„Dear Sara,
I didn’t get scared at all, in fact i was really happy to read your e-mail because i’ve been dying to talk to you as well. Now regarding your question... There are tons of answers and i don’t think any is the right one. Humans need to believe that there is something greater influencing everything. Only a few people have the courage to step up and shout out loud that there is no such thing, that there is absolutely nothing controling their life.
I am one of the persons that don’t have the courage to deny God out loud. I don’t believe in His existence yet i always make the cross sign whenever i walk outside of my home. You see, when you deny God’s existence you exclude yourself from the society because people judge. The fact that there are so many christians is just a proof that everybody wants to blend in, that people find it a lot more comfortable to be just like everybody else because let’s face it, when you try to rise above everybody else you’ll realize that they will do their best to drag you back down. And it sucks big time...
I do believe that we are the only ones controling our destiny and how good or bad each day can be, i do believe that there are no miracles of God, just miracles of the human body or the soul. On the other hand, my girlfriend is a real believer and it kind of freaks me out. She always „blames” things on God’s will and she always turns to God whenever things are good or bad. I sometimes feel sorry for her because she just doesn’t realize that she’s the one responsible for the outcome of her days. She even „blames” God for meeting me which is stupid because i met her at a party where she was drunk as hell. Nevertheless, my point is that i would do something to change everybody, i would make them all break out of the „christian prison” so that they can just liive their life as they should. But i don’t know what so i rather live like i know and sometimes enjoy the little things that the church offers. By enjoying i understand having fun as in easter when I usually hang out all night long with a few of my friends.
So tell that person you were talking about that what she did is really brave and that she should be proud. We could talk on this topic for ages without reaching a conclusion to be honest...
Sara, let’s play a game! It feels really great to talk to you so I was thinking if we can play a questions game. Let’s keep talking through e-mails until we find time to talk live again but let’s ask questions, give answers to them and then end with another question. I will presume you like this idea and start with a simple question.
I sometimes feel like what I am doing at the moment is a waste of time. I often feel that I am simply wasting my life with the simple things that happen around me. I do have a purpose, a really big dream I am fighting to achieve but it I am not sure I will be able to do it in this life. So my question is: Do you believe in the after life or in reincarnation?
Best of wishes, take care!
Hugs and kisses,
David.”
-That should do it, said David as he clicked the “Send” button. Aw, damn it! It took me a hole hour to write an e-mail?! It doesn’t matter actually… Why didn’t I meet this girl before? Damn it Sara, you should have been my girlfriend and I would have gave you the love you seek and more!
To be continued...
3/28/2011
3/21/2011
24 [Episode 9]
She got off the bus and kept walking towards her home as if she was the only human being walking the Earth surface. She wasn’t even stopping at zebras, she couldn’t even hear the horns or the dirty words drivers were screaming at her as she was just crossing the streets. She was simply mesmerized by the fact that she finally accomplished the first action step of the big plan and her mind was filled with possibilities, what to do next, details and the eyes of that boy that she saw in the cathedral. Every now and then she realized that he was haunting her thoughts therefore she was getting angry. “Damn it! Get out of my mind boy! I need to think straight! You’re kinda pathetic Sara, you don’t even know his name and yet you think about him a lot...” After she passed the small store at the very beginning of the small alley she suddenly came back to reality but for no particular reason apparently. Sara felt really weird, as if she had another crazy night when she’d be partying until forgetting where or with whom or how did she get back home. She took a look around at the bushes bordering the alley and at the little colored stones that were trapped inside the concrete she was stepping on. She felt like everything was imprisoned and that she was the only one free but it was a freedom that didn’t quite have sense without a good purpose and its achievement. And then it hit her “Aw, damn! I’m out of smokes!”
When she finally got home and closed the door behind her she ran inside her room without even getting her jacket off and opened the laptop. While the operating system was booting a strange state of impatience got a hold of her so strong that she was tapping he table with 4 fingers of her right hand. The welcome screen finally appeared so she typed fastest than ever the password and pressed enter. After 30 more seconds she had already opened the internet browser and typed her e-mail address. She wanted to see if David sent her another e-mail, it was all she was wishing for. “Sara, are you serious? Your plan just came to life today and all you desire is an e-mail from a boy you just met online?!” Still she waited for the web-page to load but there was no e-mail there. Not from David at least. Instead she had received one without any subject and from no sender at all. “Strange. I wonder what the hell could this be...” She gave it a little bit of thinking before clicking it but she eventually gave in to her curiosity. It was empty, really long but with no words at all. She took the scroll down bar and pulled it ‘till the very end of the page and there they were. 4 words written with small letters and colored in red: “Do the right thing!” She raised both of her eyebrows and stared at it for 30 seconds after which she closed the internet browser, lighted up a cigarette and turned on the music. She then went to the bathroom with the cigarette between her soft lips and took a really short look in the mirror, smiled pleased and went back to the laptop. She opened the internet browser again and typed “homemade explosives” and hit enter. “Boom!” Way too many results appeared yet there was one which description was exactly what she was looking for. “Let’s see what we have here!”
After three hours she closed the lid and just started starring at nothing. Her blue eyes were wide open but they weren’t focusing at anything. Sara had reached another dead end. All of the homemade explosives recipes she found on the internet were useless. Almost none of them had the appropriate power to do damage to a concrete structure. Another problem was the fact that the cathedral had been constructed using the finest materials, therefor the walls and columns were really tough. She needed powerful TNT or C4 or some other military stuff... “ Enough for one day I guess, it’s time to celebrate!”
Still her mind ran again to that boy she saw in the cathedral but she ignored it and instead thought about the strange e-mail she received. Sara just couldn’t understand how somebody could send an e-mail with no ID. The message itself was also strange: “Do the right thing! Now what’s that supposed to mean? What is ‘the thing’? And how am I suppose to know what’s ‘the right thing’? Weird...” After one more minute of starring at nothing at all she decided it’s time to write to David.
“Dear David,
How was your day? I would love to speak with you again tonight but I think I will go out. My day was more or less awesome and I feel the need to celebrate a little. Plus I am really hungry and I’m not quite in the mood for cooking. Let’s go to a restaurant and eat something good! Can you come and pick me up at 8 P.M.? Haha, just kidding!
I would like to ask your opinion about something. I know a person that at a certain point in her life was a human that dedicated everything to God but then a 180 degrees change made her deny the very existence of Him and hate the Christianity cult. The experiences through which the person went empowered the hate and now she thinks that the rest of the world needs to know her opinion. I don’t know if you have studied the Holly Bible and noticed how many pagan symbols there are. Of course, the ‘pagan’ term was also invented by Christians so it’s kinda hypocrite to use it. Nevertheless, you get my point. So I would like to ask you: Do you believe that there is a greater force guiding all our steps or deciding our destiny from the moment we come to life, as if we are simple puppets? Or do you think that we are the only ones responsible for the outcome of our life or for what happens around?
As far as I know, the person I was telling you about thinks that dedicating her life to God was a waste of life, just like spending time in a jail. Knowing that she met other persons that still do this she feels free now.
Talk to you soon I hope! Best of wishes and hugs!
XoXo,
Sara.
P.S. I hope you won’t get scared by this e-mail and by my questions.”
To be continued...
When she finally got home and closed the door behind her she ran inside her room without even getting her jacket off and opened the laptop. While the operating system was booting a strange state of impatience got a hold of her so strong that she was tapping he table with 4 fingers of her right hand. The welcome screen finally appeared so she typed fastest than ever the password and pressed enter. After 30 more seconds she had already opened the internet browser and typed her e-mail address. She wanted to see if David sent her another e-mail, it was all she was wishing for. “Sara, are you serious? Your plan just came to life today and all you desire is an e-mail from a boy you just met online?!” Still she waited for the web-page to load but there was no e-mail there. Not from David at least. Instead she had received one without any subject and from no sender at all. “Strange. I wonder what the hell could this be...” She gave it a little bit of thinking before clicking it but she eventually gave in to her curiosity. It was empty, really long but with no words at all. She took the scroll down bar and pulled it ‘till the very end of the page and there they were. 4 words written with small letters and colored in red: “Do the right thing!” She raised both of her eyebrows and stared at it for 30 seconds after which she closed the internet browser, lighted up a cigarette and turned on the music. She then went to the bathroom with the cigarette between her soft lips and took a really short look in the mirror, smiled pleased and went back to the laptop. She opened the internet browser again and typed “homemade explosives” and hit enter. “Boom!” Way too many results appeared yet there was one which description was exactly what she was looking for. “Let’s see what we have here!”
After three hours she closed the lid and just started starring at nothing. Her blue eyes were wide open but they weren’t focusing at anything. Sara had reached another dead end. All of the homemade explosives recipes she found on the internet were useless. Almost none of them had the appropriate power to do damage to a concrete structure. Another problem was the fact that the cathedral had been constructed using the finest materials, therefor the walls and columns were really tough. She needed powerful TNT or C4 or some other military stuff... “ Enough for one day I guess, it’s time to celebrate!”
Still her mind ran again to that boy she saw in the cathedral but she ignored it and instead thought about the strange e-mail she received. Sara just couldn’t understand how somebody could send an e-mail with no ID. The message itself was also strange: “Do the right thing! Now what’s that supposed to mean? What is ‘the thing’? And how am I suppose to know what’s ‘the right thing’? Weird...” After one more minute of starring at nothing at all she decided it’s time to write to David.
“Dear David,
How was your day? I would love to speak with you again tonight but I think I will go out. My day was more or less awesome and I feel the need to celebrate a little. Plus I am really hungry and I’m not quite in the mood for cooking. Let’s go to a restaurant and eat something good! Can you come and pick me up at 8 P.M.? Haha, just kidding!
I would like to ask your opinion about something. I know a person that at a certain point in her life was a human that dedicated everything to God but then a 180 degrees change made her deny the very existence of Him and hate the Christianity cult. The experiences through which the person went empowered the hate and now she thinks that the rest of the world needs to know her opinion. I don’t know if you have studied the Holly Bible and noticed how many pagan symbols there are. Of course, the ‘pagan’ term was also invented by Christians so it’s kinda hypocrite to use it. Nevertheless, you get my point. So I would like to ask you: Do you believe that there is a greater force guiding all our steps or deciding our destiny from the moment we come to life, as if we are simple puppets? Or do you think that we are the only ones responsible for the outcome of our life or for what happens around?
As far as I know, the person I was telling you about thinks that dedicating her life to God was a waste of life, just like spending time in a jail. Knowing that she met other persons that still do this she feels free now.
Talk to you soon I hope! Best of wishes and hugs!
XoXo,
Sara.
P.S. I hope you won’t get scared by this e-mail and by my questions.”
To be continued...
3/14/2011
3/13/2011
24 [Episode 8]
She felt a strange energy guiding her that day. After sending the e-mail she put on some music and got out of bed, went to the kitchen and started the coffee maker after which she headed to the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror. She really liked what she was seeing. The Sara that was smiling back from the mirror was more or less perfect, even with the curl not hiding that ugly cut anymore. Nevertheless she knew it had to be hidden because the others won’t understand it and will just stare at it and feel either pity, either think about mocking words.
A short sound let her know that the coffee was ready. She didn’t even blink, she just smiled and nodded. “This is it Sara, let’s get down to business! Let this be the first day of the rest of our life!” She went back into the kitchen, poured the coffee in a big cup, took the ashtray and headed back into her room, took her laptop closer and lighted up a cigarette. She opened the internet browser and tried to find some blueprints for the town’s cathedral. Tons of results were generated which made her raise her right eyebrow without being discouraged because Sara knew she had the perseverance needed to achieve her goal. She spent 5 hours at the laptop surfing through web-sites and almost 2 packs of smokes. She did not find anything useful so she took a moment to think. “Screw this, internet sucks sometimes! I can just go and check out for myself!” She got up and went back into the bathroom, put some makeup on, not too much thou because she just hated the feeling of chemical stuff on her face and because she knew that her face and skin were perfect just the way they were. But still, some makeup will make her even prettier. Then she took her black leather jacket, her snickers on, a pair of glasses, her wallet, the keys and left. The weather outside was lovely even for an autumn day so instead of paying a lot of money on a cab she decided to wait for the bus.
She finally got there, the cathedral was right in front of her. The 48 crosses on the 4 pillars at the entrance were just a proof of how huge the structure was. The actual building process started many years ago, in 1906 and lasted for 9 long years. A massive earthquake in the 1940’s collapsed one of the towers but after reconsolidation, the cathedral was once again new. Like any other Christian building, the cathedral was filled with symbolism and important faces with the rank of saints. “Aw man, pagan stuff everywhere... But no! They all claim that their religion is the only one worth following! Bullshit! 48 crosses, 4 pillars, obvious pagan symbolism!” The massive doors at the entrance were almost always closed so the only way to get in was through a small door situated on the cathedral’s right side. Once she stepped inside she couldn’t help not feeling weird, remembering her years spent at that church, in almost total isolation except for the other nuns. She had a strange instinct of making the cross sign with her right hand but she fought it easily. The paintings were amazingly alive and once inside you could almost feel that all those saint’s eyes painted on the walls were pointed straight at you. Sara smiled as she felt it and switched her point of interest from the paintings to the walls. She was curious where the main structure columns were located, she needed to know exactly where the strong and weak structural points were. Sadly she was no architect but she was smart. At that hour in the entire cathedral there were only 2 other people: a couple. The girl was on her knees praying towards the altar and the boy- pretty good looking, Sara considered- was just behind her with both hands deep in his pockets having that “C’mon already!” look on his face and no faith in God at all. “That’s my type of guy!” While staring at him Sara did not notice the bump on the floor and bumped into it, falling down on her knees. The boy turned his head towards the noise and when he saw her falling down he took his hands out of the pockets in a shy attempt of helping her but then abandoned the idea when he realized that the distance was too big and that she’d be up on her feet by the time he gets close to her. His girlfriend also looked and smiled, thing which irritated Sara a lot. “I’ll come there and wipe that stupid smile off your face with just a simple move you stupid girl!” She got up in a few seconds feeling a little bit embarrassed and then looked towards the altar from which a priest just entered the huge room. She started walking towards him with a “I could eat you alive” look:
-Hello father, said Sara with her head facing the floor!
-Hello, the priest answered!
-Father, I have a curiosity. I suppose you do know all about the building, am I right?
-Yes I do, it had been passed down from generation to generation, answered the priest with a warm, whispered voice.
-I am doing a project for my class and I decided I should chose the cathedral as the most important building in town. I want to ask if you: where are the strong and weak structural points of the building?
Surprisingly the question put a smile on the priest’s face and he decided to give Sara a tour, pin-pointing each spot, each column and introducing historical facts or architectural mistakes. “I am a genius!” Sara thought as she was paying attention to the priest’s indications. She could already picture everything in her head and on the spot everything made sense and it seemed quite simple. Sara knew that it wouldn’t be that easy thou, she knew that an ingenious way was needed to ensure the success of the plan. Nevertheless, the first phase was complete, she found out exactly what she was looking for. “Check!” an imaginary pen inside her head was writing beside a small action plan written on an imaginary piece of paper.
-Thank you very much father! This is all I need for a good grade!
-I am glad I could help you. God bless!
-Right! Bye, said Sara as she turned her back smiling with evil thoughts inside her head!
As she was walking towards the exit she couldn’t help not looking again towards that boy and she was amazed, she almost skipped a heartbeat when their looks met halfway. “Uh, damn boy, stop looking at me, imma blush!” she thought as she rewarded his look with a cute smile. Sara then started walking fast towards the bus station, almost as fast as the scenarios in her head. So many ideas, so many possibilities, so many ways towards success were running inside her head that she needed to get back home faster so that she can put pen to paper. Anyway, Sara spent the entire road back home thinking about the biggest challenge of the plan: getting the raw material that will do the trick. It wasn’t as if she could just go to the store and ask for it. “No worries, chemistry is my friend or at least it will become my friend. I will create my own magic stuff!”
To be continued...
P.S. Sper sa fie mai lizibil textul aranjat asa./ I hope the text is easier to read organized like this. Thanks Alex for the feedback!
A short sound let her know that the coffee was ready. She didn’t even blink, she just smiled and nodded. “This is it Sara, let’s get down to business! Let this be the first day of the rest of our life!” She went back into the kitchen, poured the coffee in a big cup, took the ashtray and headed back into her room, took her laptop closer and lighted up a cigarette. She opened the internet browser and tried to find some blueprints for the town’s cathedral. Tons of results were generated which made her raise her right eyebrow without being discouraged because Sara knew she had the perseverance needed to achieve her goal. She spent 5 hours at the laptop surfing through web-sites and almost 2 packs of smokes. She did not find anything useful so she took a moment to think. “Screw this, internet sucks sometimes! I can just go and check out for myself!” She got up and went back into the bathroom, put some makeup on, not too much thou because she just hated the feeling of chemical stuff on her face and because she knew that her face and skin were perfect just the way they were. But still, some makeup will make her even prettier. Then she took her black leather jacket, her snickers on, a pair of glasses, her wallet, the keys and left. The weather outside was lovely even for an autumn day so instead of paying a lot of money on a cab she decided to wait for the bus.
She finally got there, the cathedral was right in front of her. The 48 crosses on the 4 pillars at the entrance were just a proof of how huge the structure was. The actual building process started many years ago, in 1906 and lasted for 9 long years. A massive earthquake in the 1940’s collapsed one of the towers but after reconsolidation, the cathedral was once again new. Like any other Christian building, the cathedral was filled with symbolism and important faces with the rank of saints. “Aw man, pagan stuff everywhere... But no! They all claim that their religion is the only one worth following! Bullshit! 48 crosses, 4 pillars, obvious pagan symbolism!” The massive doors at the entrance were almost always closed so the only way to get in was through a small door situated on the cathedral’s right side. Once she stepped inside she couldn’t help not feeling weird, remembering her years spent at that church, in almost total isolation except for the other nuns. She had a strange instinct of making the cross sign with her right hand but she fought it easily. The paintings were amazingly alive and once inside you could almost feel that all those saint’s eyes painted on the walls were pointed straight at you. Sara smiled as she felt it and switched her point of interest from the paintings to the walls. She was curious where the main structure columns were located, she needed to know exactly where the strong and weak structural points were. Sadly she was no architect but she was smart. At that hour in the entire cathedral there were only 2 other people: a couple. The girl was on her knees praying towards the altar and the boy- pretty good looking, Sara considered- was just behind her with both hands deep in his pockets having that “C’mon already!” look on his face and no faith in God at all. “That’s my type of guy!” While staring at him Sara did not notice the bump on the floor and bumped into it, falling down on her knees. The boy turned his head towards the noise and when he saw her falling down he took his hands out of the pockets in a shy attempt of helping her but then abandoned the idea when he realized that the distance was too big and that she’d be up on her feet by the time he gets close to her. His girlfriend also looked and smiled, thing which irritated Sara a lot. “I’ll come there and wipe that stupid smile off your face with just a simple move you stupid girl!” She got up in a few seconds feeling a little bit embarrassed and then looked towards the altar from which a priest just entered the huge room. She started walking towards him with a “I could eat you alive” look:
-Hello father, said Sara with her head facing the floor!
-Hello, the priest answered!
-Father, I have a curiosity. I suppose you do know all about the building, am I right?
-Yes I do, it had been passed down from generation to generation, answered the priest with a warm, whispered voice.
-I am doing a project for my class and I decided I should chose the cathedral as the most important building in town. I want to ask if you: where are the strong and weak structural points of the building?
Surprisingly the question put a smile on the priest’s face and he decided to give Sara a tour, pin-pointing each spot, each column and introducing historical facts or architectural mistakes. “I am a genius!” Sara thought as she was paying attention to the priest’s indications. She could already picture everything in her head and on the spot everything made sense and it seemed quite simple. Sara knew that it wouldn’t be that easy thou, she knew that an ingenious way was needed to ensure the success of the plan. Nevertheless, the first phase was complete, she found out exactly what she was looking for. “Check!” an imaginary pen inside her head was writing beside a small action plan written on an imaginary piece of paper.
-Thank you very much father! This is all I need for a good grade!
-I am glad I could help you. God bless!
-Right! Bye, said Sara as she turned her back smiling with evil thoughts inside her head!
As she was walking towards the exit she couldn’t help not looking again towards that boy and she was amazed, she almost skipped a heartbeat when their looks met halfway. “Uh, damn boy, stop looking at me, imma blush!” she thought as she rewarded his look with a cute smile. Sara then started walking fast towards the bus station, almost as fast as the scenarios in her head. So many ideas, so many possibilities, so many ways towards success were running inside her head that she needed to get back home faster so that she can put pen to paper. Anyway, Sara spent the entire road back home thinking about the biggest challenge of the plan: getting the raw material that will do the trick. It wasn’t as if she could just go to the store and ask for it. “No worries, chemistry is my friend or at least it will become my friend. I will create my own magic stuff!”
To be continued...
P.S. Sper sa fie mai lizibil textul aranjat asa./ I hope the text is easier to read organized like this. Thanks Alex for the feedback!
3/11/2011
24 [Episode 7]
Huge plans for a teenager anyone would think. Sara wasn’t a regular teenager thou... As years passed she probably forgot or just put to sleep the crazy thoughts from that day. With the money her parents left her she bought her own apartment, a 1 room flat with bathroom and kitchen. Not too small, not too big, just her own little place she called home. And indeed, it was her home. She painted the walls in a warm cream-color, bought just a few pieces of furniture: a bed obviously, a dresser and a small table where she would put her cups of coffee, cigarettes and the ashtray. Only one painting was hanging on the wall and even if the ones that saw it judged it cool but weird or simply crazy, the picture symbolized a lot of things for Sara, even if it was just a simple sign with a quote below: “Do what thou wilt!” It was the sign of anarchy, the sign that she tattooed at a certain point on her back. It symbolized all the things that she lost, all the pain she went through, all the delusions, all the lies, all the perfect moments, tears, laughs, strength and weakness, energy and ambition. Whenever she would see it in the mirror she would know that she has a purpose in life and she would remember where she came from.
The kitchen was plain simple with a two persons table, a fridge, an oven, a microwave oven, a toaster, a coffee maker, a few jars with sugar, coffee, spices and right next to them the tableware. Sara rarely cooked but she liked to have all those things there, it made her feel normal. Her entire place was smelling like tobacco but she didn’t mind, she was a hardcore smoker after all. The bathroom was probably the flat’s darkest room because Sara enjoyed watching herself in the mirror a lot. The sad part about mirrors is that when one looks at them long enough they can see itself just as one is. When Sara was looking in the mirror with her eyes opened she would sometimes see a strong woman that went through more than anyone yet survived, but sometimes she would just see a social retard, a weak being that has a real problem, that has no reasons to live. She often cried out her soul in the bathroom, she even stood with a razorblade in her right hand thinking to cut open her wrist hoping that everything will end this way, that the pain would disappear, that she’d escape this stupid world. But she never had the guts to do it because whenever she was right on the edge her mum’s voice would echo loudly in her head: “Don’t you give up! Stand up, stop crying!” and she’d throw the razorblade away, wash her face and screamed. Screams of power, rage and courage, that’s what Sara considered they were.
She was almost 25 now. 7 years passed since she left the church, since she decided to deny God and faith and to start her own religion. It was the right choice and she had no regrets now, she accepted that period of her life as an episode of the story about finding herself. Her hair was still bloody red as she painted it that day and it made a strong contrast with her blue eyes. She had a messy hairstyle with a curl hanging down her face covering the one sign that always remembered her of darkness: the scar she stamped herself with lots of years ago. She tried letting it on display but it only accentuated her weirdo look, people always starring at it while she was in public. Tattoos also became one of her favorite things because they involved pain and she loved feeling at least pain than nothing at all. Her right hand was totally covered with tattoos, all of them linking together but with apparently no sense at all. It symbolized her personal chaos and as her friends well knew, Sara could explain the order and the links. On her back, besides the large anarchy symbol she also had a swastika and a few more symbols linking to reincarnation, immortality and good luck. Her legs were both “on flames” from the ankle up to the knee. These were the ones that she wasn’t proud of. First of all she had them done at rage, when she was not sober and dreaming. It was one of those “I bet you don’t have the guts to do it!” moments when she left herself influenced by her stupid friends.
Having her own money, lots of them even, Sara never had to work. She lived in a cyclic Saturday where she would go to bed or not, where she would drink as much as she could stand without going over the edge, do drugs, have fun, visit stupid places that seemed cool. All in all, in 2 years she almost spent 3 quarters of the money on nothing much. She bought a lot of clothes, shoes, hats, jewels and stuff like that but more she just threw away on alcohol, smokes, drugs, buying drinks for her friends, junk food, fancy dinners in places she knew she didn’t belong, and a car that later on she abandoned after running out of gas. One night she said it should all stop here. She sometimes felt used by her friends that would call inviting her to parties or just to go out for a drink and then when the bill came they would start saying they have no money at all, so she paid. At a certain point she got so fed up that she simply refused to go out with them. So she stood at home, in bed, with the laptop on her legs surfing the internet. Sara felt the need to talk with someone, even a stranger, she felt the need to let go of some of the rage she felt at the moment. So she found a simple website that required registration, following which you could randomly talk with a stranger from all over the world. “This is awesome! Just what I was looking for!” she thought as she completed the spaces required for the registration. RedAnarchy was her nickname and shortly after she completed the sign up process she was assigned a so called buddy to chat with. They said hello to each other and started talking. And they talked for hours and hours, they both laughed, exchanged funny stories, talked about the moments when they both felt the need to commit suicide, about the moments when love shone in their hearts – Sara preferred to lie here, she never knew true love - or about bad dates. It was amazing!
-I simply don’t understand how from all the people in the world, this stupid computer assigned you to me! Said Sara blushing a little.
-Me neither but I damn glad it happened! What’s your real name?
-Sara. What’s yours?
-David.
A few moments of awkward silence because they both realized that they would love to talk again, especially now when they weren’t just two strangers talking on the internet. They knew each other a little bit, they knew their real life names.
-Nice to meet you Sara, you’re a really cool person!
-Nice to meet you too and I am also glad for this coincidence. You seem like a really nice guy!
-Thanks! Hey, listen, I should head to bed because it’s getting kinda late. How would you like to talk again sometime? We could exchange e-mail addresses or something and keep in touch there.
-Uhm, I don’t know. I already told you that I was used by people before and I find it hard to trust you.
-Sara, I am not a hacker, I barely know how to install my operating system on this computer. C’mon, we would just mail each other whenever we would feel the need to talk about our crazy real life experiences.
-Okay, fine, let’s do it!
-Awesome, it will be just like in “You’ve got mail!”
-Haha, I loved that movie a lot to be honest! Too bad I don’t own a bookstore and have no passion for books whatsoever.
-It’s okay, I’m not Tom Hanks anyway. Haha!
-Okay David. Let’s get to bed, it is kinda late.
-Yep. Sleep tight, talk to you soon I hope!
-Sure thing. Good night David!
And she closed the website with a dumb smile on her face, feeling a million times better, feeling happy. This was the best conversation she ever had, it was all she needed that night, David seemed like the perfect guy for her. Then she groaned and yawned thinking that she would never get the chance to actually meet him, she would never see how he looks like or what color his eyes are. “Maybe he’s a fat guy with acne and glasses for all I know... But still, I can’t wait to talk with him again!” And she closed her eyes smiling and fell asleep like that. When she woke up it was almost 1 in the afternoon and sun invaded her room, making the atmosphere hot. She got out of bed, went to the kitchen and drank a huge glass of milk then she lighted a cigarette. Sara went back to her room and turned the laptop back on. Suddenly her heart started beating faster and that dumb smile came back: she had 1 new e-mail. She quickly opened her e-mail address and clicked on the inbox folder. There it was, 1 new e-mail message from David, her dreamy guy.
“Dear Sara,
Good morning! Rise and shine because it’s a beautiful day! Take a look out of the window and see the Sun smiling just for you, feel its rays embracing you and warming up your heart. Look at the little birds singing, at the flies minding their own business, listen to the music for a little, see its beauty... Just don’t mind the people always being in a rush, they are just running towards death without even knowing it, they have no purpose at all.
Have a great day Sara, you simply found a place in my mind and I thank you for that!
Hugs,
David.”
After reading it she was mesmerized for like 5 minutes, being unable to do anything except puffing her cigarette and looking out of the window. It felt so good that she could do this for an entire eon. But then she remembered that she wasn’t quite a regular person, that she has a dark past, that her future has a deadline and a few action steps that need to be completed; she remembered that she is not one of the people running like freaks towards their death, she has a purpose, she has something to do and it’s not for her own wellbeing but for the world’s. She decided to reply back:
“Dear David,
Thank you very much for everything! You have no idea of how much help you’ve been! Have an awesome day as well and I’ll talk to you soon! I just remembered I have a purpose and that it’s time I get down to business.
Hugs,
Sara.”
To be continued...
The kitchen was plain simple with a two persons table, a fridge, an oven, a microwave oven, a toaster, a coffee maker, a few jars with sugar, coffee, spices and right next to them the tableware. Sara rarely cooked but she liked to have all those things there, it made her feel normal. Her entire place was smelling like tobacco but she didn’t mind, she was a hardcore smoker after all. The bathroom was probably the flat’s darkest room because Sara enjoyed watching herself in the mirror a lot. The sad part about mirrors is that when one looks at them long enough they can see itself just as one is. When Sara was looking in the mirror with her eyes opened she would sometimes see a strong woman that went through more than anyone yet survived, but sometimes she would just see a social retard, a weak being that has a real problem, that has no reasons to live. She often cried out her soul in the bathroom, she even stood with a razorblade in her right hand thinking to cut open her wrist hoping that everything will end this way, that the pain would disappear, that she’d escape this stupid world. But she never had the guts to do it because whenever she was right on the edge her mum’s voice would echo loudly in her head: “Don’t you give up! Stand up, stop crying!” and she’d throw the razorblade away, wash her face and screamed. Screams of power, rage and courage, that’s what Sara considered they were.
She was almost 25 now. 7 years passed since she left the church, since she decided to deny God and faith and to start her own religion. It was the right choice and she had no regrets now, she accepted that period of her life as an episode of the story about finding herself. Her hair was still bloody red as she painted it that day and it made a strong contrast with her blue eyes. She had a messy hairstyle with a curl hanging down her face covering the one sign that always remembered her of darkness: the scar she stamped herself with lots of years ago. She tried letting it on display but it only accentuated her weirdo look, people always starring at it while she was in public. Tattoos also became one of her favorite things because they involved pain and she loved feeling at least pain than nothing at all. Her right hand was totally covered with tattoos, all of them linking together but with apparently no sense at all. It symbolized her personal chaos and as her friends well knew, Sara could explain the order and the links. On her back, besides the large anarchy symbol she also had a swastika and a few more symbols linking to reincarnation, immortality and good luck. Her legs were both “on flames” from the ankle up to the knee. These were the ones that she wasn’t proud of. First of all she had them done at rage, when she was not sober and dreaming. It was one of those “I bet you don’t have the guts to do it!” moments when she left herself influenced by her stupid friends.
Having her own money, lots of them even, Sara never had to work. She lived in a cyclic Saturday where she would go to bed or not, where she would drink as much as she could stand without going over the edge, do drugs, have fun, visit stupid places that seemed cool. All in all, in 2 years she almost spent 3 quarters of the money on nothing much. She bought a lot of clothes, shoes, hats, jewels and stuff like that but more she just threw away on alcohol, smokes, drugs, buying drinks for her friends, junk food, fancy dinners in places she knew she didn’t belong, and a car that later on she abandoned after running out of gas. One night she said it should all stop here. She sometimes felt used by her friends that would call inviting her to parties or just to go out for a drink and then when the bill came they would start saying they have no money at all, so she paid. At a certain point she got so fed up that she simply refused to go out with them. So she stood at home, in bed, with the laptop on her legs surfing the internet. Sara felt the need to talk with someone, even a stranger, she felt the need to let go of some of the rage she felt at the moment. So she found a simple website that required registration, following which you could randomly talk with a stranger from all over the world. “This is awesome! Just what I was looking for!” she thought as she completed the spaces required for the registration. RedAnarchy was her nickname and shortly after she completed the sign up process she was assigned a so called buddy to chat with. They said hello to each other and started talking. And they talked for hours and hours, they both laughed, exchanged funny stories, talked about the moments when they both felt the need to commit suicide, about the moments when love shone in their hearts – Sara preferred to lie here, she never knew true love - or about bad dates. It was amazing!
-I simply don’t understand how from all the people in the world, this stupid computer assigned you to me! Said Sara blushing a little.
-Me neither but I damn glad it happened! What’s your real name?
-Sara. What’s yours?
-David.
A few moments of awkward silence because they both realized that they would love to talk again, especially now when they weren’t just two strangers talking on the internet. They knew each other a little bit, they knew their real life names.
-Nice to meet you Sara, you’re a really cool person!
-Nice to meet you too and I am also glad for this coincidence. You seem like a really nice guy!
-Thanks! Hey, listen, I should head to bed because it’s getting kinda late. How would you like to talk again sometime? We could exchange e-mail addresses or something and keep in touch there.
-Uhm, I don’t know. I already told you that I was used by people before and I find it hard to trust you.
-Sara, I am not a hacker, I barely know how to install my operating system on this computer. C’mon, we would just mail each other whenever we would feel the need to talk about our crazy real life experiences.
-Okay, fine, let’s do it!
-Awesome, it will be just like in “You’ve got mail!”
-Haha, I loved that movie a lot to be honest! Too bad I don’t own a bookstore and have no passion for books whatsoever.
-It’s okay, I’m not Tom Hanks anyway. Haha!
-Okay David. Let’s get to bed, it is kinda late.
-Yep. Sleep tight, talk to you soon I hope!
-Sure thing. Good night David!
And she closed the website with a dumb smile on her face, feeling a million times better, feeling happy. This was the best conversation she ever had, it was all she needed that night, David seemed like the perfect guy for her. Then she groaned and yawned thinking that she would never get the chance to actually meet him, she would never see how he looks like or what color his eyes are. “Maybe he’s a fat guy with acne and glasses for all I know... But still, I can’t wait to talk with him again!” And she closed her eyes smiling and fell asleep like that. When she woke up it was almost 1 in the afternoon and sun invaded her room, making the atmosphere hot. She got out of bed, went to the kitchen and drank a huge glass of milk then she lighted a cigarette. Sara went back to her room and turned the laptop back on. Suddenly her heart started beating faster and that dumb smile came back: she had 1 new e-mail. She quickly opened her e-mail address and clicked on the inbox folder. There it was, 1 new e-mail message from David, her dreamy guy.
“Dear Sara,
Good morning! Rise and shine because it’s a beautiful day! Take a look out of the window and see the Sun smiling just for you, feel its rays embracing you and warming up your heart. Look at the little birds singing, at the flies minding their own business, listen to the music for a little, see its beauty... Just don’t mind the people always being in a rush, they are just running towards death without even knowing it, they have no purpose at all.
Have a great day Sara, you simply found a place in my mind and I thank you for that!
Hugs,
David.”
After reading it she was mesmerized for like 5 minutes, being unable to do anything except puffing her cigarette and looking out of the window. It felt so good that she could do this for an entire eon. But then she remembered that she wasn’t quite a regular person, that she has a dark past, that her future has a deadline and a few action steps that need to be completed; she remembered that she is not one of the people running like freaks towards their death, she has a purpose, she has something to do and it’s not for her own wellbeing but for the world’s. She decided to reply back:
“Dear David,
Thank you very much for everything! You have no idea of how much help you’ve been! Have an awesome day as well and I’ll talk to you soon! I just remembered I have a purpose and that it’s time I get down to business.
Hugs,
Sara.”
To be continued...
3/05/2011
24 [Episode 6]
People always do radical changes but most of the time because they aren’t satisfied with their current life or jobs. In Sara’s case the change she did had more than just one reason, and none of them had anything to do with satisfaction or job.
People are strange and they have different ways through which they can let go of one thing. Sara at that church learned so many things that she simply started to love it. She really loved all the nuns, the structure itself, the chickens, the green grass, the trees, everything. She felt safe and comfortable there and she quickly knew that it would be hard, maybe even impossible to ever leave that place. “They brain washed you!” little Sara used to whisper in her mind. “If I’ll ever want to leave this place I need to make it brutal and quick, I just have to go for it and do everything I can to know that I am not welcome here anymore” she decided one night. “This is the only way I will ever be able to leave my mothers behind, by hurting them. Of course it will hurt me even more, I will cry with my entire soul, but it’s a price I must pay.” Sara also had tons of rage that instead of letting out, she buried deep inside so she had to scream that day, she had to scream her rage out loud. “Rage may make me powerful but it makes me irrational as well, it has to go before I walk on this new road.”
Second of all, in the last two years at the church she started to doubt the existence of God more and more. She read the Holly Bible three times but she was never convinced. She heard stories about miracles that God made, about diseases cured “by the power of God” and about people that served God for their entire lives, the divinity granting their bodies “immortality”. Nevertheless there were too many things that must be like that just because God said so, too many routines, too many prayers, too many restrictions, too many traditions and too much isolation. “God, if you really are up there, could you please give me a sign? I could really use it right now!” Sara kept saying during the cold and lonely night when she couldn’t sleep. Nothing ever happened. After a while she thought that maybe there’s no sign because she is selfish and keeps praying for personal things. She changed the tactic and for 3 long months she prayed for one of the sick kids in the nearest town; keeping all traditions accordingly to the nuns, doing everything right, being honest and pure. Nothing, the kid died eventually. There was just too little justice around her to believe that God is deciding all of this, and the way He was taking decisions sucked big time in Sara’s eyes. “Why didn’t you let the little boy live? He was only 5 years old! You should have taken the old drunk instead, he has no purpose anymore, he just sits there all day long wasting his life.” Eventually, her faith died and she decided to deny God’s existence so she started doing things that regular girls her age do. No more tradition, no more abstinence, enough with the sins and the “please forgive me God!”. She was everything and she was doing everything for herself, answering to no one, requesting help from no one. The change became inevitable.
Still, she felt that she couldn’t leave that place. Leaving the church would mean starting from scratch with nothing at all; no money, no friends, no place to stay, no place to eat, absolutely nothing. Then, 2 days before her 18th birthday she received a letter from the social worker that years ago took care of her and brought her to this place:
“Dear Sara,
We haven’t talked for too long. I really hope everything is okay there, that you are happy and that you feel just like home. I am sending you my warmest wishes and I have one of the best news that you will ever receive.
Sometimes, people decide to make a will before they die and spread their things between the ones that remain alive. As far as I know your mother died when you were born and your father when you had the age of 10. Well, ever since you were a baby they started depositing money into a secret bank account that will remain hidden until you reach the age of 18, which is two days from now. I have no idea where do the money come from and they are untraceable but I can tell you that the sum is pretty decent. These money were supposed, I presume, to assure your faculty studies but as the years passed and so many things changed, they grew in that account as if they made babies. The sum your parents added 18 years ago was so small that you could blew it off in 2 months but now the sum is… Oh well, huge. You’re a millionaire!
The thing is that there’s a clause in the will that if you don’t claim the money in 5 days after turning 18, 60% will go to your uncle and 40% will be automatically donated to a church. My advice to you is to come and cash in the money as soon as possible because your parents wanted you to have them, not somebody else. Also you could do so many things with them, you can’t even imagine.
I think it’s time for you to step back into the world, it’s time for you to live!
Best of wishes and I am looking forward to see you!”
After reading it Sara found herself in the biggest state of confusion ever. How come her “dad, whatever” never mentioned this? How was she supposed to just forget anything and go back into the world without even a scar? Money can’t erase all her nightmares and the pain…
She had been torn apart for a few days by doubt. On one hand she felt comfortable and safe there but deep inside she knew that wasn’t her place, she felt that there are other things that she should do, other roads to be walked. Thankfully, the quiet at the church allowed her to think clearly and to make a plan. “I hope I won’t regret anything because at the moment everything makes a lot of sense in my head. This feels right although I wish my mothers wouldn’t have reacted this way. I am proud I was able to suppress my tears...” thought Sara now as she was walking down the trail leading to the town. She had been down this road for many times to get groceries for the nuns and she always hated it because the woods were always taking a creepy appearance. The way the sunrays were projected on the ground through the old trees and the torn apart branches was sometimes just like a horror movie scene; she hated horror movies. But now it wasn’t so scary, as if she grew up and now knows that there are no hidden monsters and nobody waiting for her in the bushes. “When I get in town I’ll grab some food for the road and get a train to my hometown. I’ll cash in the money, buy an apartment and start my mission. I don’t need anyone for this and the fact that I will do everything alone, with no interactions, no distractions, will ensure my success. It’s not like I am doing this for myself, the world needs it and apparently I am the person for the job! I’ll just start from down and slowly climb my way up until I get to Rome, there my true test lies and only by succeeding there the world would think again about all the lies surrounding religion.”
To be continued...
People are strange and they have different ways through which they can let go of one thing. Sara at that church learned so many things that she simply started to love it. She really loved all the nuns, the structure itself, the chickens, the green grass, the trees, everything. She felt safe and comfortable there and she quickly knew that it would be hard, maybe even impossible to ever leave that place. “They brain washed you!” little Sara used to whisper in her mind. “If I’ll ever want to leave this place I need to make it brutal and quick, I just have to go for it and do everything I can to know that I am not welcome here anymore” she decided one night. “This is the only way I will ever be able to leave my mothers behind, by hurting them. Of course it will hurt me even more, I will cry with my entire soul, but it’s a price I must pay.” Sara also had tons of rage that instead of letting out, she buried deep inside so she had to scream that day, she had to scream her rage out loud. “Rage may make me powerful but it makes me irrational as well, it has to go before I walk on this new road.”
Second of all, in the last two years at the church she started to doubt the existence of God more and more. She read the Holly Bible three times but she was never convinced. She heard stories about miracles that God made, about diseases cured “by the power of God” and about people that served God for their entire lives, the divinity granting their bodies “immortality”. Nevertheless there were too many things that must be like that just because God said so, too many routines, too many prayers, too many restrictions, too many traditions and too much isolation. “God, if you really are up there, could you please give me a sign? I could really use it right now!” Sara kept saying during the cold and lonely night when she couldn’t sleep. Nothing ever happened. After a while she thought that maybe there’s no sign because she is selfish and keeps praying for personal things. She changed the tactic and for 3 long months she prayed for one of the sick kids in the nearest town; keeping all traditions accordingly to the nuns, doing everything right, being honest and pure. Nothing, the kid died eventually. There was just too little justice around her to believe that God is deciding all of this, and the way He was taking decisions sucked big time in Sara’s eyes. “Why didn’t you let the little boy live? He was only 5 years old! You should have taken the old drunk instead, he has no purpose anymore, he just sits there all day long wasting his life.” Eventually, her faith died and she decided to deny God’s existence so she started doing things that regular girls her age do. No more tradition, no more abstinence, enough with the sins and the “please forgive me God!”. She was everything and she was doing everything for herself, answering to no one, requesting help from no one. The change became inevitable.
Still, she felt that she couldn’t leave that place. Leaving the church would mean starting from scratch with nothing at all; no money, no friends, no place to stay, no place to eat, absolutely nothing. Then, 2 days before her 18th birthday she received a letter from the social worker that years ago took care of her and brought her to this place:
“Dear Sara,
We haven’t talked for too long. I really hope everything is okay there, that you are happy and that you feel just like home. I am sending you my warmest wishes and I have one of the best news that you will ever receive.
Sometimes, people decide to make a will before they die and spread their things between the ones that remain alive. As far as I know your mother died when you were born and your father when you had the age of 10. Well, ever since you were a baby they started depositing money into a secret bank account that will remain hidden until you reach the age of 18, which is two days from now. I have no idea where do the money come from and they are untraceable but I can tell you that the sum is pretty decent. These money were supposed, I presume, to assure your faculty studies but as the years passed and so many things changed, they grew in that account as if they made babies. The sum your parents added 18 years ago was so small that you could blew it off in 2 months but now the sum is… Oh well, huge. You’re a millionaire!
The thing is that there’s a clause in the will that if you don’t claim the money in 5 days after turning 18, 60% will go to your uncle and 40% will be automatically donated to a church. My advice to you is to come and cash in the money as soon as possible because your parents wanted you to have them, not somebody else. Also you could do so many things with them, you can’t even imagine.
I think it’s time for you to step back into the world, it’s time for you to live!
Best of wishes and I am looking forward to see you!”
After reading it Sara found herself in the biggest state of confusion ever. How come her “dad, whatever” never mentioned this? How was she supposed to just forget anything and go back into the world without even a scar? Money can’t erase all her nightmares and the pain…
She had been torn apart for a few days by doubt. On one hand she felt comfortable and safe there but deep inside she knew that wasn’t her place, she felt that there are other things that she should do, other roads to be walked. Thankfully, the quiet at the church allowed her to think clearly and to make a plan. “I hope I won’t regret anything because at the moment everything makes a lot of sense in my head. This feels right although I wish my mothers wouldn’t have reacted this way. I am proud I was able to suppress my tears...” thought Sara now as she was walking down the trail leading to the town. She had been down this road for many times to get groceries for the nuns and she always hated it because the woods were always taking a creepy appearance. The way the sunrays were projected on the ground through the old trees and the torn apart branches was sometimes just like a horror movie scene; she hated horror movies. But now it wasn’t so scary, as if she grew up and now knows that there are no hidden monsters and nobody waiting for her in the bushes. “When I get in town I’ll grab some food for the road and get a train to my hometown. I’ll cash in the money, buy an apartment and start my mission. I don’t need anyone for this and the fact that I will do everything alone, with no interactions, no distractions, will ensure my success. It’s not like I am doing this for myself, the world needs it and apparently I am the person for the job! I’ll just start from down and slowly climb my way up until I get to Rome, there my true test lies and only by succeeding there the world would think again about all the lies surrounding religion.”
To be continued...
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