Failed attempts at living simple life[last part]

I try and I try and I try again. Bottom line is I will never stop trying. I know it is said that trying is not enough, I know that you should give your best, that you should put passion in everything, that you should do every single thing, even the simplest things, extraordinary. I know you shouldn’t do things for the sake of it, just to get it done but... This will be the end of my story and God, I realize now that I am writing it on imaginary toilet paper!
Daria’s death was the biggest and toughest shock I had in my life. I could feel my heart crying, my soul toss and turning deep inside of me and I could feel my eyes wetter than the ocean. I couldn’t cry at her funeral, not a single tear. Only now I realize that I was filled with rage, not pain. Rage, one of the purest and most strange states of mind, it can give you superhuman strength, it can make you blind, it can make you evil, it can make your brain process everything 10 times faster, it can suppress pain. After the funeral I came back home with Sandra, without saying a single word. We had dinner in complete silence and then went in our rooms. I turned on the TV and started navigating through channels without looking for anything special. My mind was empty like it never had before. Every single stupid thought was disappearing a moment away from birth, everything was turning into darkness. At 3 in the morning I felt something strange, something I couldn’t explain.
I got out of my bed and went for some fresh air on the balcony. I felt it invading my lungs and tearing them apart because it was the coldest air I ever felt. I climbed up on the railing in front of me without thinking at the 30 meters distance ‘till the sidewalk, I spread my hands up high and took another deep breath of air.
I still don’t know what happened after that even thou I heard stories. You know, the nurses here are women and they talk, they talk more than they should sometimes but I guess it’s in their nature. I am the youngest patient here and of course, I don’t belong in this place. My room is 103 and there’s nobody else, except the nurses, at this floor. Anyway, during the night, when even the nurses go to their rooms at the second floor I am embraced by the silence, darkness and loneliness, time when I can think clear. Also the drugs fade away so my mind works perfectly. “He was screaming he is godsend on earth, he was smiling. Everybody thought he’ll jump down eventually but after 10 minutes of screaming he went back inside and killed the woman that took care of him. We have to keep him sedated, there’s no telling what he might do... “ one of the nurses said when I was brought here. I am 100% sure I haven’t killed Sandra... I mean, I had the power to forgive her and I was feeling better with her. “He chopped her head off ‘till the police broke the door and went inside. He was sitting near her beheaded corps hugging her and crying while her head was sitting like a trophy on the bedroom table. There’s a monster behind those green eyes and calm face.” she continued.
Did I crack? Is it just a bad dream from which I can’t wake up? I want to meet my parents really bad, it’s the only thing that matters to me at the moment. Of course, they both died when I was born so that’s why I’ll never stop trying. I often get out of bed, during the night of course, because during the day I am tied down and under drugs, go out the doors and look through the bars on the wall in front of my room. “Dead or alive, we will be together!” these are the words written there. I can’t exactly tell if they’re written with blood but I like to think so. I am sure they were written at rage and that’s why I believe in them, that’s why they became my motto. The guy that wrote them absolutely felt it and I like to think that if you feel it, it’s true, no matter what that thing is.
I’ve gathered 7 shoe-laces ‘till now. I need 7 more and I can meet my parents... Pray for me if you read my story because no matter what i did or did not do, god knows i tried to be just like you: normal, simple, beautiful, smart, loved!

The end.