew that she had to go home eventually where the monster waits. Her mind was looking for solutions but nothing could be found. It was already night and rather cold, she had not eaten anything and she had a huge homework for the next day. As she got closer to her block her heart started beating faster and faster ‘till she could literally hear the beats. Instinct took over her and from somewhere deep inside, from places she never knew, courage embraced her heart. She looked around for something sharp, something to defend herself but slowly the courage started to disappear, until she remembered about the broken window at the entrance. “I will take a fragment of glass and if he tries to do anything to me I will stick it in his stomach!” Said and done, Sara was facing her flat’s door but right when she decided to take a deep breath and push the handle, the door opened and she closed her eyes throwing her arm to defend herself.
-Sara, forgive me, I don’t...
The glass went deep inside her father’s neck causing him to bleed to death while Sara watched even the last piece of life fading away from his body. It felt good, strange but good, so she didn’t even shed a tear. She ran inside the bathroom took a razorblade and cut her soft face. “He tried to cut me and then he tried to rape me. It was self defense, let him die.”
“Fuck it, I did the right thing!” she thought as she poured some ketchup on a slice of bread.
To be continued...
2/17/2011
24 [Episode 3]
Time always seems to fly when we’re happy or when we concentrate our mind on something that requires attention. Sometimes we have hard times understanding how we can accomplish so few things in such a big amount of time. Hours and hours of thinking for just a simple math exercise or hours of concentration for an idea just to realize that after you found it the satisfaction isn’t quite what you expected. We’re always striving for more, always tackling bigger heights, always setting new and more ambitious objectives.
In David’s case every single second of his life was as important as the safety of his eyes. Nevertheless when he was working at achieving the one thing that mattered to him time flew just like a bird. He used to do research for 20 hours without even realizing as if he would have lost his touch with reality, as if he would slip into a state of nirvana; finding the rules of reincarnation was what made him feel complete. “You’re chasing a mirage!” friends and parents used to tell him. This was bringing him down from time to time but he knew it won’t be easy when he took the decision in the first place, David knew that such a big thing will require his entire energy and nerves. It wasn’t as if he was the only one chasing this dream, it wasn’t as if he found something amazing that others didn’t realize, the only thing pushing him forward and keeping him on the right track was hard to explain but he could feel it. “If I feel it, there’s no doubts, it’s true!” he convinced himself.
The road to the supermarket was quite long. 20 minutes from sidewalk to sidewalk, crossing two streets and then his destination was waiting. Nevertheless, David always felt it’s a waste of time because nothing useful could’ve been done there. You can only spend your money on things you need more or less, stay in line to pay for them and then walk back home. He used to think that the essence of reincarnation lies in human behavior and that the pattern can be discovered by studying a generation of people. So he used to go to public places and lose time observing human behavior, watching at the way people react in different circumstances, the way people take decisions regarding a product or the way people think about God or the church. Then he found out that there is no rule for which one soul will reincarnate in the same family. By studying an old book his grandfather had in the library he found out that the soul isn’t aware of its state when it leaves a body and that it will instantly go into the first body available. Ever since this 'revelation' came, public places became just a place here he could not think straight or a place where he used to waste time with his girlfriend. “I wonder what is she doing...”. David knew that she loves him and that she thinks that no other boy in the world could make her feel happier but the way she was sometimes treating him was just awful. David was the type of guy that would offer his entire affection, energy, money, health, his everything to the person he loved, in exchange demanding at least communication. His past relationships were nothing like what he was searching for and that could be a reason for which he ended them after a short period of time. Nevertheless while they lasted he used to give his best in making it work thinking that eventually it will all worth the fuss. Obviously it didn’t and just the thought that he lost so much time and energy for nothing was making him feel angrier than ever. “I will never be able to understand why girls say there’s nothing wrong with them when obviously something is! Nevertheless we are supposed to keep asking because they love the attention but we will never be appreciated for this. Again, in a moment of complete rage all of this “there’s nothing wrong” moments will pop out and a huge fight will take birth. Strange beings they are...” but he also realized that loneliness is a lot worse. “You can’t live with them, you can’t live without them. Ain’t that some bullshit!”
Deep in his thoughts he didn’t even see that approaching car as he was crossing the street. A loud horn woke him up back to reality and he had to command his legs to move as fast as they can to avoid the impact. “Screw you stupid driver! I am allowed to cross through here, moron!” but the car didn’t stop. He could see the supermarket now thus his mind went straight to time: “Ah, damn it! Another 20 minutes of my life I’m never getting back!”. He was studying reincarnation with a lot of passion but this obsession gave birth to another one: the obsession with time. David became aware of this after a few months he took the decision to find how he could know in which family he would reincarnate after death. At first he thought that his cause is childish for he will never have enough time to achieve his goal. “This will take more than a lifetime, maybe an entire Eon!” he used to say when he was coming to a dead end. “Hurry up David, hurry up! There’s no time!” a female voice was shouting in his head whenever this situation was happening. He had no idea why it was a female voice and whom did it belong to. It wasn’t his mother, it wasn’t one of his ex girlfriends or his current one and he had never met his grandmother. "There's no time you say? I will show you there is time!" he was always shouting deep inside of him.
He entered the supermarket’s parking lot looking at all the cars parked there. Most of them fancy cars, a few of them regular cars probably owned by regular hard working people. “Aw man, give me one of those fancy cars and I would have money for my research! I’d sell it without second thoughts, I’d let somebody else abuse mother earth. I will never get it why people are so obsessed with technology and finding better ways of exploiting the earth. You dumbasses, God gave fire, sun, two legs and two arms and our ancestors were able to live without cars or plains! There are much more important and bigger things in life...”. From there the rage embraced his heart. A small and mild rage but it made him forget about everything else and he woke up at home.
-Here you go mum, I wasted exactly 1 hour and 18 minutes of today for these groceries...
-Ya, but you won some money darling. You will learn eventually how hard money are earned.
-I guess you’re right. Did anyone call? I forgot my phone in the bedroom.
-No idea honey. I didn’t hear a thing.
-I must have let it on silent... He went into his bedroom and pressed a key on the phone. The screen lighted and his eyes grew a lot bigger while his heart started pounding as fast as car engine at 5000 rpms.
To be continued...
In David’s case every single second of his life was as important as the safety of his eyes. Nevertheless when he was working at achieving the one thing that mattered to him time flew just like a bird. He used to do research for 20 hours without even realizing as if he would have lost his touch with reality, as if he would slip into a state of nirvana; finding the rules of reincarnation was what made him feel complete. “You’re chasing a mirage!” friends and parents used to tell him. This was bringing him down from time to time but he knew it won’t be easy when he took the decision in the first place, David knew that such a big thing will require his entire energy and nerves. It wasn’t as if he was the only one chasing this dream, it wasn’t as if he found something amazing that others didn’t realize, the only thing pushing him forward and keeping him on the right track was hard to explain but he could feel it. “If I feel it, there’s no doubts, it’s true!” he convinced himself.
The road to the supermarket was quite long. 20 minutes from sidewalk to sidewalk, crossing two streets and then his destination was waiting. Nevertheless, David always felt it’s a waste of time because nothing useful could’ve been done there. You can only spend your money on things you need more or less, stay in line to pay for them and then walk back home. He used to think that the essence of reincarnation lies in human behavior and that the pattern can be discovered by studying a generation of people. So he used to go to public places and lose time observing human behavior, watching at the way people react in different circumstances, the way people take decisions regarding a product or the way people think about God or the church. Then he found out that there is no rule for which one soul will reincarnate in the same family. By studying an old book his grandfather had in the library he found out that the soul isn’t aware of its state when it leaves a body and that it will instantly go into the first body available. Ever since this 'revelation' came, public places became just a place here he could not think straight or a place where he used to waste time with his girlfriend. “I wonder what is she doing...”. David knew that she loves him and that she thinks that no other boy in the world could make her feel happier but the way she was sometimes treating him was just awful. David was the type of guy that would offer his entire affection, energy, money, health, his everything to the person he loved, in exchange demanding at least communication. His past relationships were nothing like what he was searching for and that could be a reason for which he ended them after a short period of time. Nevertheless while they lasted he used to give his best in making it work thinking that eventually it will all worth the fuss. Obviously it didn’t and just the thought that he lost so much time and energy for nothing was making him feel angrier than ever. “I will never be able to understand why girls say there’s nothing wrong with them when obviously something is! Nevertheless we are supposed to keep asking because they love the attention but we will never be appreciated for this. Again, in a moment of complete rage all of this “there’s nothing wrong” moments will pop out and a huge fight will take birth. Strange beings they are...” but he also realized that loneliness is a lot worse. “You can’t live with them, you can’t live without them. Ain’t that some bullshit!”
Deep in his thoughts he didn’t even see that approaching car as he was crossing the street. A loud horn woke him up back to reality and he had to command his legs to move as fast as they can to avoid the impact. “Screw you stupid driver! I am allowed to cross through here, moron!” but the car didn’t stop. He could see the supermarket now thus his mind went straight to time: “Ah, damn it! Another 20 minutes of my life I’m never getting back!”. He was studying reincarnation with a lot of passion but this obsession gave birth to another one: the obsession with time. David became aware of this after a few months he took the decision to find how he could know in which family he would reincarnate after death. At first he thought that his cause is childish for he will never have enough time to achieve his goal. “This will take more than a lifetime, maybe an entire Eon!” he used to say when he was coming to a dead end. “Hurry up David, hurry up! There’s no time!” a female voice was shouting in his head whenever this situation was happening. He had no idea why it was a female voice and whom did it belong to. It wasn’t his mother, it wasn’t one of his ex girlfriends or his current one and he had never met his grandmother. "There's no time you say? I will show you there is time!" he was always shouting deep inside of him.
He entered the supermarket’s parking lot looking at all the cars parked there. Most of them fancy cars, a few of them regular cars probably owned by regular hard working people. “Aw man, give me one of those fancy cars and I would have money for my research! I’d sell it without second thoughts, I’d let somebody else abuse mother earth. I will never get it why people are so obsessed with technology and finding better ways of exploiting the earth. You dumbasses, God gave fire, sun, two legs and two arms and our ancestors were able to live without cars or plains! There are much more important and bigger things in life...”. From there the rage embraced his heart. A small and mild rage but it made him forget about everything else and he woke up at home.
-Here you go mum, I wasted exactly 1 hour and 18 minutes of today for these groceries...
-Ya, but you won some money darling. You will learn eventually how hard money are earned.
-I guess you’re right. Did anyone call? I forgot my phone in the bedroom.
-No idea honey. I didn’t hear a thing.
-I must have let it on silent... He went into his bedroom and pressed a key on the phone. The screen lighted and his eyes grew a lot bigger while his heart started pounding as fast as car engine at 5000 rpms.
To be continued...
2/06/2011
24 [Episode 2]
-It’s bullshit, I’m sure of it! No way in hell someone would phone me to say that he’s planning to pull off a terrorist attack or something. But still I wonder who the hell did that stupid joke.
-Honey, who are you talking with?
-Sorry mum, I was just talking with myself. What’s up?
-I need you to go out and grab some groceries, I’m not in the mood to get out of the house today. Here’s the list and the money, of course there’s a little extra for yourself just to motivate you to go.
-Awesome... Ya, okay, I will go.
His mother went back to bed and opened the TV. “10.000 Christians screamed their souls out against jews in our contru exactly 115 years ago at this very same hour and in this very same place. This didn’t happen because of religion but more because of the fact that the jews were living a much better, carefree life and while some say the people were driven by pure envy, a few consider that racism was a cause as well. Nevertheless 115 years ago, our country had a dark day which is today commemorated by just a few jews, relatives of the ones that lost their lives that day.” Even thou David heard these words they went right through him without bringing anything to life in his mind. For all he knew, this was just another useless story made by a reporter that had nothing else to talk about.
David got dressed real fast but before walking out the door he went back in his bedroom and took a pair of gloves.
-David, I hope you don’t have your shoes on!
-No mum, I don’t! Then he took a look at his feet and admired his Adidas snickers.
-Okay, hurry up then, I need to prepare supper before your dad gets home from work!
-Ya, ya, ya. I’ll be right back!
Then he opened the door and a strange cold hit his face making him lose his breath for a moment. David froze for a few moments but then closed the door and started climbing down the stairs. When he reached ground level he realized the source of the cold air that just took his breath: the front door had been left open by someone and the -5 degrees outside were slowly going inside the staircase. A strange feeling of going back inside the house embraced his heart. “God, I hate winters so much!”. But he pressed on and walked out. The weather was cloudy, moody and sad, it felt as if nobody would want to go out on a time like this.
David hated winters a lot. The negative temperatures obviously forced him to put on a lot of clothes and the ones thing that he was never able to do was to buy winter clothes. So he was just dressing with all his other clothes: 1 t-shirt, 2 sweaters, 1 blouse and a not so very warmy jacket that he loved to wear during spring or autumn. Summer on the other hand was his favorite time of the year. The days were long and beautiful, warm and full of life. Nights were a little bit colder but he loved to feel chills on his skin as he enjoyed a cold bear with his t-shirt on his shoulders outside with his friends. During summer he used to skip sleeping just to enjoy life. Only 4 or 5 hours of sleep per night were more than enough to get his batteries full so he was going to bed at around 4 in the morning and waking up early at around 8. Then he did his regular stuff like coffee, reading news while waiting for his other friends to wake up. David never really understood why some people loved sleeping so much. First of all one can never have full control over his dreams while asleep and even if David had a lot of nightmares and strange dreams this wasn’t the main reason. He was having just a few hours of sleep because he considered that life shouldn’t be spent in bed, life is meant to be lived and to live it at maximum you need to be awake. Of course, dreaming was another thing he loved at summer. When he was going to the country side or just for a short picnic in the forest he used to separate from the others, find a place with lots of green grass and he used to lay there looking at the sky, dreaming. Dreaming of another life, dreaming of another family, dreaming of money, of love, of superpowers; he loved to lose himself in a fantasy world where everything was more or less perfect. Then the first shout coming from his friends “David, let’s go back home, it’s getting late!” was bringing him back to reality, was hitting him just like a punch in the stomach. He used to take a deep breath, nodded in silence, smiled a bit and got up starting to walk back to the car. All of these things weren’t possible during the winter, one can’t even take a walk during winter without getting his ass frozen. Nevertheless he had a long walk in front of him right now and he was sure that his ass will be frozen when he’ll be back. Moreover even if the temperatures were negative since a few days ago, no snow fell so far so even the dirt felt like concrete when he stepped over it.
A quick look at the watch revealed him how many hours from the day passed: 11:24. “Aw, damn it, it’s almost noon and I haven’t done anything yet! I’d better hurry up!”
To be continued...
-Honey, who are you talking with?
-Sorry mum, I was just talking with myself. What’s up?
-I need you to go out and grab some groceries, I’m not in the mood to get out of the house today. Here’s the list and the money, of course there’s a little extra for yourself just to motivate you to go.
-Awesome... Ya, okay, I will go.
His mother went back to bed and opened the TV. “10.000 Christians screamed their souls out against jews in our contru exactly 115 years ago at this very same hour and in this very same place. This didn’t happen because of religion but more because of the fact that the jews were living a much better, carefree life and while some say the people were driven by pure envy, a few consider that racism was a cause as well. Nevertheless 115 years ago, our country had a dark day which is today commemorated by just a few jews, relatives of the ones that lost their lives that day.” Even thou David heard these words they went right through him without bringing anything to life in his mind. For all he knew, this was just another useless story made by a reporter that had nothing else to talk about.
David got dressed real fast but before walking out the door he went back in his bedroom and took a pair of gloves.
-David, I hope you don’t have your shoes on!
-No mum, I don’t! Then he took a look at his feet and admired his Adidas snickers.
-Okay, hurry up then, I need to prepare supper before your dad gets home from work!
-Ya, ya, ya. I’ll be right back!
Then he opened the door and a strange cold hit his face making him lose his breath for a moment. David froze for a few moments but then closed the door and started climbing down the stairs. When he reached ground level he realized the source of the cold air that just took his breath: the front door had been left open by someone and the -5 degrees outside were slowly going inside the staircase. A strange feeling of going back inside the house embraced his heart. “God, I hate winters so much!”. But he pressed on and walked out. The weather was cloudy, moody and sad, it felt as if nobody would want to go out on a time like this.
David hated winters a lot. The negative temperatures obviously forced him to put on a lot of clothes and the ones thing that he was never able to do was to buy winter clothes. So he was just dressing with all his other clothes: 1 t-shirt, 2 sweaters, 1 blouse and a not so very warmy jacket that he loved to wear during spring or autumn. Summer on the other hand was his favorite time of the year. The days were long and beautiful, warm and full of life. Nights were a little bit colder but he loved to feel chills on his skin as he enjoyed a cold bear with his t-shirt on his shoulders outside with his friends. During summer he used to skip sleeping just to enjoy life. Only 4 or 5 hours of sleep per night were more than enough to get his batteries full so he was going to bed at around 4 in the morning and waking up early at around 8. Then he did his regular stuff like coffee, reading news while waiting for his other friends to wake up. David never really understood why some people loved sleeping so much. First of all one can never have full control over his dreams while asleep and even if David had a lot of nightmares and strange dreams this wasn’t the main reason. He was having just a few hours of sleep because he considered that life shouldn’t be spent in bed, life is meant to be lived and to live it at maximum you need to be awake. Of course, dreaming was another thing he loved at summer. When he was going to the country side or just for a short picnic in the forest he used to separate from the others, find a place with lots of green grass and he used to lay there looking at the sky, dreaming. Dreaming of another life, dreaming of another family, dreaming of money, of love, of superpowers; he loved to lose himself in a fantasy world where everything was more or less perfect. Then the first shout coming from his friends “David, let’s go back home, it’s getting late!” was bringing him back to reality, was hitting him just like a punch in the stomach. He used to take a deep breath, nodded in silence, smiled a bit and got up starting to walk back to the car. All of these things weren’t possible during the winter, one can’t even take a walk during winter without getting his ass frozen. Nevertheless he had a long walk in front of him right now and he was sure that his ass will be frozen when he’ll be back. Moreover even if the temperatures were negative since a few days ago, no snow fell so far so even the dirt felt like concrete when he stepped over it.
A quick look at the watch revealed him how many hours from the day passed: 11:24. “Aw, damn it, it’s almost noon and I haven’t done anything yet! I’d better hurry up!”
To be continued...
1/30/2011
24 [Episode 1]
7 A.M. the phone starts to sing a crazy punk song ment to make people jump and bang their heads like animals. David opens his eyes a little bit confused and then searches for his phone on the bedside, picks it up and stares at the display for a couple of seconds. It was a hidden ID phone-call and the hour made it even stranger. He decided to pick up anyway:
-Ya.
-Souls are needed today.
And then silence. David just froze with his phone close to his ear speechless.
-Who is this and why are you calling this early in the morning?
-Are you up for it?
-Up for what? You’re making no sense at all...
-God doesn’t care about you! Do the right thing!
The conversation ended there. David took another look at the phone, busy trying to figure out who could do such stupid jokes so early in the morning. He entered the phonebook and scrolled down to one of his friends’ number and hit dial. It rang for like 10 seconds and then a hoarse voice answered:
-What?
-Don’t “what” me! Why the hell are you in the mood for jokes like this at freaking 7 in the morning?
-David, I am sleeping. Was and to be honest still am. If you are trying to challenge me with a riddle this is not the time. I’m going to hang up now and get back to sleep. Bye!
Confusion was the word anyone could read off David’s forehead. Obviously the one that called him wasn’t his friend, their voices were nothing alike. “Such a terrible way to wake up and God, I am so hungry!” he said in his mind and then got out of bed to find out that his room was awfully cold. He got dressed real fast and as the cold clothes touched his skin he started to shiver. With his eyes completely opened he went to the kitchen and drank some water to ease the pain in his throat. Then he started his daily routine: coffee, breakfast, reading the news on the internet with a big focus on what new movies were released. Without realizing he lost himself through web-pages and when he decided to take a look at the clock it was already 10 A.M.
-Damn, time’s flying so fast!
He picked up his phone and dialed his girlfriend’s number. She answered really fast:
-Good morning David!
-Hey honey! How are you?
-Just woke up, my head kinda hurts. You?
-Just fine. I woke up like 3 hours ago... Actually somebody woke me up. I got a strange phone-call from a hidden ID number telling me that I don’t know how many souls are needed today and that God doesn’t care about me. Haha! It must have been a crack-head or one of my friends was in the mood for stupid jokes.
-Ha! Well, at least your day started off with a bang!
-Not exactly what I had in mind but I guess you can say that. Honey, I dreamed about you last night!
-Really? What exactly?
-We were in a strange place that seemed familiar in some way thou I can’t picture it now. Anyway, you were begging me to stay and even thou I was screaming my lungs off that I am not going anywhere you just kept on crying and begging. Then you just disappeared and strangely my grandfather was right behind me saying that I did the right thing. And I was like “But I didn’t do anything!”. Really weird!
-Weird indeed... Have you ever dreamed about your grandfather before?
-Yes, lately he comes in my dreams almost every night. I have no idea why this is happening considering the fact that when I met him he was old and in the dreams he looks just like 30 years old and seems to always carry a sword with him. If I give it a better thought... Damn! Last night the sword was stained with blood...
-If only I had your dreams! I again dreamed about the exams and me failing them. Nightmare after nightmare...
-Aw, honey, calm down it’s just your mind letting you know that you fear failure. To be honest if you dream about the exams so much it means that they mean a lot to you and that you want to pass them no matter what!
-I guess so. Listen, David...
“Souls are needed... Why does this sound familiar?” While his mind was flying through other place his girlfriend didn’t stop talking.
-So? What do you say?
-Yes! I mean... What? Sorry I was thinking about something else.
-Oh God! I said let’s go to the cathedral later today, I feel the need to pray a bit!
-Sure thing honey! Now get your pretty ass off the bed and start your day! Call me when you’re ready so we can meet.
-Okay, love you!
-Love you too, bye!
David just kept on staring at the phone without knowing what to do next. Everything around him seemed to disappear in that moment and he felt a strange emotion that he couldn’t explain, like he had to do something today but couldn’t remember exactly what. The date was 12 December, nothing important, nothing noticeable, just another Saturday with no school and no plans. Except, of course, going to the cathedral with his girlfriend so that she can pray a bit to pass her exams. Nevertheless, David couldn’t understand why she’s making such a big fuss about the exams since they are at the end of January.
Faculty was important to him as well but he never gave it as much importance as his higher purpose to find a rule or a pattern that could explain reincarnation or how and where the soul is after the body stops supporting it. In the past few years he became so obsessed about it that he felt like a weirdo and decided to hide this thing from the others. Not even his mum or his girlfriend knew about his strange hobby, only his dead grandfather. David used to talk with him in his dreams and even if this made no sense at all he simply loved it. It was his only method of easing the pressure that would gather in his mind whenever he came to a dead end. In his dreams his grandfather, with a sword in his right arm, was always guiding him with new information and hints and even if they weren’t always clear or meaningful, they were enough to keep David going on his goal. “Death is only the beginning isn’t just a saying, I’m sure of it! There must be something I can’t figure out at the moment, there must be something hidden somewhere!”
-Ah, yes! “Victim souls are needed” this was the sentence! Now, where have I read it?
David opened his internet browser and googled the phrase. Way too many results appeared but by doing a quick filter he found what he was looking for. “So the balance must be kept. Awesome, now this is useful!”. Then he remembered something else, he read earlier today that at the local maternity 24 children were born today, which was an all-time record for his small town. Again confusion filled his mind and he started to stare at the monitor without thinking anything. “Does this mean that people are supposed to die today?”
To be continued...
-Ya.
-Souls are needed today.
And then silence. David just froze with his phone close to his ear speechless.
-Who is this and why are you calling this early in the morning?
-Are you up for it?
-Up for what? You’re making no sense at all...
-God doesn’t care about you! Do the right thing!
The conversation ended there. David took another look at the phone, busy trying to figure out who could do such stupid jokes so early in the morning. He entered the phonebook and scrolled down to one of his friends’ number and hit dial. It rang for like 10 seconds and then a hoarse voice answered:
-What?
-Don’t “what” me! Why the hell are you in the mood for jokes like this at freaking 7 in the morning?
-David, I am sleeping. Was and to be honest still am. If you are trying to challenge me with a riddle this is not the time. I’m going to hang up now and get back to sleep. Bye!
Confusion was the word anyone could read off David’s forehead. Obviously the one that called him wasn’t his friend, their voices were nothing alike. “Such a terrible way to wake up and God, I am so hungry!” he said in his mind and then got out of bed to find out that his room was awfully cold. He got dressed real fast and as the cold clothes touched his skin he started to shiver. With his eyes completely opened he went to the kitchen and drank some water to ease the pain in his throat. Then he started his daily routine: coffee, breakfast, reading the news on the internet with a big focus on what new movies were released. Without realizing he lost himself through web-pages and when he decided to take a look at the clock it was already 10 A.M.
-Damn, time’s flying so fast!
He picked up his phone and dialed his girlfriend’s number. She answered really fast:
-Good morning David!
-Hey honey! How are you?
-Just woke up, my head kinda hurts. You?
-Just fine. I woke up like 3 hours ago... Actually somebody woke me up. I got a strange phone-call from a hidden ID number telling me that I don’t know how many souls are needed today and that God doesn’t care about me. Haha! It must have been a crack-head or one of my friends was in the mood for stupid jokes.
-Ha! Well, at least your day started off with a bang!
-Not exactly what I had in mind but I guess you can say that. Honey, I dreamed about you last night!
-Really? What exactly?
-We were in a strange place that seemed familiar in some way thou I can’t picture it now. Anyway, you were begging me to stay and even thou I was screaming my lungs off that I am not going anywhere you just kept on crying and begging. Then you just disappeared and strangely my grandfather was right behind me saying that I did the right thing. And I was like “But I didn’t do anything!”. Really weird!
-Weird indeed... Have you ever dreamed about your grandfather before?
-Yes, lately he comes in my dreams almost every night. I have no idea why this is happening considering the fact that when I met him he was old and in the dreams he looks just like 30 years old and seems to always carry a sword with him. If I give it a better thought... Damn! Last night the sword was stained with blood...
-If only I had your dreams! I again dreamed about the exams and me failing them. Nightmare after nightmare...
-Aw, honey, calm down it’s just your mind letting you know that you fear failure. To be honest if you dream about the exams so much it means that they mean a lot to you and that you want to pass them no matter what!
-I guess so. Listen, David...
“Souls are needed... Why does this sound familiar?” While his mind was flying through other place his girlfriend didn’t stop talking.
-So? What do you say?
-Yes! I mean... What? Sorry I was thinking about something else.
-Oh God! I said let’s go to the cathedral later today, I feel the need to pray a bit!
-Sure thing honey! Now get your pretty ass off the bed and start your day! Call me when you’re ready so we can meet.
-Okay, love you!
-Love you too, bye!
David just kept on staring at the phone without knowing what to do next. Everything around him seemed to disappear in that moment and he felt a strange emotion that he couldn’t explain, like he had to do something today but couldn’t remember exactly what. The date was 12 December, nothing important, nothing noticeable, just another Saturday with no school and no plans. Except, of course, going to the cathedral with his girlfriend so that she can pray a bit to pass her exams. Nevertheless, David couldn’t understand why she’s making such a big fuss about the exams since they are at the end of January.
Faculty was important to him as well but he never gave it as much importance as his higher purpose to find a rule or a pattern that could explain reincarnation or how and where the soul is after the body stops supporting it. In the past few years he became so obsessed about it that he felt like a weirdo and decided to hide this thing from the others. Not even his mum or his girlfriend knew about his strange hobby, only his dead grandfather. David used to talk with him in his dreams and even if this made no sense at all he simply loved it. It was his only method of easing the pressure that would gather in his mind whenever he came to a dead end. In his dreams his grandfather, with a sword in his right arm, was always guiding him with new information and hints and even if they weren’t always clear or meaningful, they were enough to keep David going on his goal. “Death is only the beginning isn’t just a saying, I’m sure of it! There must be something I can’t figure out at the moment, there must be something hidden somewhere!”
-Ah, yes! “Victim souls are needed” this was the sentence! Now, where have I read it?
David opened his internet browser and googled the phrase. Way too many results appeared but by doing a quick filter he found what he was looking for. “So the balance must be kept. Awesome, now this is useful!”. Then he remembered something else, he read earlier today that at the local maternity 24 children were born today, which was an all-time record for his small town. Again confusion filled his mind and he started to stare at the monitor without thinking anything. “Does this mean that people are supposed to die today?”
To be continued...
1/27/2011
24
7 billion souls united by only 1 thing, only 1 supreme fact that makes us all the same, brings us closer, makes us brothers and sisters. It’s not material at all, you cannot touch it, neither see it, smell it or taste it. Its beauty and lies in its perfection and simplicity. It’s one of the reasons for which people die or do amazing things, surprise the world in a positive or negative way. While some people find it ever since the moment their mind starts to work others feel the need to search through time, feel the need to find plausible reasons and facts. While some deny its existence and refuse its truth and beauty they are just confused because in the end everybody turns to faith. As human beings we have a undeniable need to believe in something bigger, something beyond our imagination, something that has the power to dictate the way we live, the power to forgive the bad things we do and the power to offer us continuity after death.
There is also quite a bunch of people that instead of accepting faith they proclaim themselves non-believers saying that there is absolutely nothing up there except for the blue sky and human imagination. David thinks this is denial, he believes that you don’t necessary have to prove your faith in order for it to bless miracles upon your existence, you simply need to accept it. He doesn’t consider himself a true believer but he embraced everything that faith means: God, the church and last but not least the Holly Bible. David read the book last summer and even thou at first he simply hated the style of the writings later on he found something buried deep in the meanings of the book. He actually found more meanings as if the book offers its readers an opportunity to choose their faith, as in religion isn’t so strict with tons of rules and traditions that need to be followed without mistakes.
At 21 he’s nor young, nor mature, nor a genius, nor stupid. He likes to think about himself as a person that’s been through a lot and the fact that he is still alive and kicking made him stronger. School has never been his thing and while his parents constantly tell him that only with education and brains he’ll achieve something in life, David likes to think that brains are inherited, not taught by others. Daily when he walks out his flat he prays to God “Please, let it be a good day full with accomplishments!” even if he realizes that God can’t listen to his prayers. His blue eyes shine brighter than fire when he’s mad or when he feels like he’s up to something that might have a huge impact in this world and while he feels something strange inside, like a voice telling him that he’s destined to achieve great things, David never had the guts to speak up his mind or to get an active role in his society. He’s just one of the “Let me be and I’ll let you be.” persons that love the comfort of their regular activities and love things plain simple. He dresses accordingly to the music he listens to, he eats whatever the fridge contains without thinking about health or calories, he drinks when he’s out with his friends if they all do the same thing, he always finds more important things when talking about studying. Although he wants to be extraordinary, absolutely everything in his life is ordinary.
Or maybe not... David found out one of the most intriguing facts that ever came to his ears. His grandfather, who had passed away 3 years ago, was born on 24.12.1922. He found a strange coincidence in the fact that his grandpa was a priest, a holly man, as his parents described him: 24 has so many meanings that even with a simple Google search tons of web-pages appear. Also 12 is half of 24 and it symbolizes as many different things as 24. Last but not least the year 1922, even nothing really important happened during it, if you sum up 1+9+2+2 you get 24 and you go back from the start. So it’s all a cyclic action as David concluded later on and while his conscience dictates him that he’s a bit crazy, he likes to convince himself that life after death exists and that reincarnation is really possible. He didn’t yet find out how or under what conditions it can be brought to reality but it’s obviously that this has become his greatest purpose in life.
Thus he studies the Bible, old writings not related to Christianity, Occult Arts, symbolism and last but not least fantasy. Lots and lots of fantasy only to reach the conclusion that behind every legend and unbelievable story there is a little truth, that at a certain point in time something so radical and amazing happened that generations after still want to talk about it.
Even thou he has many great things destined these will be the last 24 hours of his life, this is how all will end for him, this is how he’ll lose his faith and realize something much more important, this is how David will pass to eternity.
There is also quite a bunch of people that instead of accepting faith they proclaim themselves non-believers saying that there is absolutely nothing up there except for the blue sky and human imagination. David thinks this is denial, he believes that you don’t necessary have to prove your faith in order for it to bless miracles upon your existence, you simply need to accept it. He doesn’t consider himself a true believer but he embraced everything that faith means: God, the church and last but not least the Holly Bible. David read the book last summer and even thou at first he simply hated the style of the writings later on he found something buried deep in the meanings of the book. He actually found more meanings as if the book offers its readers an opportunity to choose their faith, as in religion isn’t so strict with tons of rules and traditions that need to be followed without mistakes.
At 21 he’s nor young, nor mature, nor a genius, nor stupid. He likes to think about himself as a person that’s been through a lot and the fact that he is still alive and kicking made him stronger. School has never been his thing and while his parents constantly tell him that only with education and brains he’ll achieve something in life, David likes to think that brains are inherited, not taught by others. Daily when he walks out his flat he prays to God “Please, let it be a good day full with accomplishments!” even if he realizes that God can’t listen to his prayers. His blue eyes shine brighter than fire when he’s mad or when he feels like he’s up to something that might have a huge impact in this world and while he feels something strange inside, like a voice telling him that he’s destined to achieve great things, David never had the guts to speak up his mind or to get an active role in his society. He’s just one of the “Let me be and I’ll let you be.” persons that love the comfort of their regular activities and love things plain simple. He dresses accordingly to the music he listens to, he eats whatever the fridge contains without thinking about health or calories, he drinks when he’s out with his friends if they all do the same thing, he always finds more important things when talking about studying. Although he wants to be extraordinary, absolutely everything in his life is ordinary.
Or maybe not... David found out one of the most intriguing facts that ever came to his ears. His grandfather, who had passed away 3 years ago, was born on 24.12.1922. He found a strange coincidence in the fact that his grandpa was a priest, a holly man, as his parents described him: 24 has so many meanings that even with a simple Google search tons of web-pages appear. Also 12 is half of 24 and it symbolizes as many different things as 24. Last but not least the year 1922, even nothing really important happened during it, if you sum up 1+9+2+2 you get 24 and you go back from the start. So it’s all a cyclic action as David concluded later on and while his conscience dictates him that he’s a bit crazy, he likes to convince himself that life after death exists and that reincarnation is really possible. He didn’t yet find out how or under what conditions it can be brought to reality but it’s obviously that this has become his greatest purpose in life.
Thus he studies the Bible, old writings not related to Christianity, Occult Arts, symbolism and last but not least fantasy. Lots and lots of fantasy only to reach the conclusion that behind every legend and unbelievable story there is a little truth, that at a certain point in time something so radical and amazing happened that generations after still want to talk about it.
Even thou he has many great things destined these will be the last 24 hours of his life, this is how all will end for him, this is how he’ll lose his faith and realize something much more important, this is how David will pass to eternity.
1/19/2011
Failed attempts at living simple life[last part]
I try and I try and I try again. Bottom line is I will never stop trying. I know it is said that trying is not enough, I know that you should give your best, that you should put passion in everything, that you should do every single thing, even the simplest things, extraordinary. I know you shouldn’t do things for the sake of it, just to get it done but... This will be the end of my story and God, I realize now that I am writing it on imaginary toilet paper!
Daria’s death was the biggest and toughest shock I had in my life. I could feel my heart crying, my soul toss and turning deep inside of me and I could feel my eyes wetter than the ocean. I couldn’t cry at her funeral, not a single tear. Only now I realize that I was filled with rage, not pain. Rage, one of the purest and most strange states of mind, it can give you superhuman strength, it can make you blind, it can make you evil, it can make your brain process everything 10 times faster, it can suppress pain. After the funeral I came back home with Sandra, without saying a single word. We had dinner in complete silence and then went in our rooms. I turned on the TV and started navigating through channels without looking for anything special. My mind was empty like it never had before. Every single stupid thought was disappearing a moment away from birth, everything was turning into darkness. At 3 in the morning I felt something strange, something I couldn’t explain.
I got out of my bed and went for some fresh air on the balcony. I felt it invading my lungs and tearing them apart because it was the coldest air I ever felt. I climbed up on the railing in front of me without thinking at the 30 meters distance ‘till the sidewalk, I spread my hands up high and took another deep breath of air.
I still don’t know what happened after that even thou I heard stories. You know, the nurses here are women and they talk, they talk more than they should sometimes but I guess it’s in their nature. I am the youngest patient here and of course, I don’t belong in this place. My room is 103 and there’s nobody else, except the nurses, at this floor. Anyway, during the night, when even the nurses go to their rooms at the second floor I am embraced by the silence, darkness and loneliness, time when I can think clear. Also the drugs fade away so my mind works perfectly. “He was screaming he is godsend on earth, he was smiling. Everybody thought he’ll jump down eventually but after 10 minutes of screaming he went back inside and killed the woman that took care of him. We have to keep him sedated, there’s no telling what he might do... “ one of the nurses said when I was brought here. I am 100% sure I haven’t killed Sandra... I mean, I had the power to forgive her and I was feeling better with her. “He chopped her head off ‘till the police broke the door and went inside. He was sitting near her beheaded corps hugging her and crying while her head was sitting like a trophy on the bedroom table. There’s a monster behind those green eyes and calm face.” she continued.
Did I crack? Is it just a bad dream from which I can’t wake up? I want to meet my parents really bad, it’s the only thing that matters to me at the moment. Of course, they both died when I was born so that’s why I’ll never stop trying. I often get out of bed, during the night of course, because during the day I am tied down and under drugs, go out the doors and look through the bars on the wall in front of my room. “Dead or alive, we will be together!” these are the words written there. I can’t exactly tell if they’re written with blood but I like to think so. I am sure they were written at rage and that’s why I believe in them, that’s why they became my motto. The guy that wrote them absolutely felt it and I like to think that if you feel it, it’s true, no matter what that thing is.
I’ve gathered 7 shoe-laces ‘till now. I need 7 more and I can meet my parents... Pray for me if you read my story because no matter what i did or did not do, god knows i tried to be just like you: normal, simple, beautiful, smart, loved!
The end.
Daria’s death was the biggest and toughest shock I had in my life. I could feel my heart crying, my soul toss and turning deep inside of me and I could feel my eyes wetter than the ocean. I couldn’t cry at her funeral, not a single tear. Only now I realize that I was filled with rage, not pain. Rage, one of the purest and most strange states of mind, it can give you superhuman strength, it can make you blind, it can make you evil, it can make your brain process everything 10 times faster, it can suppress pain. After the funeral I came back home with Sandra, without saying a single word. We had dinner in complete silence and then went in our rooms. I turned on the TV and started navigating through channels without looking for anything special. My mind was empty like it never had before. Every single stupid thought was disappearing a moment away from birth, everything was turning into darkness. At 3 in the morning I felt something strange, something I couldn’t explain.
I got out of my bed and went for some fresh air on the balcony. I felt it invading my lungs and tearing them apart because it was the coldest air I ever felt. I climbed up on the railing in front of me without thinking at the 30 meters distance ‘till the sidewalk, I spread my hands up high and took another deep breath of air.
I still don’t know what happened after that even thou I heard stories. You know, the nurses here are women and they talk, they talk more than they should sometimes but I guess it’s in their nature. I am the youngest patient here and of course, I don’t belong in this place. My room is 103 and there’s nobody else, except the nurses, at this floor. Anyway, during the night, when even the nurses go to their rooms at the second floor I am embraced by the silence, darkness and loneliness, time when I can think clear. Also the drugs fade away so my mind works perfectly. “He was screaming he is godsend on earth, he was smiling. Everybody thought he’ll jump down eventually but after 10 minutes of screaming he went back inside and killed the woman that took care of him. We have to keep him sedated, there’s no telling what he might do... “ one of the nurses said when I was brought here. I am 100% sure I haven’t killed Sandra... I mean, I had the power to forgive her and I was feeling better with her. “He chopped her head off ‘till the police broke the door and went inside. He was sitting near her beheaded corps hugging her and crying while her head was sitting like a trophy on the bedroom table. There’s a monster behind those green eyes and calm face.” she continued.
Did I crack? Is it just a bad dream from which I can’t wake up? I want to meet my parents really bad, it’s the only thing that matters to me at the moment. Of course, they both died when I was born so that’s why I’ll never stop trying. I often get out of bed, during the night of course, because during the day I am tied down and under drugs, go out the doors and look through the bars on the wall in front of my room. “Dead or alive, we will be together!” these are the words written there. I can’t exactly tell if they’re written with blood but I like to think so. I am sure they were written at rage and that’s why I believe in them, that’s why they became my motto. The guy that wrote them absolutely felt it and I like to think that if you feel it, it’s true, no matter what that thing is.
I’ve gathered 7 shoe-laces ‘till now. I need 7 more and I can meet my parents... Pray for me if you read my story because no matter what i did or did not do, god knows i tried to be just like you: normal, simple, beautiful, smart, loved!
The end.
1/08/2011
Failed attempts at living simple life[part 10]
I don’t know what love really is. I’ve never experienced true love and I’m 22 for Christ sake! Ask me now to write an essay about love and I’ll start with “Love is...” and finish 190 pages later with “... something like this.” without writing anything else. I had my first crush on a girl many years ago and ever since that crap happened I couldn’t fall “in love” with another person. I just can’t trust anyone except myself... When I think about this, it may be the reason I got where I am at the moment.
School went by me pretty fast. High grades at history, good grades at the others as well, my final was successful and then I went to high-school. I really can’t remember much about this episode of my life, there’s really nothing to mention. Different class mates, different teachers, I was a weirdo most of the time so nobody quite enjoyed talking to me, no friends, nothing. I haven’t even heard anything about Adi in those 4 years. I was back where I started from: loneliness. It sucked pretty bad to be honest... Actually it sucked so bad that I even gave up on history and started watching a lot of TV, started listening to music and other crappy stuff, instead of reading like I used to. I also started smoking while in high-school. I saw everybody quite happy while smoking so I thought I’d give it a try as well and I have to admit it’s pretty cool. At first I was experiencing a warm dizziness and it was new for me. Obviously I didn’t always have money for smokes, moments when I was irritated by everything around me, even by the birds. I was getting addicted, I knew, but I couldn’t stop for a second and say “Alexander, smokes suck, they really do! You’ll die faster and spend a lot of money on basically nothing at all, you’re going down the same road many did and that road ends with loneliness.”
If it all comes down to the quiet in the end, why not enjoying the noise ‘till then?! Life is already a bitch and it keeps reminding me how cursed I am so why not enjoying the little things while I still can?
I was in the 12th grade when finally a good thing happened to me. Sandra received a phone call one day – oh, I forgot to mention one important detail: she gave up on drinking and bringing home strangers and drunks. Apparently she accepted the idea of being alone for the rest of her life so she is treating me a little bit better as well because as far as I know, I’m the only person she has at the moment, the only person that will have lunch or dinner with her, the only person that will listen to her even if I don’t care what she’s talking about. I figured one thing: revenge and hatred come easy but to be able to forgive a person that treated you so bad requires tons of guts and power. And I am a powerful boy, I do hold the power to be extraordinary so why not forgive her?! Anyway, I was saying about the phone call. I have a grandmother! A relative! Her blood flows through my veins and better yet, I could find out how my parents were like.
Happy-happy, joy-joy! Well, think again! C’mon Alexander, haven’t you learn you’re destined to misery?!
I went the next day to meet my grandmother. Woke up early in the morning with my heart pumping out of my chest, with strange butterflies in my stomach and with the energy of a cheetah going in for the kill on an uber fast gazelle. Sandra wanted to come along with me even thou I didn’t really want that. We took a bus and went to an old people place. Except the nurses, nobody else had less than 70 years so you could consider it was the last ‘home’ for most of them. Anyway, one of the nurses said we will find my grandmother in room 308 but that we should wait until 4 in the afternoon, when she’ll be awake. “Well, sure, no problem! I just hope my heart won’t make its way out of my chest until then.” We went for a coffee, a really long coffee, but at least we had smokes. The strange part was that Sandra’s eyes were filled with worries and that we didn’t talk about anything for five long hours, not even a word. When the time came we went back to the place where my grandma was ‘living’. I was moving so fast that I had to slap myself when Sandra told me to slow down. We climbed up to the 3rd floor of the building and looking around I could sense the silence, the calm surrounding the place. I guess for most of the people this is really a good place to spend their last years of life, to make the transition to the eternal silence.
On the door there was only 1 name written although there was room for 2 more: Alexandra Daria. “That’s her name! I’m named after her!” I wanted to knock but Sandra hold me and she just opened the door. Inside the smell was quite awful, like that room was staying closed all day long, like air refused to enter, the curtains were pulled so it was dark as well.
-I wonder if she’s awake… Sandra said.
-Alexander?!
“I skipped a heartbeat and chills climbed up my spine reaching my heart and making it beat like faster than I ever felt! She knows me! I can’t believe she was waiting for me all of this time! Can this be happiness I’m feeling right now?”
-Yes grandma, it’s me! I am so happy to see you!
-No, you’re not Alexander, go away! She replied.
“What the hell?”
-I am, I am your grandson!
-I don’t have a grandson you stupid boy! My son, Alexander... I haven’t seen him in a long, long time and I need to see him before...
“I am named after my father then or maybe he was named after her and that would mean... Bah, I’m loosing myself in stupid details!”
-Before he died, he was married. Do you know with who and what was her name?
-No. Daria said crushing all my joy.
-Uhm... What about Alexander, your son, how was he?
-It doesn’t matter.
-It matters to me! I am his son and I never had the chance to meet him! I don’t even have a photo of him!
-Listen kiddo, my son was never married and he had no son. I don’t know who you think I am and I don’t care who you are. So get out of my room or return with my Alexander. In case you cannot find him, write him a letter and tell him where I stay, that I’m dying and that I want to see him for one last time.
-Your son, Alexander died almost 18 years ago. Sandra said.
Then it was silence. The same silence you can experience in the deepest point of a cave. We all turned into stone statues and nobody was making a noise...
-Let’s go Alexander, she’s obviously insane.
-Hell no Sandra! She’s my only chance to find out who I really am, I won’t give up without an answer! Daria, listen to me! My name is Alexander and I have almost 18 years old. At my birth both of my parents died so I never got the chance to meet them or to see how they looked like. Please, it is really important for me to know some details about my father. It would make me happy, it would give me reasons to continue with this struggle called life, it would give me reasons to fight for something better and hopefully it would give me a role model to look up to. So please, look at me and tell me how my father was like!
Still nothing, not even a sound.
-Daria, look at me! I raised my voice. Grandma! I reached my hand out for her shoulder to turn her facing me. I grabbed her and pulled gently and she turned. Her eyes were closed and her mouth was open, open in a strange way. I felt Sandra making a weird face and putting her hand over her mouth and then she grabbed my shoulder for a second. In the next second she was out on the hall screaming loudly:
-Nurse! Nurse, come quick!
Daria was dead.
To be continued...
School went by me pretty fast. High grades at history, good grades at the others as well, my final was successful and then I went to high-school. I really can’t remember much about this episode of my life, there’s really nothing to mention. Different class mates, different teachers, I was a weirdo most of the time so nobody quite enjoyed talking to me, no friends, nothing. I haven’t even heard anything about Adi in those 4 years. I was back where I started from: loneliness. It sucked pretty bad to be honest... Actually it sucked so bad that I even gave up on history and started watching a lot of TV, started listening to music and other crappy stuff, instead of reading like I used to. I also started smoking while in high-school. I saw everybody quite happy while smoking so I thought I’d give it a try as well and I have to admit it’s pretty cool. At first I was experiencing a warm dizziness and it was new for me. Obviously I didn’t always have money for smokes, moments when I was irritated by everything around me, even by the birds. I was getting addicted, I knew, but I couldn’t stop for a second and say “Alexander, smokes suck, they really do! You’ll die faster and spend a lot of money on basically nothing at all, you’re going down the same road many did and that road ends with loneliness.”
If it all comes down to the quiet in the end, why not enjoying the noise ‘till then?! Life is already a bitch and it keeps reminding me how cursed I am so why not enjoying the little things while I still can?
I was in the 12th grade when finally a good thing happened to me. Sandra received a phone call one day – oh, I forgot to mention one important detail: she gave up on drinking and bringing home strangers and drunks. Apparently she accepted the idea of being alone for the rest of her life so she is treating me a little bit better as well because as far as I know, I’m the only person she has at the moment, the only person that will have lunch or dinner with her, the only person that will listen to her even if I don’t care what she’s talking about. I figured one thing: revenge and hatred come easy but to be able to forgive a person that treated you so bad requires tons of guts and power. And I am a powerful boy, I do hold the power to be extraordinary so why not forgive her?! Anyway, I was saying about the phone call. I have a grandmother! A relative! Her blood flows through my veins and better yet, I could find out how my parents were like.
Happy-happy, joy-joy! Well, think again! C’mon Alexander, haven’t you learn you’re destined to misery?!
I went the next day to meet my grandmother. Woke up early in the morning with my heart pumping out of my chest, with strange butterflies in my stomach and with the energy of a cheetah going in for the kill on an uber fast gazelle. Sandra wanted to come along with me even thou I didn’t really want that. We took a bus and went to an old people place. Except the nurses, nobody else had less than 70 years so you could consider it was the last ‘home’ for most of them. Anyway, one of the nurses said we will find my grandmother in room 308 but that we should wait until 4 in the afternoon, when she’ll be awake. “Well, sure, no problem! I just hope my heart won’t make its way out of my chest until then.” We went for a coffee, a really long coffee, but at least we had smokes. The strange part was that Sandra’s eyes were filled with worries and that we didn’t talk about anything for five long hours, not even a word. When the time came we went back to the place where my grandma was ‘living’. I was moving so fast that I had to slap myself when Sandra told me to slow down. We climbed up to the 3rd floor of the building and looking around I could sense the silence, the calm surrounding the place. I guess for most of the people this is really a good place to spend their last years of life, to make the transition to the eternal silence.
On the door there was only 1 name written although there was room for 2 more: Alexandra Daria. “That’s her name! I’m named after her!” I wanted to knock but Sandra hold me and she just opened the door. Inside the smell was quite awful, like that room was staying closed all day long, like air refused to enter, the curtains were pulled so it was dark as well.
-I wonder if she’s awake… Sandra said.
-Alexander?!
“I skipped a heartbeat and chills climbed up my spine reaching my heart and making it beat like faster than I ever felt! She knows me! I can’t believe she was waiting for me all of this time! Can this be happiness I’m feeling right now?”
-Yes grandma, it’s me! I am so happy to see you!
-No, you’re not Alexander, go away! She replied.
“What the hell?”
-I am, I am your grandson!
-I don’t have a grandson you stupid boy! My son, Alexander... I haven’t seen him in a long, long time and I need to see him before...
“I am named after my father then or maybe he was named after her and that would mean... Bah, I’m loosing myself in stupid details!”
-Before he died, he was married. Do you know with who and what was her name?
-No. Daria said crushing all my joy.
-Uhm... What about Alexander, your son, how was he?
-It doesn’t matter.
-It matters to me! I am his son and I never had the chance to meet him! I don’t even have a photo of him!
-Listen kiddo, my son was never married and he had no son. I don’t know who you think I am and I don’t care who you are. So get out of my room or return with my Alexander. In case you cannot find him, write him a letter and tell him where I stay, that I’m dying and that I want to see him for one last time.
-Your son, Alexander died almost 18 years ago. Sandra said.
Then it was silence. The same silence you can experience in the deepest point of a cave. We all turned into stone statues and nobody was making a noise...
-Let’s go Alexander, she’s obviously insane.
-Hell no Sandra! She’s my only chance to find out who I really am, I won’t give up without an answer! Daria, listen to me! My name is Alexander and I have almost 18 years old. At my birth both of my parents died so I never got the chance to meet them or to see how they looked like. Please, it is really important for me to know some details about my father. It would make me happy, it would give me reasons to continue with this struggle called life, it would give me reasons to fight for something better and hopefully it would give me a role model to look up to. So please, look at me and tell me how my father was like!
Still nothing, not even a sound.
-Daria, look at me! I raised my voice. Grandma! I reached my hand out for her shoulder to turn her facing me. I grabbed her and pulled gently and she turned. Her eyes were closed and her mouth was open, open in a strange way. I felt Sandra making a weird face and putting her hand over her mouth and then she grabbed my shoulder for a second. In the next second she was out on the hall screaming loudly:
-Nurse! Nurse, come quick!
Daria was dead.
To be continued...
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