I am not that bad looking. My blond hair suits just fine with my green eyes and I even have muscles although I never work out. I wonder if she really likes me or if she only acts so sweet with me because of pity. Aw, c’mon, it can’t be pity! Anyway, it’s getting late, I gotta get to school.
My backpack has everything? Hmm... Yep, it’s all set! Sail away Lord Alexander, a great day awaits you!
-Go to school already!
Shut the fuck up Sandra! I am more responsible than you’ll ever be!
-That’s what I’m doing! Die! I gotta cough now. I mean bye!
Man, she’s really doing her best to ruin my days. Even if I realize life hasn’t been that sweet to her either and she’s not doing this on purpose it still annoys me. I would love to share my small joy with her and tell her that a girl likes me and that I like her too – even if it’s only in my imagination. I would love to see her smiling when I tell her I am going to the history Olympiad next month, I would love to see her hugging me when I tell her I am the best kid at history from the entire school, I would love to see her giving me a good night kiss or just wishing me a great day at school. Anyway, maybe it’s better this way, maybe God has bigger things planned for me.
Look at that old lady, she seems so miserable, I can read loneliness in her eyes, I can tell she hasn’t been happy in a while. Wish I could do something about it... Telling her I understand her won’t help too much I think. Oh, I can see the school. Seems I’m the first to arrive, as usual. I don’t get it why all my other classmates love to get to school 5 minutes before the classes start, school is fun! You have the chance to be on your own, away from your parents and their annoying questions or requests, you get to talk with a lot of other kids your age, you get to listen to gossip, to learn stuff ment to make you smarter or stuff about other people. I wonder when will she get here today... I have to admit my heart always skips a heartbeat when I see her and most of the time I just black out, I get lost for words. Her red hair shines like one thousand overheated suns ready to explode, her green eyes cut me open like a hot knife slices through butter and her lips... I wonder if I’ll find the guts to tell her how I feel, I wonder if I’ll be able to kill my fear of being rejected, I wonder if I can trust her.
Here we are Alexander, let’s get the backpack and the jacket off and wait. This is why I love being the first to arrive, all the other kids salute me and I don’t get to bump in anyone on the halls or stand in line to enter the school.
-Good morning Alexander!
-Hey, welcome!
I never talk with that girl but I love the fact that she salutes me everyday.
-What’s up dude?
-‘morning Adi! How are you today?
-Sleepy.
-As usual I’d say.
-Right. You?
-Feeling pretty good actually.
-I can see you got a dumb smile on your face. What’s up with that?
-Ah, nothing much, just feel like smiling today.
-Don’t tell me... Ah, I know now! Ha-ha-ha!
-What? What do you mean?
-C’mon, we both know you’re smiling cuz of her.
-Because of who? Ah, damn it, I can feel myself blushing! How can he read me so easy?
-Right!
-Don’t tell anyone, please!
-I won’t dude.
He is still smiling, that’s an evil smile. I swear I will get mad if he does tell my secret to anyone else!
-Adi?
-Ya.
-Promise me you won’t tell anyone.
-Dude, look at me! Do I look like the person that would do stupid jokes?
-Yes.
-Uhm... You’re right. But stiil, I promise I won’t tell anyone else.
-Thanks.
-There she is!
I... God!
-Hey Livia!
-Oh, hi Alexander! How are you today?
Oh my God! Her smile is so divine! I could watch it for an entire Eon without getting bored, it just fills my heart, it makes me happy!
-I’m awesome!
-I’m so happy to hear that!
-How do you do?
What? How could I ask her that question?! “How do you do?” god, I’m stupid!
-Ha-ha-ha! I feel pretty happy as well actually!
-Livia!
-Daniel! She replied while her eyes filled with joy.
And then I felt like 1 billion arrows kept on stabbing my heart. I felt everything tumbling and crushing around me, I felt my happiness dyeing, I felt like crying. She kissed him...
To be continued...
12/28/2010
Failed attempts at living simple life[part 8]
There’s still rage inside. I’ve managed to overcome the darkest episode of my life but it wasn’t easy at all. I hate lying soooo bad! I got out of the hospital in like 10 days and even thou I could feel my legs I wasn’t quite able to walk again. The doctors prescribed me some walking prostheses and I was just like Robocop... Of course they gave me back to Sandra for I don’t know what reason and since she doesn’t earn enough money to get me some state of the art walking thingies, all I got were some metal bars around my legs held by another metal belt around my waist. They were giving me so much pains that I swore I will never wear them again...
But they were my only chance for a normal life, thanks to those prostheses I was able to go to school and be regular, just like the other kids. More or less, obviously... I never had the chance to tell them exactly what happened and I don’t know why. I should have said it was an epic battle between me and a forty years old man and that both of us got out bruised pretty bad but all I could say is that I went to sleep one night and woke up without being able to move my feet the next morning. They all bought it but what I hate the most is that now they all look at me with pity. And I hate that look! I missed school for almost 2 months, time in which I learned how to walk with the prostheses, I went back to the hospital for therapy and gymnastics and I took a lot of pills. Anyway, I lost a lot and now it was time to recover everything.
Surprisingly with these prostheses I made a friend. His name is Adi, he is 2 months older than me and he seems like a smart kid. He does have parents and even a younger brother which I envy about him but I kinda hate the fact that he doesn’t like history at all. He has all straight A’s at math and phisics but crappy grades at history. Anyway, we’re hanging together after school and we are having a lot of fun and this isn’t a big surprise for me because Adi isn’t quite like all the others and while some may consider him shy I think he’s a good kid to be friends with.
Time is cruel, it never waits for no one. You either seize the moment and live at the maximum, either grow up in despair wishing you would have reacted different here and there. As time passed by and I learned to live with my metal bars, just when I thought things are starting to get better the kids from school started calling me Robocop or Frankenstein. It fucking pisses me off but I guess this was ment to happen. School is not quite a cool place for a kid in love with history, tormented at home and with his little conscience filled with guilt. One day exactly when we finished classes, on the way back home, I was walking along with Adi when we started hearing loud shouts somewhere in the back. The ones making all that noise were four other kids from a different class, kids that had the reputation of being “evil” let’s say. The two of us decided to ignore them and continue our short walk towards my flat. All of a sudden they started throwing rocks at us.
-Cut it out you dumbasses! Adi screamed at them.
When they heard this they started running towards us and as soon as they got close enough they grabbed both me and Adi by the neck and started hitting us with their fists. I gotta say this isn’t quite pleasant but for a reason I still don’t know I can’t remember anything else. I got back to reality when Adi was holding my right arm telling me to stop.
-Dude, it’s enough, they aren’t moving anymore! Good job, you’re hardcore!
-What are you talking about? Let’s get out of here! Hold my backpack so I can run please...
-Okay. Adi replied with a strange look on his face.
We got to my block, climbed up the stairs to Sandra’s apartment and took a small break to catch our breaths. Adi was less tired than me, obviously, he ran without 10 extra kilos attached to his feet.
-Dude, why did we run? You knocked them all out!
-What the hell are you talking about? I am no warrior, neither strong, neither agile... Remember I got the Robocop suit with me?! It was really hard for me to understand what Adi was talking about taking into consideration that I couldn’t remember anything apart the moment when one of the bad kids was holding my head down and hitting me with his knee.
-Alexander, listen closely. You shouted just like King Midas and then you knocked them all out! None of them was able to stop you or hit you! You were moving extremely fast and you were hitting just like a professional fighter! Oh! Not to mention when you kicked that guy’s mouth with your knee and he instantly bursted with blood! That was fucking amazing!!!!
-Adi... I can’t... I can’t remember these episodes… Are you sure you’re not lying to me?
-Dude, c’mon! All I can do is curse and swear and run a lot faster than you... Do you think I could have beaten those four kids with trash talks or that I ran in circles ‘till they all got dizzy and lost their conscience?!
-It can’t be true... I was truly puzzled.
-The odd thing is that when the last one crashed to the ground you were still hitting him like a mad man. I tried to hold you but you looked at me with such anger that even myself got scared and thought imma get punched in the face. But you didn’t hit me and you turned your attention back to that kid and started kicking him. There was something weird in your eyes, something I never saw before. It was like somebody else took control over you, it was like you were a shaman and I don’t know who’s spirit invaded your body giving you uber human strength and zombie eyes...
Then it hit me. I realized what happened and I understood why I could never remember the moments when rage fills my veins. I guess it’s some sort of instinct that takes over, it could be an overdose of adrenalin that instead of making my brain 10 times quicker it shuts everything down and empowers my surviving skills. This could be useful, I would never have to fear anyone again I guess. Then again what freaks me out is that i can't control it...
To be continued...
But they were my only chance for a normal life, thanks to those prostheses I was able to go to school and be regular, just like the other kids. More or less, obviously... I never had the chance to tell them exactly what happened and I don’t know why. I should have said it was an epic battle between me and a forty years old man and that both of us got out bruised pretty bad but all I could say is that I went to sleep one night and woke up without being able to move my feet the next morning. They all bought it but what I hate the most is that now they all look at me with pity. And I hate that look! I missed school for almost 2 months, time in which I learned how to walk with the prostheses, I went back to the hospital for therapy and gymnastics and I took a lot of pills. Anyway, I lost a lot and now it was time to recover everything.
Surprisingly with these prostheses I made a friend. His name is Adi, he is 2 months older than me and he seems like a smart kid. He does have parents and even a younger brother which I envy about him but I kinda hate the fact that he doesn’t like history at all. He has all straight A’s at math and phisics but crappy grades at history. Anyway, we’re hanging together after school and we are having a lot of fun and this isn’t a big surprise for me because Adi isn’t quite like all the others and while some may consider him shy I think he’s a good kid to be friends with.
Time is cruel, it never waits for no one. You either seize the moment and live at the maximum, either grow up in despair wishing you would have reacted different here and there. As time passed by and I learned to live with my metal bars, just when I thought things are starting to get better the kids from school started calling me Robocop or Frankenstein. It fucking pisses me off but I guess this was ment to happen. School is not quite a cool place for a kid in love with history, tormented at home and with his little conscience filled with guilt. One day exactly when we finished classes, on the way back home, I was walking along with Adi when we started hearing loud shouts somewhere in the back. The ones making all that noise were four other kids from a different class, kids that had the reputation of being “evil” let’s say. The two of us decided to ignore them and continue our short walk towards my flat. All of a sudden they started throwing rocks at us.
-Cut it out you dumbasses! Adi screamed at them.
When they heard this they started running towards us and as soon as they got close enough they grabbed both me and Adi by the neck and started hitting us with their fists. I gotta say this isn’t quite pleasant but for a reason I still don’t know I can’t remember anything else. I got back to reality when Adi was holding my right arm telling me to stop.
-Dude, it’s enough, they aren’t moving anymore! Good job, you’re hardcore!
-What are you talking about? Let’s get out of here! Hold my backpack so I can run please...
-Okay. Adi replied with a strange look on his face.
We got to my block, climbed up the stairs to Sandra’s apartment and took a small break to catch our breaths. Adi was less tired than me, obviously, he ran without 10 extra kilos attached to his feet.
-Dude, why did we run? You knocked them all out!
-What the hell are you talking about? I am no warrior, neither strong, neither agile... Remember I got the Robocop suit with me?! It was really hard for me to understand what Adi was talking about taking into consideration that I couldn’t remember anything apart the moment when one of the bad kids was holding my head down and hitting me with his knee.
-Alexander, listen closely. You shouted just like King Midas and then you knocked them all out! None of them was able to stop you or hit you! You were moving extremely fast and you were hitting just like a professional fighter! Oh! Not to mention when you kicked that guy’s mouth with your knee and he instantly bursted with blood! That was fucking amazing!!!!
-Adi... I can’t... I can’t remember these episodes… Are you sure you’re not lying to me?
-Dude, c’mon! All I can do is curse and swear and run a lot faster than you... Do you think I could have beaten those four kids with trash talks or that I ran in circles ‘till they all got dizzy and lost their conscience?!
-It can’t be true... I was truly puzzled.
-The odd thing is that when the last one crashed to the ground you were still hitting him like a mad man. I tried to hold you but you looked at me with such anger that even myself got scared and thought imma get punched in the face. But you didn’t hit me and you turned your attention back to that kid and started kicking him. There was something weird in your eyes, something I never saw before. It was like somebody else took control over you, it was like you were a shaman and I don’t know who’s spirit invaded your body giving you uber human strength and zombie eyes...
Then it hit me. I realized what happened and I understood why I could never remember the moments when rage fills my veins. I guess it’s some sort of instinct that takes over, it could be an overdose of adrenalin that instead of making my brain 10 times quicker it shuts everything down and empowers my surviving skills. This could be useful, I would never have to fear anyone again I guess. Then again what freaks me out is that i can't control it...
To be continued...
12/15/2010
Failed attempts at living simple life[part 7]
I just can’t stand all this noise anymore! It’s really driving me crazy! It’s making me mad, I feel being taken over by rage! It has to stop now! Why the hell did she brought that stupid smelly drunk home tonight? Ever since they arrived all they do is argue and fight, smash things and yell like crazy people… Oh my god, I hope they don’t touch my history books, I hope they don’t have the guts to do that! I will get out of my room right away and tell them to stop, I can’t stand it anymore!
-Stop for God’s sake! All you did ever since you got home was fighting and smashing things and I can’t study, I can’t even watch TV!
Why is that dude looking at me so angry? Why is coming towards me? Does he think I will run? Does he think I am scared!?
I guess I should wake up now, I think it’s morning already, I gotta get ready for school. Ouch! What the hell is wrong with me and where is this pain coming from? I guess I slept bad, let me stretch my legs real quick.
Ouch! What the…
-Sweety, you woke up?
That isn’t Sandra, she doesn’t have such a warm voice and she never called me sweety… Who is this woman? A nurse?!
-do you feel any pain in your legs?
-What… where the hell am i? What happened? How did I get here? Who are you? Where’s Sandra?
-Calm down Alexander, you’re safe now, there’s no reason to get back in that shock you were last night. Calm down sweety. She smiles so warm, as warm as the woman from the school’s office a couple of years ago.
-Screw this! I’m fine, I’m going home! What the hell?! Why can’t I move my feet?
-Because you got hit pretty bad… You see, when you fell, your spine was the point that absorbed all the energy from the impact. The doctor thinks that it will only be temporary, that only a few nerves were bruised and they will recover in time but…
-Ah, so I’ll be fine in no time. I don’t want to skip classes… Wait, what’s with the ‘but’?
-Well, when you hit a human spine that bad there’s always room for complications. In case you can’t feel anything in your legs during the next three days it means that the problem is more serious than we think. You might need surgery and you might…
-Might what? Never walk again? I will kill myself.
-Don’t ever say that again!
-You don’t know me! I have all the right to say that and tons of reasons! Leave me alone, please!
Depression... When I thought that it was all over and I will be able to get over it, here’s another problem in my ‘all perfect life’ that brings it back. Not being able to ever walk again?! That’s literally worse than death itself. Not being able to see at least 1% of the world?! Never, I won’t spend the rest of my life in a wheel chair while all others will look at me with pity, I won’t go through this crappy life without my legs. The sad part is that even if I kill myself I won’t get to see my parents, that I won’t get to taste love, that I won’t get to make Sandra pay for all the bad things she did to me, that I won’t… Wait a minute. How did I get here? The last thing I remember from last night is that drunk dude coming towards me filled with anger. Did he pushed me and I fell so bad? Did I do anything to him before that? I hope so because if I didn’t, dead or alive I will make his life miserable, even more miserable than mine! Life’s a bitch, even a bigger bitch than Sandra!
To be continued...
-Stop for God’s sake! All you did ever since you got home was fighting and smashing things and I can’t study, I can’t even watch TV!
Why is that dude looking at me so angry? Why is coming towards me? Does he think I will run? Does he think I am scared!?
I guess I should wake up now, I think it’s morning already, I gotta get ready for school. Ouch! What the hell is wrong with me and where is this pain coming from? I guess I slept bad, let me stretch my legs real quick.
Ouch! What the…
-Sweety, you woke up?
That isn’t Sandra, she doesn’t have such a warm voice and she never called me sweety… Who is this woman? A nurse?!
-do you feel any pain in your legs?
-What… where the hell am i? What happened? How did I get here? Who are you? Where’s Sandra?
-Calm down Alexander, you’re safe now, there’s no reason to get back in that shock you were last night. Calm down sweety. She smiles so warm, as warm as the woman from the school’s office a couple of years ago.
-Screw this! I’m fine, I’m going home! What the hell?! Why can’t I move my feet?
-Because you got hit pretty bad… You see, when you fell, your spine was the point that absorbed all the energy from the impact. The doctor thinks that it will only be temporary, that only a few nerves were bruised and they will recover in time but…
-Ah, so I’ll be fine in no time. I don’t want to skip classes… Wait, what’s with the ‘but’?
-Well, when you hit a human spine that bad there’s always room for complications. In case you can’t feel anything in your legs during the next three days it means that the problem is more serious than we think. You might need surgery and you might…
-Might what? Never walk again? I will kill myself.
-Don’t ever say that again!
-You don’t know me! I have all the right to say that and tons of reasons! Leave me alone, please!
Depression... When I thought that it was all over and I will be able to get over it, here’s another problem in my ‘all perfect life’ that brings it back. Not being able to ever walk again?! That’s literally worse than death itself. Not being able to see at least 1% of the world?! Never, I won’t spend the rest of my life in a wheel chair while all others will look at me with pity, I won’t go through this crappy life without my legs. The sad part is that even if I kill myself I won’t get to see my parents, that I won’t get to taste love, that I won’t get to make Sandra pay for all the bad things she did to me, that I won’t… Wait a minute. How did I get here? The last thing I remember from last night is that drunk dude coming towards me filled with anger. Did he pushed me and I fell so bad? Did I do anything to him before that? I hope so because if I didn’t, dead or alive I will make his life miserable, even more miserable than mine! Life’s a bitch, even a bigger bitch than Sandra!
To be continued...
12/13/2010
Failed attempts at living simple life[part 6]
How could i ever be normal? How can i act normal? I know that people sometimes fall into a state called depression but i never felt it until now. I had no idea that people can close themselves so much, I had no idea that depression is such a stupid state in which you basically do nothing at all. You just sit and moan about your life all day long refusing to see anything else except the sealing or maybe a beautiful life holding your eyes closed. I am feeling it now and although I totally disagree with this state of mind I can’t get out of it. I hate everything and everyone at this point, I swear I’d be able to kill a bear using all the anger I feel inside… But the thing I hate the most is myself. I hate myself for not having any friends, I hate myself for living this life, I hate myself for trusting that few people that turned out to betray me, I hate myself for coming to life.
Time passes, it never waits for anyone, time’s the most cruel thing that people have. It just passes by you without caring that you’re miserable, it messes with your mind, it runs faster than a cheetah when you’re happy and slower than a turtle when you’re sad. I have to get out of this depression, I have to get my ass out of bed and make a change, I gotta start doing things for me, I gotta be selfish now, I gotta trust myself and nobody else, I gotta make things right. Too bad I’m only 9 at the moment but I swear to God that when I’ll finish school I will do things right for me, I will claim my happiness without waiting for anyone’s help. And Sandra will pay for all the terrible things she brought upon me and she will feel the pain I feel right now and she will suffer 10 times more.
School eventually started. Good thing about my escape was that the authorities made Sandra promise that she’ll sign me up for school and assure all the things I need to go to school. I don’t care how she will get the resources to buy me books and pens, all I care is that she has to. And it makes me feel good, it actually makes me wake up each morning with a silly smile on my face and it warms me in the cold winter mornings. I also gotta admit that school kicks ass! So many kids my age… Sometimes I just feel scared standing in the middle of 200 other kids, sometimes I feel angry when they laugh too loudly or when they make stupid jokes about their shyer classmates, but most of the time I’m just grateful to be somewhere else than ‘home’. The teachers are more or less nice and everything is good until now. I excel at history because I just love it and I read so much about it. The history teacher likes me as well and said that I’m her favorite student and that I should study even more in order to attend the history Olympiad next year. I’m so up for it!
On the other hand I suck at math, numbers just aren’t my thing, I just hate them. The bad part about this thing is that when I’m at home and giving my best to finish the homework for the next day and just can’t figure it out I get so nervous that I blank out. I wake up after a couple of hours with my entire room turned upside down and I just can’t remember what happened… I gotta say that school would be awesome without math… and without bad kids… and without stupid people that piss you off when you get back home… and without sports.
Things at home didn’t change much thou. I am away for like 4-5 hours per day but I can’t say that I see Sandra less. The same crap happens each night when she brings another dude, both of them really drunk. They make so much noise that during some nights I even had the strange desire to grab a bat and hit them in the head with it when they fall asleep. One thing is for sure: Sandra started to have feelings for the guy that gave me money two years ago when I turned 7. I have no idea what love is but from movies I understood that the first symptom of love is not being able to get the other person off of your mind. That’s exactly what happens to Sandra at the moment… Obviously, when she’s drunk she even shows it, she just comes next to me and talks about him for hours. Sometimes she blames him for being a jerk and not loving her but most of the times she only blames me for the fact that he doesn’t show her any attention. I feel sorry for her and I think she realizes that if she loses this guy she’ll be single for the rest of her life, that she won’t ever feel love, that her heart will get frostbitten and stay like this for eternity. She is actually supposed to be all alone and frozen…
What hurts me the most is that even thou I never felt love and it’s not likely for that to happen any time soon, nobody else ever told me that he or she cares about me. Except for the secretary from the school I went that day, nobody else was kind to me… And I can’t say that I still appreciate her kindness, she betrayed me after all, she turned me down. This probably is the main reason for the anger I feel inside, the reason for turning into an animal sometimes, the reason for hating rainbows, the reason for which I have a dark side, a side so evil that it’s scaring me. It’s scaring me because I know of no meaning to tame what’s inside me, I have no control over it and it just takes over whenever it wants. Because of this I have a problem with making friends, with talking to people, with trusting others. I’m in the 2nd grade now and I still have no friend, I only salute everybody when I enter the class then go to my desk, put my headphones in my ears and wait for the teacher to enter so that the class can start. I just can’t stand the way my classmates act, I just can’t stand knowing they’re around me, I can’t stand breathing the same air they do, I can’t stand knowing that at a certain point my eyes will have a glance of their stupidity, I can’t stand knowing that I am way above them mentally but yet I am forced to learn in the same place and at the same level with them. I don’t have any parents, I never pronounced the word ‘mother’ with its true meaning, I never had a single day when I could say I’m the happiest kid on earth but I think that takes me closer to perfection, that makes me indestructible, powerful, wise and out of the ordinary.
Time passes, it never waits for anyone, time’s the most cruel thing that people have. It just passes by you without caring that you’re miserable, it messes with your mind, it runs faster than a cheetah when you’re happy and slower than a turtle when you’re sad. I have to get out of this depression, I have to get my ass out of bed and make a change, I gotta start doing things for me, I gotta be selfish now, I gotta trust myself and nobody else, I gotta make things right. Too bad I’m only 9 at the moment but I swear to God that when I’ll finish school I will do things right for me, I will claim my happiness without waiting for anyone’s help. And Sandra will pay for all the terrible things she brought upon me and she will feel the pain I feel right now and she will suffer 10 times more.
School eventually started. Good thing about my escape was that the authorities made Sandra promise that she’ll sign me up for school and assure all the things I need to go to school. I don’t care how she will get the resources to buy me books and pens, all I care is that she has to. And it makes me feel good, it actually makes me wake up each morning with a silly smile on my face and it warms me in the cold winter mornings. I also gotta admit that school kicks ass! So many kids my age… Sometimes I just feel scared standing in the middle of 200 other kids, sometimes I feel angry when they laugh too loudly or when they make stupid jokes about their shyer classmates, but most of the time I’m just grateful to be somewhere else than ‘home’. The teachers are more or less nice and everything is good until now. I excel at history because I just love it and I read so much about it. The history teacher likes me as well and said that I’m her favorite student and that I should study even more in order to attend the history Olympiad next year. I’m so up for it!
On the other hand I suck at math, numbers just aren’t my thing, I just hate them. The bad part about this thing is that when I’m at home and giving my best to finish the homework for the next day and just can’t figure it out I get so nervous that I blank out. I wake up after a couple of hours with my entire room turned upside down and I just can’t remember what happened… I gotta say that school would be awesome without math… and without bad kids… and without stupid people that piss you off when you get back home… and without sports.
Things at home didn’t change much thou. I am away for like 4-5 hours per day but I can’t say that I see Sandra less. The same crap happens each night when she brings another dude, both of them really drunk. They make so much noise that during some nights I even had the strange desire to grab a bat and hit them in the head with it when they fall asleep. One thing is for sure: Sandra started to have feelings for the guy that gave me money two years ago when I turned 7. I have no idea what love is but from movies I understood that the first symptom of love is not being able to get the other person off of your mind. That’s exactly what happens to Sandra at the moment… Obviously, when she’s drunk she even shows it, she just comes next to me and talks about him for hours. Sometimes she blames him for being a jerk and not loving her but most of the times she only blames me for the fact that he doesn’t show her any attention. I feel sorry for her and I think she realizes that if she loses this guy she’ll be single for the rest of her life, that she won’t ever feel love, that her heart will get frostbitten and stay like this for eternity. She is actually supposed to be all alone and frozen…
What hurts me the most is that even thou I never felt love and it’s not likely for that to happen any time soon, nobody else ever told me that he or she cares about me. Except for the secretary from the school I went that day, nobody else was kind to me… And I can’t say that I still appreciate her kindness, she betrayed me after all, she turned me down. This probably is the main reason for the anger I feel inside, the reason for turning into an animal sometimes, the reason for hating rainbows, the reason for which I have a dark side, a side so evil that it’s scaring me. It’s scaring me because I know of no meaning to tame what’s inside me, I have no control over it and it just takes over whenever it wants. Because of this I have a problem with making friends, with talking to people, with trusting others. I’m in the 2nd grade now and I still have no friend, I only salute everybody when I enter the class then go to my desk, put my headphones in my ears and wait for the teacher to enter so that the class can start. I just can’t stand the way my classmates act, I just can’t stand knowing they’re around me, I can’t stand breathing the same air they do, I can’t stand knowing that at a certain point my eyes will have a glance of their stupidity, I can’t stand knowing that I am way above them mentally but yet I am forced to learn in the same place and at the same level with them. I don’t have any parents, I never pronounced the word ‘mother’ with its true meaning, I never had a single day when I could say I’m the happiest kid on earth but I think that takes me closer to perfection, that makes me indestructible, powerful, wise and out of the ordinary.
12/02/2010
Failed attempts at living simple life [part 5]
That was like 14 years ago but i can remember it so clearly as it was yesterday. Of course, that's when i don't take their pills...
The ugly women that took me away from school that day brought me to a center for orphan kids. It was quite nice taking into consideration that 'till that point i didn't speak with anyone else than Sandra. So i had the chance to talk with many kids, most of them my age and i couldn't help not feeling different. I wasn't quite eager to share their passion for toys or football, not to mention dirty words. I admit some of them were funny but in the end i was realizing that they're dumb.
I spent 3 long months there and in one cold morning one of the caretakers woke me up saying that Sandra is here and i should get my stuff and get dressed fast because she'll be taking me back home. I remember even now...
-C'mon, hurry up! Aren't you excited you're going back home?
-No, not really... I replied.
-How come? Why not?
-Well, it's complicated. You see... I took a look around the room. All the other kids were sleeping and i could see strange smiles on their faces but i had no idea what they mean. Maybe they're happy for me...
-Listen Alexander... I have no idea what kind of person is Sandra, frankly, i don't even care. What i know for sure is that you'd be better with her than here with all of us. Not all people are mean and she can help you have a better future.
-I just cannot trust you! I still have found no reason to trust people. Every time i did so far, i got hurt.
-Then don't trust me, trust what i'm saying. Pack everything fast and come down with me. When you get home and have a few hours alone try to find news-paper articles that Sandra is hiding from you. Read them and you'll gain a valuable piece of information about your past. This will make you stronger... Now c'mon, let's go!
I nodded. What's the worst that could happen? I'll get everything packed right away and go down showing a fake smile. I just hope Sandra changed a bit...
You'd think i deserve more, you'd think i deserve a little bit of luck, you'd think i shouldn't be afraid to put my trust in people... Listen to this...
Me and Sandra got home fast. She seems happy that she was able to get me back, she has a warm spark in her eyes right now.
-Why did you leave? She asked me with a warm look. Haven't i given you enough? Haven't i allow you to do whatever you wanted? Her face changed, she was angry now. I was working my ass off for you and you show me your gratitude by disappearing?!
-Sandra, listen... You were bringing a different man each night, you were gone almost the entire day and you were drunk when you didn't go to work. I don't...
She slapped me harder than ever. And then she did it again and again... 'Till i grabbed her hands, pulled her down, closer to my face, and... All i remember after that was me watching TV. I was really curious where Sandra was so i left my room to look for her. She was not at home.
-Home alone... I said. Pft, imma keep watching TV... But then, all of a sudden the words of the caretaker rang loudly into my head "news-paper articles that Sandra is hiding from you". Let's see, where does she usually hide things?
It took me only 5 minutes to find a file filled with news-paper articles. The first one had a strange title "God took 10 souls today and gave back just 1". I continued reading for hours because there were like 50 articles. When i finished and took a moment to understand all of them i could feel my heart stopping, i could feel all the air in the room running away from me, i could feel my soul crying...
To be continued...
The ugly women that took me away from school that day brought me to a center for orphan kids. It was quite nice taking into consideration that 'till that point i didn't speak with anyone else than Sandra. So i had the chance to talk with many kids, most of them my age and i couldn't help not feeling different. I wasn't quite eager to share their passion for toys or football, not to mention dirty words. I admit some of them were funny but in the end i was realizing that they're dumb.
I spent 3 long months there and in one cold morning one of the caretakers woke me up saying that Sandra is here and i should get my stuff and get dressed fast because she'll be taking me back home. I remember even now...
-C'mon, hurry up! Aren't you excited you're going back home?
-No, not really... I replied.
-How come? Why not?
-Well, it's complicated. You see... I took a look around the room. All the other kids were sleeping and i could see strange smiles on their faces but i had no idea what they mean. Maybe they're happy for me...
-Listen Alexander... I have no idea what kind of person is Sandra, frankly, i don't even care. What i know for sure is that you'd be better with her than here with all of us. Not all people are mean and she can help you have a better future.
-I just cannot trust you! I still have found no reason to trust people. Every time i did so far, i got hurt.
-Then don't trust me, trust what i'm saying. Pack everything fast and come down with me. When you get home and have a few hours alone try to find news-paper articles that Sandra is hiding from you. Read them and you'll gain a valuable piece of information about your past. This will make you stronger... Now c'mon, let's go!
I nodded. What's the worst that could happen? I'll get everything packed right away and go down showing a fake smile. I just hope Sandra changed a bit...
You'd think i deserve more, you'd think i deserve a little bit of luck, you'd think i shouldn't be afraid to put my trust in people... Listen to this...
Me and Sandra got home fast. She seems happy that she was able to get me back, she has a warm spark in her eyes right now.
-Why did you leave? She asked me with a warm look. Haven't i given you enough? Haven't i allow you to do whatever you wanted? Her face changed, she was angry now. I was working my ass off for you and you show me your gratitude by disappearing?!
-Sandra, listen... You were bringing a different man each night, you were gone almost the entire day and you were drunk when you didn't go to work. I don't...
She slapped me harder than ever. And then she did it again and again... 'Till i grabbed her hands, pulled her down, closer to my face, and... All i remember after that was me watching TV. I was really curious where Sandra was so i left my room to look for her. She was not at home.
-Home alone... I said. Pft, imma keep watching TV... But then, all of a sudden the words of the caretaker rang loudly into my head "news-paper articles that Sandra is hiding from you". Let's see, where does she usually hide things?
It took me only 5 minutes to find a file filled with news-paper articles. The first one had a strange title "God took 10 souls today and gave back just 1". I continued reading for hours because there were like 50 articles. When i finished and took a moment to understand all of them i could feel my heart stopping, i could feel all the air in the room running away from me, i could feel my soul crying...
To be continued...
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